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In this blog post, I reflect on the importance of being the bigger person when faced with perceived insults or mistreatment from others. Inspired by Ryan Holiday’s The Daily Dad meditation “Teach Them To Be Bigger,” I share the story of Jim Lawson, a young African American boy who, after being called a racial slur, was reminded by his mother that he was loved, intelligent, and destined for a good life. This lesson helped him realize that he was above the horrible things others said and did and that responding with kindness and love was what mattered most.
We all must embrace this lesson, and awareness of our emotions and pausing before responding can be tremendously advantageous. My personal journey, aided by my daily reading of Stoicism since January 1, 2020, has helped me in my quest for inner peace and to avoid allowing everyday inconveniences to stir me negatively.
I also reflect on the idea that we will encounter difficult people throughout life, but our control lies in our attitude and response. We should gladly accept the “taxes” of life, be grateful for what we have, and not retaliate when faced with challenges. Instead, be kind, keep moving forward, and set an example for others to be bigger, creating a gentler and kinder world.
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When faced with an insult or mistreatment from another person, do you instinctively react in a similar manner, potentially escalating the situation? Or do you take a moment to reflect and choose a more measured response?
This blog post was inspired by my morning reading of the May 19 meditation of The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids. The meditation is titled “Teach Them To Be Bigger.“ I could locate Ryan Holiday’s blog post on this meditation he published before the book was released. Please read the full post, but here are a few parts that resonated [Bold emphasis is mine]:
“A ten-year-old Jim Lawson was walking down the street when, as he passed a car, a small child looked at him and called him the n-word. Stunned by the hate and the meanness of it, Lawson reached into the car and slapped the boy in the face.
When his mother found out about this, she was understandably worried. In the then-segregated and racist South, the actions of a young black boy could so easily lead to something terrible and tragic at the hands of awful and unaccountable adults. But more than that, she wanted her son not to be defined or changed by the hate of the world around him.
“What good did that do, Jimmy?” his mother asked him. “We all love you, Jimmy and God loves you,” his mother explained, “and we all believe in you and how good and intelligent you are. We have a good life and you are going to have a good life. With all that love, what harm does that stupid insult do? It’s nothing, Jimmy, it’s empty. Just ignorant words from an ignorant child who is gone from your life the moment it was said.””
“It helped him realize that he was above the horrible things that other people said and did, what mattered, as the Stoics would also say, was what he said and did. What mattered was responding with kindness and love. What mattered was knowing that he was good and that he was loved and nothing anyone else thought could change that.
Lawson’s parents gave him the gift of teaching him–after that understandable lapse–that he was bigger than the small people who lived around him. That he could be the bigger person and do bigger things.“
The encouragement is “Be the bigger person.” Do not allow an external situation to provoke you into regrettable behavior harmful to improving a situation. Though Ryan Holiday writes in The Daily Dad about teaching this to our children, the lesson is one we all must embrace intentionally and heed to the best of our abilities. Awareness of our emotions and pausing before responding will provide a tremendous advantage.
My personal journey is a lifetime work in progress, yet my reading of Stoicism (daily since January 1, 2020) has changed me profoundly, and for that, I am grateful. I find that my inner peace has improved, and I am fairly consistent at not allowing the inevitable inconveniences of everyday life to stir me negatively.
Along with the theme of responding to difficult situations, below are additional thoughts that I reflect upon often and inspire me to strive to bring my best calmness and patience to those difficult situations.
Throughout life, we will encounter people who are different from us and will not or may not behave as we would hope. Our control is in our attitude and response. Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning, expressed:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lie our growth and our freedom.”
In the Daily Stoic blog, Ryan Holiday encourages us in The Taxes of Life that everything we do has a toll attached to it:
“Taxes are an inevitable part of life. There is a cost to everything we do. As Seneca wrote to Lucilius, “All the things which cause complaint or dread are like the taxes of life—things from which, my dear Lucilius, you should never hope for exemption or seek escape.” Income taxes are not the only taxes you pay in life. They are just the financial form. Everything we do has a toll attached to it. Waiting around is a tax on traveling. Rumors and gossip are the taxes that come from acquiring a public persona. Disagreements and occasional frustration are taxes placed on even the happiest of relationships. Theft is a tax on abundance and having things that other people want. Stress and problems are tariffs that come attached to success. And on and on and on.
There’s no reason or time to be angry about any of this. Instead, we should be grateful. Because taxes—literal or figurative—are impossible without wealth. So, what are you going to focus on? That you owe something or that you are lucky enough to own something that can be taxed.”
Accept and gladly pay your taxes for the life you are blessed with.
When we encounter the inevitable “taxes” of difficult people, let’s not hurt ourselves by responding in kind or retaliating. Rather, we should be kind and move forward in our own way—no need to get even no need to have an escalation. Keep moving forward and bring goodness into the world. This helps us the best, and it may help the other person.
I don’t need to “prove my point” or be right. When at all possible (and it is possible a high percentage of the time), my handling of difficult people will be gentle and kind as I quickly move to separate from the situation.
We are not required to pass judgment and have an opinion. You don’t have to get upset. How about giving the benefit of the doubt and calmly thinking internally, “This moment is not about me. This person is doing the best that they can.” Even if I might be incorrect, the perspective serves me well and increases the likelihood of no further negative emotions and diffusion of an unfavorable situation.
Be bigger, and by example, lead others to be bigger. Wouldn’t that make our world a gentler and kinder place?
