Over the past five years, my daily reading of the Stoicism philosophy has often reflected the importance of managing our minds. How we think, interpret, and respond to external events.
Am I prioritizing my efforts to use the gift of my mind and the opportunity for rational thought? I contemplate this question daily as I strive to bring my best talents and abilities to the world.
In this post, I focus on shifting our mindset to one of possibility. Here are a few resources to inspire you to approach your life through a lens of possibility:
In this three-minute video, Ben shares examples of the power of possibility.
“You can choose one of two ways of being every single moment of your life. You can either be in what we call “the down spiral” or radiating possibility.”
“Radiating possibility is a discipline. It’s a rigorous discipline. That is why you have to practice, and practice, and practice, and practice. [Have people in your life who are open to possibility]”
Everything in life is based on your reference frame. Look at things in a new way and suddenly your problems fade away.
Instead of focusing on how you measure up, focus on how you contribute to the world around you. Contribution is not measured based on other people. Itโs only measured based on what you put into the world around you. Thatโs it. If you add something, you contributed.
The conductor can lead the most powerful orchestra in the world, but does not make a sound. His or her only power is in getting the players to produce the beautiful sound they are capable of.
Rule #6: Donโt take yourself so damn seriously. [Bill and Don #TwinzTalk LOVE this rule!]
The more attention you shine on a subject, the more evidence of it you find. This is how downward spiral talk escalates into a reality.
As we navigate life’s challenges and opportunities, adopting a mindset of possibility can profoundly impact our experiences and outcomes. By embracing and practicing possibility, we open ourselves to a world of potential. Possibility is a practice, a discipline that requires consistent effort and mindfulness. By cultivating this mindset, we can enrich our lives and contribute to a more optimistic world. The choice is yours every second of every day: will you spiral downward or radiate possibility? Choose possibility!
Throughout our careers, Don Tomoff, MBA, and I have prioritized and felt responsible, as part of our leadership goals, for developing the people we work with daily. How can we help others grow through micro-moments of engaging in a learning opportunity and pausing for 5 or 10 minutes to slow down and talk through a challenge or difficult concept?
Over time, everyone becomes stronger as the learning moments compound and then build exponentially over the long haul. Too often, we rush through our days, exclaiming (unfortunately, often proudly), “I am busy! I have too much to do to allow the luxury of slowing down to prioritize learning.” This is shortsighted and a colossal mistake.
Seth Godin recently released a Udemy course, “This is Strategy with Seth Godin.” In Lesson 27, “Toward a Strategic Practice,” he challenges us to think about how we spend our professional time. “We only get today once. It is the asset that each of us gets to deploy onceโtoday. Is it possible to develop a practice of being strategic?”
Seth argues that there are three choices for how we spend our time at work:
* ๐ง๐ฎ๐๐ธ๐ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ (most people) that can possibly be outsourced.
* ๐๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ. We can be writing specs and managing people who are following the specs (outsourcing possible – not done often enough).
* ๐๐ ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฒ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐ฎ๐น ๐น๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐ฟ. “To confront resistance. To become incompetent in the face of learning.” When we lean into these moments (maybe 5 minutes a day), we are truly being strategic.
Exerting emotional labor is the most important work. This is the 5 or 10 minutes that Don and I frequently encourage and challenge others to embrace the discomfort of learning something new. ๐๐๐๐ฃ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฎ ๐ฉ๐๐๐จ๐ ๐ฉ๐๐ข๐๐จ ๐๐ฃ๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ฉ๐ค๐ฌ๐๐ง๐๐จ ๐ฉ๐๐ ๐ค๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ค๐ง๐ฉ๐ช๐ฃ๐๐ฉ๐ฎ. Pictured below is a moment of celebration of learning with a previous coworker. Helping others enhance their skills is very gratifying!
2019 – Don and Bill Tomoff with coworker celebrating a learning session!Continual Education – 5 Hour Rule (Compounding impact)
An unexpected life-enhancing change occurred for me starting on June 8, 2020, when my wife Terri and I enrolled in a community of practice (Writing In Community) dedicated to writing a book over a six-month period. We committed to showing up daily for at least 15 minutes. The process took hold of us, and we both fell in love with writing, which helped us bring clarity to our world. Writing helps us make sense of our thoughts, and we both advocate for encouraging others to adopt regular writing practices!
“My efforts have resulted in four unpublished memoirs that I have completed. I have gained tremendous enjoyment from writing these memoirs and fulfillment knowing the thoughts, appreciation, and memories I ultimately leave for my family. The four memoirs have now made it possible to think about and more clearly articulate my body of work through the blessing of my 65-plus years of life.”
“A few years ago I was at a dinner party and another woman went on a rant about how people who werenโt talented at writing and hadnโt been published by โrealโ publishers had no right to call themselves writers. All I could think as she blathered on was, โYou poor thing. How badly you must want to write and how harsh someone must have been to you once upon a time.โ”
“When you use writing to pass whatโs in your mind and heart to someone elseโs mind and heart, thatโs amazing. Itโs magic as far as Iโm concerned. When you carve meaning out of this chaotic cacophony of life, I applaud you. When you dare to be seen in your own writing, to be seen by you or someone else, what you believe, what you know, what youโve experienced, thatโs glorious. When you offer a hand made of words to another person or yourself, a hand that says, โTake this, use what you need. You are not alone,โ thatโs making a miracle.
Nobody gets to stop or judge your desire to write and create. And those that try are most likely like the woman at the party โ terrified they will die without having declared their stories, their ideas, their spirit. Terrified by the ghosts of judges and gatekeepers and other stifled creatives into a silence that chokes.”
Writing isn’t just for published authors – it’s for everyone. It’s a gift you give yourself and others. So if you want to write anything, please write. You don’t need a published book to be a writer. You need only the courage to put words on a page.
Through writing, I found clarity I never knew I lacked. You, too, will uncover hidden depths within yourself, illuminating your thoughts and experiences in ways you never imagined. Whether you share your words with family and friends, on a blog, or in a book, you’re offering a precious gift.
As Jen beautifully puts it, “When you offer a hand made of words to another person or yourself, a hand that says, ‘Take this, use what you need. You are not alone,’ that’s making a miracle.”
Don’t let anyone discourage your dreams. Don’t let fear silence your voice. Write for yourself, for others, and the sheer joy of creation. Go now and start making your miracle. The world is waiting for your words.
December 2021 – Terri and Bill Tomoff with Books Written
There are differing thoughts on how much our personal and professional lives should be balanced. I have evolved through my career to firmly believe in “Work/life integration” vs. “Work/life balance.” The conversation and prevalence of integrating our work and personal lives have been more acutely discussed since the escalation of remote work resulting from the COVID-19 pandemic starting in 2020. In my life, work/life integration was the key to my survival. My son Ryan’s diagnosis of childhood cancer in 1996 demanded a personal commitment and an understanding from my employers and colleagues that is unthinkable in most professional environments. Yet, I was profoundly blessed to have the necessary professional support to survive personally and professionally.
A byproduct of the support I received was that In my leadership roles, I have always sought to understand that we all have stories and challenges in our lives that no one knows about. Caring about others and the macro-level demands they are facing in their lives is an intelligent business strategy, but more importantly, it is the right thing to do. We all are in this life together. In my in-person and social media interactions, I strive to understand the “complete person” regarding their interests, personality, and demands outside their professional roles. A resulting benefit is the building of more productive and genuine relationships. This is the world I want to live in.
As you will note in my blog posts, I fully embrace and share my life experiences. These experiences have shaped me into the person I am today, and they enhance my personal and professional lives.
Through my blog at BillTomoff (dot) com, I have written 71 blog posts from 2017 through July 1, 2024. I share personal and professional thoughts and am interested in helping others. The posts have been compiled in a PDF document, and then I collaborated with Claude AI to summarize “my story” based on my blog content. Anyone desiring to learn more about me could gain insight into my interests, expertise, and personal beliefs (i.e., let’s be kind to each other), and my style may resonate with others. These are the people I want in my tribe to engage and collaborate with!
#TwinzTalk Encouragement – Always be learning and do your best!
Below are my prompt and Claude AI’s [edited] response. Claude did an incredible job providing me with content to start working with. The summary shared is the essence of my life and beliefs, which I am dedicated to living and practicing for the rest of my life.
Prompt:
“Please read and review the attached PDF of blog posts. You are an expert ghostwriter, and I would like you to tell me what is important to the author based on his writing content. Take a deep breath and take your time responding.”
Response:
“Based on a thorough review of the blog posts, here are some key themes and values that appear to be important to the author, Bill Tomoff:
Personal Growth and Continuous Learning: The author emphasizes personal development, lifelong learning, and consistent dedication to improving oneself. He regularly encourages reading, attending courses, and seeking new knowledge.
Family: Family is a central priority for the author. Many posts reference his wife Terri, son Ryan, daughter Olivia, and twin brother Don. His family’s journey through his son’s cancer diagnosis and five-time cancer battles and treatment has profoundly shaped his worldview.
Resilience and Post-Traumatic Growth: The author often discusses the concept of growing stronger through adversity, particularly with his son’s cancer experience. He believes in the possibility of emerging from difficult experiences as an improved, kinder, and more compassionate person.
Kindness and Compassion: Treating others with gentleness and kindness is a recurring theme. The author frequently encourages readers to be tolerant, patient, and understanding of others, as everyone is fighting their own battles.
Gratitude: The author emphasizes the importance of a grateful outlook on life, even during challenging times.
Time Management and Prioritization: Many posts discuss the importance of using time wisely, focusing on what truly matters, and learning to say no to less important commitments.
Stoicism: The author frequently references Stoic philosophy and its principles, which he strives to apply to challenges in his daily life.
Helping Others: There’s a strong emphasis on using one’s skills and experiences to benefit others, whether through professional work, volunteering, or everyday interactions. “We rise by lifting others.”
Technology and Innovation: The author and his twin are passionate about leveraging technology to enhance personal and professional effectiveness and create a greater possibility of making a more significant contribution to the world.
Health and Self-Care: Physical health and mental well-being are recurring themes, with the author emphasizing the importance of self-care practices.
Professional Excellence: The author does not prioritize career over family but values doing one’s best work and continually improving professional skills.
Community and Connection: The author values and encourages participation in supportive online and in-person communities (social media and communities of practice).
Writing and Reflection: Writing itself is an important practice for the author, serving as a tool for processing experiences and sharing insights.
These themes interweave throughout the blog posts, painting a picture of an individual deeply committed to personal growth, family, kindness, and positively impacting the world around him.”
Through sharing my story in my blog posts, I’ve realized that our personal and professional lives are intricately intertwined. All of our experiences can bring more value to our lives and others. The experiences that have shaped me have profoundly influenced my approach to work and life. Being open about these experiences will inspire a world where we see each other as individuals with meaningful lives beyond our professional roles. We can create more genuine connections by embracing kindness, continuous learning, and a willingness to help others. As we move forward, let’s remember that everyone has a story – and by taking the time to understand these stories, we can build a more compassionate and integrated world, both in and out of the workplace.
What is your story?
2024-03-13 – Bill Tomoff with Four Memoirs WrittenApril 15, 2023 Family in London Attending Tottenham Spurs EPL Game
Let’s empower ourselves by recognizing the critical importance of our choices with the time we are blessed with. In my blog post,Time Wealth: Prioritizing Mental Bandwidth in the Knowledge Economy, I discussed my time crisis and the resulting awareness that my choices of priorities were essential to surviving my son Ryan’s battles with childhood cancer and beyond.
Shortly after, a Daily Stoic email resonated deeply with the core of my message. The post, titled ‘Do You Dominate the Battlespace?‘ by Ryan Holiday, echoes the importance of our mental battlespace. He urges us to take control. He explains:
“All of these things are vying for what military strategists today would call โthe battlespace.โ Our mind is a contested bit of territory, with many people seeking to control what we call โthe empire between your earsโ – Why? Because your brain, your attention, is valuable. People want you to think about certain things and not think about certain thingsโbecause itโs good for business, because it makes you easier to control.”
“So you must dominate this battlespace. It is you who must assert yourself over yourself.”
“We too must grab the reins of our mind, set up boundaries against distraction, push away intrusive thoughts, tune out nonsense and noise. Thatโs what Stoicism is, as we wrote recently, itโs the gladiator stepping out into the arena of the mind, dominating the battlespace, controlling their own mindโฆbecause the alternativeโletting the enemy dominate, letting your mind be controlled by someone or something elseโis just unthinkable.”
This passage sums up well that our mind is under our control. Yet, too often, we give away our time by allowing our minds to be engaged in meaningless or dangerous activities. This is why we must be aware and establish boundaries to protect our mental well-being.
In addition to maintaining healthy boundaries around where we are willing to apply our precious time and minds, we must strive to continually learn and grow in ways that permit us to maximize the use of our time and mental bandwidth.
I have discovered several posts that resonate with the importance of managing our minds and being judicious about where we prioritize our time. Rajesh Setty is a favorite follow on my LinkedIn. This post, “One Approach to Cultivate a Beautiful Mind Garden,” was inspiring and thought-provoking. I encourage you to follow Rajesh and read his entire post, but consider this insight he shared:
“A beautiful garden has good plants and trees that bear fruits and flowers. It also lacks weeds that grow easily on their own. Removing weeds takes effort. If you don’t maintain the garden, weeds will grow, requiring more time to remove them. This means less time for nurturing the beautiful parts of the garden.
The same goes for the mind. Information doesn’t come with nutrition labels. When information enters your mind through news, ideas, conversations, projects, and work, there’s usually no filter. Your mind will use it’s previous capacity to process this unfiltered information even to determine the nature (good, bad, relevant, irrelevant etc.) of it. In the world where both people and machines are creating content at breathtaking speed, you can easily get carried away in one or the other content rabbit holes.
To make a beautiful garden of the mind, use the power of curation. In my life, I prioritize curation highly. I don’t watch news or read newspapers unless someone points out something relevant to the projects I am involved and something that’s within my sphere of influence. Occasionally, I let my mind wander by design to ensure that there is room for some surprise and serendipity.”
In addition to remaining aware and informed of our choices to prioritize our mind share, we should filter what we dedicate our time and energies to as best as possible. Here are a few steps to quickly help in assessing choices:
Do I need to be involved? Eliminating unnecessary involvement of your energy is the number one time hack.
If I need to be involved, how can I maximize my impact with the least mental energy and time commitment?
Will my involvement allow me to grow and help others in the future? Note that having opinions, being judgemental, and expending energy toward gossip and mainstream news are time sucks, taking away from making a meaningful contribution to ourselves and others.
Once I dedicate my time, am I prepared to make the best use of it, or am I doing something I love, like spending time with family and hobbies? Think of thePareto Principle, also known as the 80/20 rule.
A few additional resources that have resonated with me:
A Learning a Day blog shared two concepts that are worth understanding. For many decisions, we must be aware of the time we commit and contemplate, “What is the minimum viable information I need to get moving and get comfortable with a decision?“
“I use a simple rule of thumb for the difference between attempting to convert a directional answer into a precise answerโ10x+ time investment.”
In our lives and with our #TwinzTalk initiative, Don and I have given ourselves a disproportionate advantage by seeking directional answers to get us moving forward. Technology testing and adoption have always started with a vision of the potential rather than a precise answer to the ultimate benefit. Seeking directional insight vs. [often unattainable] precision, we can reach more learning opportunities and possibilities to leverage technology.
“Barry Schwartzโsresearch showed that people tend to fall into one of two groups when making decisions โ he called these groups satisficers and maximizers. Maximizers desire the best possible result, while satisficers desire a result that is good enough to meet some criterion. That doesnโt necessarily mean satisficers settle for crap. Their criteria could be lofty โ but, as long as it meets that criteria, they donโt care about it being the best.
Barry Schwartz argues that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers as maximizers spend a lot of time and energy on many decisions that just donโt matter as much.”
Don and I both share the satisficer tendency. We have saved ourselves time and energy, while also being content with our decisions. Talk about a win-win!
Maximizing everything is time-consuming. The number of choices available to us is overwhelming. Settling on “good enough” is a gift we can give ourselves. If you have yet to see Barry Schwartz’s TED Talk, The Paradox of Choice, prioritize time to watch it. I guarantee a few laughs and several “aha” moments.
In today’s world, where information is everywhere and everything moves fast, managing what we think about and focus on is important. By understanding how valuable our time and attention are, setting clear limits on what we let in, and being careful about what we think, we can live a more focused life, get more done, and feel more satisfied. The secret is making smart choices on purpose. Our most valuable thing isn’t money or material possessions โ it’s our limited time and brain power. If we focus on what’s really important and let go of the rest, we can build “time-wealth.” This means we have time to grow, do good things for the world, and live happier lives. We all have the power to control what goes on in our minds โ so let’s make wise choices.
I have joined an initiative with Katy Dalgleish, Julie Rains, and my wife, Terri. We meet virtually once or twice weekly to discuss Sethโs lessons in โThis is Strategy.โ
While we quickly cover a lot of ground, and Sethโs messages deserve greater focus and discussion, I enjoy the process from the perspective that โwe never know where thoughts/ideas will collide,โ and a practical use application will surface.
During a drive to Ocean City, MD, for the Maryland Government Finance Officers Association (MDGFOA) conference, I was contemplating Sethโs video five, which highlighted โ16 questions to beginโ as we approach the work of strategy.
While Don and I find our personal development work very compelling, convincing others of the value of committing their time to investing in themselves is a huge obstacle. As Seth notes in video five, โThey donโt know what you know. They donโt want what you want.โ These two sentences sat with me while we were driving and talking about the presentation Don would share over three and one-half hours starting at 1:00 PM.
How could we modify the presentation to turn the attention of the attendees and emphasize our mission is to enhance their professional performance and ability to contribute exponentially?
June 26, 2024 | Don and Bill Tomoff at Maryland Government Finance Officers Association Conference
Within the 16 questions, the following five reminded me that answers to these questions might help inspire the attendees to dedicate themselves to embracing personal growth. With each question, I have added brief thoughts on how our work impacts those on the receiving side:
Am I changing someoneโs status quo?
Learning and development do change someone’s status quo. Embracing the initiative of personal growth is a commitment and a change that many find difficult. It often involves discomfort and requires time prioritization involving tradeoffs we would rather not deal with. The easy answer is to avoid changing anything in our daily lives that is already working for us.
Why would anyone voluntarily choose to be part of this work?
If you ask anyone, “Would you like to improve your critical thinking, skill set, and ability to contribute more significantly?” Most people would respond with a resounding “YES!” Choosing this more challenging yet rewarding path of personal development will change your life as the daily effort compounds over time, and the gratifying reward of growth becomes a part of your daily life.
What will they tell their colleagues?
Don and I think the magic can begin when word of mouth spreads to colleagues. As we learn and experience the rewards of learning, helping others must become an individual practice. Avid learners love to help others by sharing their expertise. And when we teach, we learn more.
Who gains in status, affiliation and power by supporting this work?
When personal development is embraced, the enhanced talents are noticed in the long run. By their example, learners inspire others to learn and can be recognized for their contributing abilities. The learner reaches levels of performance that are noticed by others. As learners are noticed, their status, affiliation, and power will grow.
Will early support translate into more support later?
Early support and the possible success that others achieve can elevate word-of-mouth and create a snowball of support as even more learn about successes achieved because of an individual decision to invest in themselves. Witnessing the growth of others and the successes they reach is very gratifying for Don and me.
We hoped to change the โvibeโ of the presentation, so we started with a heartfelt question. This start was as if we were sitting down and sharing a sincere conversation, saying, โWe are on your side, and we want to help you.โ
โBefore we get started, I would like everyone to take a minute and reflect on the following: โWhat are two or three of the most important things in your life? Not only professionally, but overall.โ
Posing this question and the ensuing brief conversation about โWhat is important to YOU?โ made the audience more curious and receptive.
The responses we have received were in line with our thoughts and included the following:
Family
Focusing on self-care
Enjoying hobbies
Making a difference
Feeling a greater purpose
โOur goal today? We want to help you reclaim your time to enable you to prioritize more time for the most important aspects of your life.โ
Then, towards the end of the day, to wrap the session, Don reiterated:
โRemember, the overall theme of what we are doing today: We want to help you reclaim your time for the most important things in your life.โ
The session and the audience engagement were inspiring. Had our last-minute modification to starting the presentation made a difference for the entire day? We believe so and plan to continue using and refining this change in future presentations!
During our debrief of the presentation, Don and I agreed that starting with the personal question, “What is most important to you?” changed the tone of the entire day. The attendees’ engagement during the session and one-on-one discussions afterward led us to conclude that we must build this momentum into the future!
To help evaluate and evolve the approach in the future, I collaborated with ChatGPT to assess our thoughts and then asked for suggestions for improvement. The response from ChatGPT has spurred our creativity. The prompt and response are provided below.
===============================
Collaboration with ChatGPT
Prompt:
My twin Don and I are working on modifying the kickoff to our discussions about technology and gen AI adoption (e.g., ChatGPT) when making presentations. Focusing on the audience and asking them to consider what is most important in their lives is a way to increase interest and curiosity and ultimately encourage the adoption of our suggestions.
Please read the revision below and let us know your thoughts. You are an expert presenter who can inspire others to take action. Please take a deep breath and carefully think before you respond. This change is significant, and we want it to have the maximum effect on the success of our efforts.
โBefore we get started, I would like everyone to take one minute and reflect on the following: โWhat are two or three of the most important things in your life? Not only professionally, but overall.โ
Started the session with this question. Posing this question and the brief conversation about โWhat is important to YOU?โ made the audience more curious and receptive.
Responses included:
Family
self-care
hobbies
greater purpose
โOur goal today? We want to help you reclaim your time to enable you to prioritize more time for the most important aspects in your life.โ
to wrap the session:
โRemember, the overall theme of what we are doing today: We want to help you reclaim your time for the most important things in your life.โ
Response:
Your revised approach for the kickoff of your technology and AI adoption discussions is well-crafted and focuses on what truly matters to the audience. Hereโs a refined version to enhance clarity, engagement, and the impact of your presentation:
Opening:
“Before we get started, Iโd like everyone to take a moment and reflect on this question: ‘What are the two or three most important things in your life, not just professionally, but overall?'”
Pause for reflection.
“Take a minute to think about it. What truly matters to you? Responses included:
Family
Self-care
Hobbies
Greater purpose
Starting our session with this question often makes everyone more curious and receptive.”
Transition:
“Our goal today is to help you reclaim time to prioritize whatโs most important in your life.”
Wrap-up:
“Remember, the overall theme of what we are doing today is to help you reclaim your time for the most important things in your life.”
Thoughts and Suggestions:
1. Engagement: Starting with a reflective question is a great way to engage the audience and make the session personal. This strategy fosters a connection between the technology youโre discussing and the audienceโs personal lives, making your message more relatable and compelling.
2. Clarity: By clearly listing typical responses, you guide the audience in their reflection and make it easier for them to relate.
3. Consistency: Repeating the theme of reclaiming time throughout your presentation reinforces your message and keeps the audience focused on the ultimate benefit of adopting the technology.
4. Empathy: Your approach shows empathy and understanding of the audienceโs needs and values, which can increase their openness to your suggestions.
This refined structure ensures your presentation is engaging, clear, and impactful, helping you achieve your goal of fostering curiosity and adoption of your recommendations.
“Your child has cancer.” My wife, Terri, and I heard these words on October 17, 1996. Our son, Ryan, at two years and two months old, was diagnosed with childhood cancer (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). In an instant, our lives, and the lives of Ryan and our four-year-old daughter Olivia, were changed forever.
As I write this in June 2024, 27+ years later, Ryan is [closely monitored and] doing well today. He is a five-time cancer survivor – 3x childhood leukemia and 2x adult tongue cancer (secondary malignancies resulting from the extensive treatments he received through his wars with leukemia). In March 2021, Terri published her memoirThe Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey from Mayhem to Miracles, detailing Ryan and our family’s journey through what often felt like impossible times.
Our heart breaks every time we hear of a family receiving the news that their child has cancer. A child and family stricken with cancer through no fault of their own. I pray no one reading this is facing a childhood cancer situation, yet we know bad things happen, and our lifelong mission is to be a gentle shoulder of support for others impacted as we have been. Maybe this helps one person, one family, piece together the swirling insanity that is happening in the center of their lives.
With this introduction, I will offer my list of “Life lessons learned from dealing with a childhood cancer diagnosis:“
October 1996 – Ryan and Bill Tomoff – Georgetown Hospital
Life is not fair.
If we are blessed to live long enough, realizing the randomness and unfairness of life events will strike us. There is tragedy and heartbreak happening all around us.
“Life breaks all of us, but some of us get stronger in the broken places.”โErnest Hemingway.
Work is important. Family is EVERYTHING. Carpe Diem.
Treasure each day. Life contentment is in the small, everyday, ordinary moments. Recognize and embrace the โordinary.โ
Be determined and unapologetic in identifying and setting boundaries around your priorities. Learning to kindly yet firmly say โnoโ is imperative.
People need people.
You are not alone.
Thinking โI/we can handle thisโ is dangerous and not helpful. Seek, be open to, and be willing to ask for help. People want to help – accept their generosity and commit to โpaying it forwardโ into the world one day.
The Postcard Project was a wonderful initiative that gave Ryan hope and inspiration as he endured treatments to get him to his life-saving bone marrow transplant on November 4, 2004.
Embrace communities of support. Special Love is our community of support that brings joy through their summer camps dedicated to children fighting cancer and their siblings.
“In a tough situation, few people wake up every morning and say, “I’m going to be resilient today.” Most people under extreme stress wake up with heavy hearts but with a quiet voice that tells them never to give up. Resilience is listening to that small inner voice and finding people and organizations to help you slowly turn up the volume.”
September 1997 – Tomoff Family – Special Love Under 7 Weekend
Your environment matters.
Surround yourself with the best. Lift others up, and they will lift you up.
Self-care is imperative.
Self-care is not selfish. We cannot pour from an empty cup.
Kindness matters. Prioritize kindness to yourself and others.
Sometimes we cannot see a path forward, and are hanging on doing our best. Everyone, in some way, has these moments. โThe next step,โ a moment of kindness given or received, may propel you or someone else forward for the day.
Express appreciation and gratitude. Never default to โthis person is just doing their job.โ Everyone deserves to be seen.
โDonโt underestimate the power of a chocolate chip cookie.โโTerri Tomoff.
April 2022 – Terri Tomoff and Chocolate Chip Cookies
Donโt ask. Do.
Choose to take the initiative.
There are many moments in life where we can help meaningfully. In small ways and without permission, a difference can be made.
Everyone has unique gifts. Identify and nurture those gifts.
Ryan’s relentless fight and inspiration to the world.
Olivia and the gift of soccer to our family.
Trust and know that everyone has a story.
โBe gentle. Be kind – you have no idea what someone is going through.โโBill Tomoff.
“Whether the valley is a personal one or a societal one or both, there’s a lot of suffering. You’re enduring a season of pain, a season of feeling lost. This can be a period of soul-crushing anguish, but it can also be one of the most precious seasons of your life.
John Keats said that we live in a mansion of many apartments. When we’re on the first mountain, we’re living in what Keats called the “thoughtless chamber.” This is the default chamber; we just unthinkingly absorb the values and ways of life that happen to be around us.
We want to stay in this chamber. It’s comfortable, and everybody nods at you with approval. In The Age of Anxiety, W. H. Auden wrote,
We would rather be ruined than changed
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
Seasons of suffering kick us in the ass. They are the foghorns that blast us out of our complacency and warn us we are heading for the wrong life.
There’s nothing intrinsically noble about suffering. Sometimes grief is just grief, to be gotten through. Many bad things happen in life, and it’s a mistake to try to sentimentalize these moments away by saying that they must be happening to serve some higher good. But sometimes, when suffering can be connected to a larger narrative of change and redemption, we can suffer our way to wisdom. This is the kind of wisdom you can’t learn from books; you have to experience it yourself. Sometimes you experience your first taste of nobility in the way you respond to suffering.
The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that suffering upsets the normal patterns of life and reminds you that you are not who you thought you were. It smashes through the floor of what you thought was the basement of your soul and reveals a cavity below, and then it smashes through that floor and reveals a cavity below that.
Suffering teaches us gratitude. Normally we take love and friendship for granted. But in seasons of suffering we throw ourselves on others and appreciate the gifts that our loved ones offer. Suffering puts you in solidarity with others who suffer. It makes you more sympathetic to those who share this or some other sort of pain. In this way it tenderizes the heart.
Suffering calls for a response. None of us can avoid suffering, but we can all choose how we respond to it. And, interestingly, few people respond to suffering by seeking pleasure. Nobody says, I lost my child, therefore I should go out and party. They say, I lost my child, and therefore I am equipped to help others who have lost their child. People realize that shallow food won’t satisfy the deep hunger and fill the deep emptiness that suffering reveals. Only spiritual food will do that. Many people respond to pain by practicing generosity.
Finally, suffering shatters the illusion of self-sufficiency, which is an illusion that has to be shattered if any interdependent life is going to begin. Seasons of pain expose the falseness and vanity of most of our ambitions and illuminate the larger reality of living and dying, caring and being cared for. Pain helps us see the true size of our egotistical desires. Before they seemed gigantic and dominated the whole screen. After seasons of suffering, we see that the desires of the ego are very small desires, and certainly not the ones we should organize our lives around. Climbing out of the valley is not like recovering from a disease. Many people don’t come out healed; they come out different. The poet Ted Hughes observed that the things that are the worst to undergo are often the best to remember, because at those low moments the protective shells are taken off, humility is achieved, a problem is clearly presented, and a call to service is clearly received.”
I hope that my perspective provides you an inspiration to move through whatever challenge you are dealing with or enduring. Take this journey of life one day at a time. Do your best. Be kind to yourself and others. Embrace and treasure the ordinary. Believe in better days. We got this.
2004 – Bill and Ryan Tomoff – Bald heads before Duke PBMT tripJune 2024 – Kelleys Island 5K – Ryan walks with Aunt Stephanie
Throughout my career and then in life challenges (son Ryan battles with childhood cancer and beyond), I learned to deeply understand my time and how I prioritized everything in my life as the most important variables within my control. Time is a nonrenewable asset, and I quickly understood that I had to own my decisions of where I choose to prioritize my energy.
Thanks to years-long encouragement from my wife, Terri, I made a [wise] decision to read more actively to help my learning and growth. Since 2012, reading for personal development has become a non-negotiable priority. The mission is to allocate my efforts to make a more meaningful contribution to the world daily. This starts with owning my decisions of where I focus my mental bandwidth.
Where I focus, these three words are front and center for me. Since I started reading the philosophy of Stoicism in 2019, and have read daily since January 1, 2020. As I noted in a March 2023 blog post, “In Pursuit of Inner Peace: My Stoic Transformation:”
“The Stoicism philosophy profoundly influences my perspective and โhowโ I handle myself and my emotions daily. Striving every day to develop my mind and embrace the only aspect of life we all control โ our reasoned choice. Thoughts such as โit is not necessary to have an opinion, we should be strict with ourselves and forgiving of others (no judgment), and we control our response to any external event โ we are harmed only if we believe we are harmed,โ are thoughts I hold close to my heart and work to live in practice.”
Embracing my reasoned choice. My remaining life’s work will be to strive to use my mind for good – developing myself and helping others by utilizing my skills and talents. I can and must do better. The work must not stop.
A blog post by Morgan Housel, “Lazy Work, Good Work,” inspired my post here. When we can keep our mind disciplined to focus on learning and good, we can prioritize time for reflection and creativity. Here is a sample of topics on my “do not do” list – activities I strive to eliminate or actively reduce by being aware of my behavior:
Gossip.
Expressing an unsolicited opinion.
Judgment.
Watching or engaging in conversation about mainstream news.
Involving myself in other people’s business.
The work regarding my do-not-do list is a never-ending process. I credit my reading of the Stoicism philosophy for helping me.
By reducing the above activities, I will replace my time (and mind) with:
Quality time with my family, friends, and communities of practice who inspire and lift me up.
Kindness to others and my world.
Encouraging others.
Helping others through micro-moves taking almost no effort. Social media engagement is an easy micro-move example.
Investing in improving myself (as the Optimist Creed states: “To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.”).
Be more patient and calm. We all are doing our best to get through each day.
A key component of “investing in improving myself” is prioritizing building buffer/slack into my days and intentionally moving more slowly and thoughtfully through each day. Make space for time for reading and contemplation. Morgan Housel notes in his article [Bold emphasis is mine]:
“Hereโs a problem we donโt think about enough: Even as more professions look like Rockefellerโs โ thought jobs that require quiet time to think a problem through โ weโre stuck in the old world where a good employee is expected to labor, visibly and without interruption.
The point is that productive work today does not look like productive work did for most of history. If your job was to pull a lever, you were only productive if you were pulling the lever. But if your job is to create a marketing campaign, you might be productive sitting quietly with your eyes closed, thinking about design. The problem is that too many workplaces expect their knowledge workers to pull the proverbial lever โ today in Microsoft Office form โ 40+ hours a week when theyโd be better off doing things that look lazy but are actually productive. The result is that most people have thought jobs without being given much time to think, which is the equivalent of making a ditch-digger work without a shovel. Maybe this is why productivity growth is half of what it used to be.
If you anchor to the old world where good work meant physical action, itโs hard to wrap your head around the idea that the most productive use of a knowledge-workerโs time could be sitting on a couch thinking. But itโs so clear that it is. Good ideas rarely come in meetings, or even at your desk. They come to you in the shower. On a walk. On your commute, or hanging out on the weekend. Iโm always amazed at the number of famous ideas that came to people in the bathtub. But tell your boss you require a mid-day soak, and the response is entirely predictable.”
Starting with yourself, embrace a gentler and kinder presence with the world. Slowing down and being more mindful as you move through your day will be rewarding and gratifying. While you may appear “lazy” and unproductive, the reality will be enhanced productivity through leveraging greater creativity and adaptability.
2019 – Bill T and Bill G encouraging “Good!”France! Learning in Community with Karena de Souza
What is truly important to me is putting in the daily effort to refine my talents and develop my skills. The key to superior performance is quiet, steady dedication practiced for the long term when no one is watching.
I’ve learned many valuable life lessons through competitive sports participation. I credit competitive distance running with developing my willingness and ability to take the long view. My twin brother Don and I are obsessed with personal development and continual learning. We’ve pushed each other to invest time and money into our growth.
When my son Ryan was diagnosed with childhood cancer in 1996, my ability to tenaciously focus on core priorities was tested beyond imagination. My wife Terri’s memoir tells our family’s story of this challenging journey.
Over the years, I’ve pursued initiatives that exemplify my commitment to consistent effort and self-improvement. These include a daily planking streak with Don that has lasted 2,277 days so far, cofounding our #TwinzTalk initiative to share personal development tips, and dedicating myself to writing during the pandemic, completing four unpublished memoirs since June 2020.
I believe that to make a difference in the world, you must be different from the world. Dedicate yourself to improving and helping others through small, consistent efforts practiced long-term. Find a tribe to encourage and inspire you on the journey. With commitment and belief, the compounding impact of your focused dedication will amaze you.
What matters most to you? Whatever it is, pursue it relentlessly, for that is the path to growth and fulfillment.
Full Original Writing
What is important to you? Is it important enough that you are willing to work on refining your talents and developing your skills every day? Every day, in incremental effort, where progress is not felt or noticed? Yet, the key to superior performance is the daily dedication performed quietly for the long term, done in the quiet of your life when no one is watching.
The best hack is to realize that there are no shortcuts to success and commit yourself to the steady drip, drip, drip effort to enable you to reach your best level of preparation. The process is a life-long adventure.
“You must build up your life action by action and be content if each one achieves its goal as far as possibleโand no one can keep you from this.”
–Marcus Aurelius
“If you follow The Process in your lifeโassembling the right actions in the right order, one right after anotherโyou too will do well. Not only that, you will be better equipped to make quick work of the obstacles along that path.”
Seth Godin’s June 16, 2018, blog post, “The danger of not good enough,” reminds us that it is a trap to dismiss others or ourselves as “not good enough.” The more accurate sentiment should be “not good enough yet.” Seth’s closing sentence is a thought we should hold onto:
“Itโs true that youโre not good enough yet. None of us are. But if you commit to trying hard enough and long enough, youโll get better.”
If you commit to trying hard enough and long enough, you’ll get better. If you are committed to the deliberate and steady process of investing in yourself, you will progress.
“Today, I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow, I can do what others can’t.”
โJerry Rice
“Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.”
โTim Notke
With a willingness to work hard (and smarter), you WILL exceed many more talented peers. You control your willingness to prepare. In matters of importance to you, be relentless in your dedication and daily focus.
The greatest attribute I have been blessed with and embraced throughout my adult life is a willingness to put forth consistent effort that is matched by few. My twin Don and I share this attribute and have pushed each other throughout our lives. Above, I mentioned competitive distance running as a prime contributor to developing my willingness and ability to take the long view throughout my life. Examples of deliberate focus and effort, as a lifestyle of investing in myself, include:
After graduating from college in 1981, I inherently knew that continual learning and development were imperative to my career and life success. Don and I have shared an obsession with personal development. We believe in investing personal time and money into learning. When portable computers were first available, I remember spending weekend nights in the office (Coopers & Lybrand public accounting in the early 1980s) tinkering around with VisiCalc spreadsheet software. This moment started a love of technology that Don and I have shared and leveraged throughout our lives. In our early to mid-twenties, we were alone in the office on a Saturday night while many of our peers indulged in more ordinary entertainment choices. With our dedication to competitive distance running (a serious endeavor until age 25) and professional personal development, we were comfortable on the less traveled road!
My dedication and preparation to find a better way to work became a career and life survival imperative when my son Ryan was diagnosed with childhood cancer on October 17, 1996, at the age of two years and two months. My ability to tenaciously focus on my core priorities was tested beyond anything I could have imagined. Terri Tomoff’s memoirThe Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles, published in March 2021, tells Ryan and our family’s story.
July 2021 – The Focused Fight – Cleveland Reception
On March 25, 2018, Don and I started a 30-day planking challenge. What started as a unique challenge to help our physical conditioning has become a part of our lifestyle. As of June 18, 2024, we have done a daily plank for 2,277 days. On March 26, 2023, I wrote a blog post celebrating five years of continuous planking!
April 2018 – NYC Central Park Planking
On April 16, 2018, Don and I cofounded our #TwinzTalk initiative, where we share personal development encouragement and tips to help others in our network. Tip One was dedicated to highlighting our amazing friend, Rich Flanagan. Since then, we have shared almost 1,300 tips on LinkedIn, and we receive great joy and fulfillment from sharing our knowledge and expertise to help others.
On June 8, 2020, a few months after the COVID-19 Pandemic started spreading across the United States, Terri and I joined an online writing initiative called Writing in Community. While Terri dedicated her time to completing her memoir, The Focused Fight, I pursued writing my unpublished personal memoir, “Living Life…Off The Track.”I have now written four unpublished memoirs. Four years later, we consider ourselves writers and have met many inspiring, kind, and generous people who share the love of writing and being in a community of practice. On the other side of the pandemic, we believe our lives have been profoundly enhanced through our writing efforts and community relationships!
2024-03-13 – Bill Tomoff with Four Memoirs Written
“If you desire to make a difference in the world, you must be different from the world.”
โElaine S. Dalton
What is important to you? Dedicate daily effort to improving yourself and then helping others. You will be amazed at the compounding impact of small efforts consistently performed over the long term. Find your tribe that will inspire and encourage you. You got this. Believe.
While reflecting and working on this post, I decided to collaborate with ChatGPT and ask for input on my assessment of the extreme potential that gratitude can bring to our lives. My prompt and [edited] response received were as follows:
Prompt:
I am writing a blog post about gratitude. The opening sentence is, โA lens of gratitude changes everything.โ
I believe having a gratitude mindset is the foundational base for living a life of contentment and happiness. If we are grateful, we live life with a โgentlerโ outlook on life, and thus, we lean toward kindness to ourselves and interactions with others. This creates a rippling cycle of positivity that can change our life experience.
You are an expert psychologist. Would you agree with my assessment?
Response:
Bill T note: ChatGPT agreed with my assessment, and I asked for further insight and suggestions. The edited result is below.
A lens of gratitude changes everything.
I believe having a gratitude mindset is the foundational base for living a life of contentment and happiness. If we are grateful, we live life with a โgentlerโ outlook on life, and thus, we lean toward kindness to ourselves and interactions with others. This creates a rippling cycle of positivity that can change our life experience.
The Science of Gratitude
Research in positive psychology has consistently shown that practicing gratitude can significantly enhance well-being and satisfaction with life. Grateful individuals often experience positive emotions, relish good experiences, and enjoy better health and relationships. Gratitude shifts our focus from what we lack to what we have, fostering a sense of abundance and reducing stress and anxiety.
A Gentler Outlook
Gratitude encourages a gentler outlook by promoting self-compassion and acceptance. When we acknowledge and appreciate the good in our lives, we become more forgiving and understanding of our own imperfections and those of others. This gentleness nurtures our mental health and creates a foundation for lasting happiness.
Kindness and Positivity
Gratitude also inspires kindness. When we feel grateful, we are more likely to engage in prosocial behaviors, such as helping others and expressing appreciation. These acts of kindness benefit those around us and enhance our sense of joy and fulfillment. This creates a positive feedback loop: gratitude leads to kindness and reinforces gratitude, amplifying the benefits for everyone involved.
The Ripple Effect
The impact of gratitude extends beyond individual experiences. Positive emotions and behaviors can spread through our social networks, influencing friends, family, and strangers. This ripple effect creates an environment of collective well-being where gratitude can inspire widespread positivity and connection.
Practical Ways to Cultivate Gratitude
Daily Reflection: Take a few moments each day to reflect on what you are grateful for. This can be done through journaling or simply pausing to appreciate the good things in your life.
Express Appreciation: Make it a habit to express gratitude to others. A simple thank you, or a heartfelt note can go a long way in strengthening relationships and spreading positivity.
Mindfulness Practice: Incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine. Mindfulness helps us stay present and aware, making it easier to notice and appreciate the small joys in life.
Gratitude Rituals: Establish rituals that remind you to practice gratitude. This could be a gratitude jar where you write down things youโre thankful for or a gratitude walk where you focus on the beauty around you.
Encouragement
Embracing gratitude is a powerful choice that can transform your life. By fostering a mindset of appreciation, you cultivate a deeper sense of contentment and happiness. Remember, the journey of gratitude is ongoing, and every small step you take contributes to a more positive and fulfilling life. Start today, and watch as gratitude changes everything.
Full Original Writing
A lens of gratitude changes everything.
An aspect of my daily journaling includes prioritizing five minutes to reflect on my day and handwrite on an index card [at least] one comment in each of these areas:
Win
Gratitude
Stress/Tension
Help Others/Shine the Light
Activity/Development
The process has helped me be more intentional and aware of how I conduct myself throughout the day. Here, I will reference five articles that have inspired me to encourage more gratitude.
In each article, thoughts resonated that remind me to strive to be gentler with myself and others and grateful for the gifts in my life. Throughout our days, we have many opportunities to “flip the perspective” and be grateful vs. frustrated or inconvenienced. Here are a few examples that we all can relate to:
Moving along slowly in traffic other drivers take shortcuts and merge into the line you are waiting in. Remind yourself, “I am safely moving toward my destination and am helping others by allowing cars to merge into the line. I am grateful for a dependable car and the opportunity to help others, and I am confident others would give me the same kindness.“
Waiting in a long line at the grocery store. Reflect, “I am grateful that my family has the resources to purchase the food we need and the systems in place that make it possible for us to have the incredible convenience of a grocery store where we have access to an abundance of food choices when many people in the world do not have this blessing.“
Embrace the opportunity to contribute through simple micro-move actions such as picking up trash or safely returning a stray shopping cart to a corral. Consider, “I can help ease a path for others.
When we think outside our individual needs and turn our focus toward others, gratitude for our ability to help is enhanced. When we help, the lens through which we view life evolves us into a gentler and kinder presence. We are simply more pleasant to be around.
I encourage you to read the full articles linked here and watch the YouTube video by Rajesh Setty. Below are a few excerpts that will inspire you to read further.
Bruce Kasanoff, in “Help This Person,” encourages us every time we encounter another person to think: help this person. Bruce notes:
“Nothing else can so quickly supercharge your career and improve the quality of your life. And, yes, being genuinely helpful is the most substantive โself-promotionโ possible.”
“By first thinking help this person, you will change the ways that others perceive you. There is no faster or more effective way to change your interactions and relationships. You will be viewed as a positive, constructive, helpful, and dependable person. People will think you are more perceptive, attentive, and understanding.”
Be considerate and appreciative of everyone you encounter. When we lift the spirits of others, a potential ripple effect can occur, and we feel good as well!
The following post by Dave Kerpen inspired this reflection about gratitude. Linda Misencik, a longtime friend (married to “the best dentist in the country” until he retired in 2018), read this post and sent it to me. Speaking of gratitude, I am thrilled Linda thought to send the article to me!
“When we are entitled, we think the world needs to go our way ‘just because’. When we are grateful, on the other hand, we appreciate the world around us no matter what, ‘just because’. I am grateful for so many things every day.”
This observation is incredible. When we believe events must go the way we want, that is an attitude of entitlement. Rather, understand that we don’t control external events. We control the reasoned choice of our mind (a critical aspect of Stoicism) and our response. When we embrace this understanding and are grateful for what we have, we move away from the perspective of entitlement.
The third and fourth posts to share are from Ryan Holiday‘s The Daily Stoic. I am a fan of Stoicism and look forward to the daily email (Monday through Friday) distribution. The two recent posts I encourage you to read:
“How we treat the little guy says a lot about us. How we treat the gate agent at the airline. How we treat the customer service representative. How we treat the waiter and the barista. This says a lot about us. Even when, perhaps especially when, they arenโt treating us well. Can we control our emotions? Can we contain our frustration? Can we remember that they are almost certainly having a hard time too? That no amount of yelling at someone making an hourly wage will make a plane appear or fix a stupid corporate policy?
We all have bad daysโฆwhich means other people have bad days, too. We should strive to be patient. We should strive to understand.”
“There is also a debt that we have to pay back. Our ancestors are not all Union men. We live on stolen land. Our museums are filled with looted goods. Our progress came at great expense to the environment and to other species. Who made that device youโre holding? Who made that T-shirt youโre wearing?”
“Our ancestors were wonderful and they were terrible. We, their descendants all over the world, are indebted to them for both. We have to pay forward the good they did. We have to make right the wrongs they did. We donโt control what they didโto borrow from the dichotomy of control at the center of Stoicismโbut we control what we do now, here in our own times. Doing better is up to us. This is what the virtue of justice demands. Itโs what decency and duty demands of us.”
Two additional posts to share are a blog from Seth Godin and a YouTube video from Rajesh Setty:
“What Does The World Owe Us?” Seth notes this question comes from a perspective of entitlement. He encourages us to turn this question around and ask ourselves, “What do I owe the world?“
“On the other hand, โwhat do I owe the world?โ opens the door for endless opportunity. When lots of people ask this question, the contributions add up, the connections are solidified and better is possible.
The best part is that waiting for the world to get things just right is exhausting and frustrating, while taking responsibility for what we might be able to contribute or lead can be energizing and fun.”
A regular practice of gratitude will change your perspective on life. We can all participate in making our world a better place. Micro-moves of intentionally contributing to others and our world at large can make a difference in ways unimagined. Just believe. One person, one action at a time, matters.
