“What we are taught, we learn. What we cultivate, we absorb. There are no small acts of kindness. Each compassionate deed is like watering a redwood seed. You never know what heights it might reach.”
–Eric Weiner book The Socrates Express, interpretation of Confucius Philosophy
This post is inspired by Seth Godin’s blog post, “Are you day trading?” published on December 28, 2017 (Ship It calendar day: September 14, 2024), and Eric Weiner’s book The Socrates Express. In Seth’s post, he references the day-trading many of us do every day that compromises our ability to bring our best to our lives and the work we do. We don’t even realize this is happening! Consider this from his post:
“We’re hooked into something volatile, easily measured and emotional. We overdo our response to news, good or bad, and let it distract us from the long-term job of living a useful life.”
“It’ll be volatile with or without your help. Better to set it aside and get back to the real work of making a difference instead.”
Better to set it aside and get back to the real work of making a difference instead. We must be disciplined and intentional with our precious asset of time. Where is your time being “stolen” by daily drama or mainstream news that gets us hyped up? Yet, if you pause and contemplate for a few seconds, you can decide not to engage with the moment and go about making a difference in your life! Small daily micro-moments can shift your entire presence in your world and interactions with others. Consider:
Eliminate consuming mainstream media news.
Do not judge or offer an unsolicited opinion.
Do not gossip.
Read a book.
Be more patient.
Be more tolerant.
Stay calm.
Help others.
Be grateful.
Express thanks and appreciation.
Adopt a mindset of abundance and generosity. Be kind.
All of the above examples are making a difference. How we live daily will contribute to making a difference for ourselves and others. Every moment we allow agitation, frustration, or anger to enter our sphere is time forever lost to the possibility of kindness.
December 11, 2022 | Bill and Terri Tomoff IRL Meetup with Seth Godin
**
June 2019 – TwinzTalk at Kelleys Island – Be Good To People
“Eric Weiner combines his twin passions for philosophy and travel in a globe-trotting pilgrimage that uncovers surprising life lessons from great thinkers around the world, from Rousseau to Nietzsche, Confucius to Simone Weil. Traveling by train (the most thoughtful mode of transport), he journeys thousands of miles, making stops in Athens, Delhi, Wyoming, Coney Island, Frankfurt, and points in between to reconnect with philosophy’s original purpose: teaching us how to lead wiser, more meaningful lives. From Socrates and ancient Athens to Beauvoir and 20th-century Paris, Weiner’s chosen philosophers and places provide important practical and spiritual lessons as we navigate today’s chaotic times.”
In Chapter 9, How to Be Kind like Confucius, Eric notes this about kindness [Bold emphasis is mine]:
“What we are taught, we learn. What we cultivate, we absorb. There are no small acts of kindness. Each compassionate deed is like watering a redwood seed. You never know what heights it might reach.”
“Kindness is always there, whether we notice it or not. “The Great Asymmetry,” the late Harvard paleontologist Stephen Jay Gould called this phenomenon. “Every spectacular incident of evil will be balanced by 10,000 acts of kindness,” he said. We witness these acts every day on our streets and in our homes and, yes, on the New York subway. An elderly woman braves a cold November day to feed the neighborhood squirrels; a businessman, late for a meeting, stops to help a single mom carry the groceries to her car; a teenager, skateboard in hand, notices an expired parking meter and drops a quarter in. That these ordinary acts of kindness rarely make the news renders them no less real, or heroic.
It is our duty, almost a holy responsibility, says Gould, “to record and honor the victorious weight of these innumerable little kindnesses.” Gould, a hard-nosed scientist, saw a practical reason for registering goodness. Kindness honored is kindness multiplied. Kindness is contagious. Witnessing acts of moral beauty triggers a flood of physical and emotional responses. Observing acts of kindness encourages us to act more kindly ourselves, a phenomenon confirmed in several recent studies.
I experience the kindness contagion firsthand. After my week riding the F train, hyperalert to acts of kindness, I become kinder myself. I hold doors for people. I pick up litter. I thank my barista—and leave a tip when she isn’t looking. These small acts won’t snare me the Nobel Peace Prize or sainthood, I realize. But it’s a start. A few more drops on the redwood seed.”
Are you interested in learning more and being more intentional about kindness (please…)? Check out KindLoook.com (Look, a little longer, with kindness…), developed by Daniel Burns, a tremendous human who encourages us all to notice and celebrate acts of kindness. Join the movement of kindness!
Our world is too often dominated by noise and negativity, yet we have the power to create a different reality. If we take small steps to put aside the noise and instead focus on micro-moments of small, intentional acts of kindness, we can be part of a movement toward positive change. Whether eliminating toxic media consumption, practicing patience, being more tolerant, or helping others, each small act contributes to a larger culture of kindness. As we become more aware of the kindness around us, we become kinder ourselves, creating a contagious cycle of good.
Rajesh Setty | Rules for Heart-Led RelationshipsBe Kind – Bill Tomoff and Doug CantlayNovember 11, 2023 | Worthy Rally in NYC | Andrea Sanchez, Bill Tomoff, and Kate Nasser
In this blog post, I reflect on the importance of being the bigger person when faced with perceived insults or mistreatment from others. Inspired by Ryan Holiday’s The Daily Dad meditation “Teach Them To Be Bigger,” I share the story of Jim Lawson, a young African American boy who, after being called a racial slur, was reminded by his mother that he was loved, intelligent, and destined for a good life. This lesson helped him realize that he was above the horrible things others said and did and that responding with kindness and love was what mattered most.
We all must embrace this lesson, and awareness of our emotions and pausing before responding can be tremendously advantageous. My personal journey, aided by my daily reading of Stoicism since January 1, 2020, has helped me in my quest for inner peace and to avoid allowing everyday inconveniences to stir me negatively.
I also reflect on the idea that we will encounter difficult people throughout life, but our control lies in our attitude and response. We should gladly accept the “taxes” of life, be grateful for what we have, and not retaliate when faced with challenges. Instead, be kind, keep moving forward, and set an example for others to be bigger, creating a gentler and kinder world.
Full Original Writing
When faced with an insult or mistreatment from another person, do you instinctively react in a similar manner, potentially escalating the situation? Or do you take a moment to reflect and choose a more measured response?
This blog post was inspired by my morning reading of the May 19 meditation ofThe Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids. The meditation is titled “Teach Them To Be Bigger.“ I could locate Ryan Holiday’s blog post on this meditation he published before the book was released. Please read the full post, but here are a few parts that resonated [Bold emphasis is mine]:
“A ten-year-old Jim Lawson was walking down the street when, as he passed a car, a small child looked at him and called him the n-word. Stunned by the hate and the meanness of it, Lawson reached into the car and slapped the boy in the face.
When his mother found out about this, she was understandably worried. In the then-segregated and racist South, the actions of a young black boy could so easily lead to something terrible and tragic at the hands of awful and unaccountable adults. But more than that, she wanted her son not to be defined or changed by the hate of the world around him.
“What good did that do, Jimmy?” his mother asked him. “We all love you, Jimmy and God loves you,” his mother explained, “and we all believe in you and how good and intelligent you are. We have a good life and you are going to have a good life. With all that love, what harm does that stupid insult do? It’s nothing, Jimmy, it’s empty. Just ignorant words from an ignorant child who is gone from your life the moment it was said.””
“It helped him realize that he was above the horrible things that other people said and did, what mattered, as the Stoics would also say, was what he said and did. What mattered was responding with kindness and love. What mattered was knowing that he was good and that he was loved and nothing anyone else thought could change that.
Lawson’s parents gave him the gift of teaching him–after that understandable lapse–that he was bigger than the small people who lived around him. That he could be the bigger person and do bigger things.“
The encouragement is “Be the bigger person.” Do not allow an external situation to provoke you into regrettable behavior harmful to improving a situation. Though Ryan Holiday writes in The Daily Dad about teaching this to our children, the lesson is one we all must embrace intentionally and heed to the best of our abilities. Awareness of our emotions and pausing before responding will provide a tremendous advantage.
My personal journey is a lifetime work in progress, yet my reading of Stoicism (daily since January 1, 2020) has changed me profoundly, and for that, I am grateful. I find that my inner peace has improved, and I am fairly consistent at not allowing the inevitable inconveniences of everyday life to stir me negatively.
Along with the theme of responding to difficult situations, below are additional thoughts that I reflect upon often and inspire me to strive to bring my best calmness and patience to those difficult situations.
Throughout life, we will encounter people who are different from us and will not or may not behave as we would hope. Our control is in our attitude and response. Viktor Frankl, inMan’s Search for Meaning, expressed:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lie our growth and our freedom.”
In the Daily Stoic blog, Ryan Holiday encourages us inThe Taxes of Life that everything we do has a toll attached to it:
“Taxes are an inevitable part of life. There is a cost to everything we do. As Seneca wrote to Lucilius, “All the things which cause complaint or dread are like the taxes of life—things from which, my dear Lucilius, you should never hope for exemption or seek escape.” Income taxes are not the only taxes you pay in life. They are just the financial form. Everything we do has a toll attached to it. Waiting around is a tax on traveling. Rumors and gossip are the taxes that come from acquiring a public persona. Disagreements and occasional frustration are taxes placed on even the happiest of relationships. Theft is a tax on abundance and having things that other people want. Stress and problems are tariffs that come attached to success. And on and on and on.
There’s no reason or time to be angry about any of this. Instead, we should be grateful. Because taxes—literal or figurative—are impossible without wealth. So, what are you going to focus on? That you owe something or that you are lucky enough to own something that can be taxed.”
Accept and gladly pay your taxes for the life you are blessed with.
When we encounter the inevitable “taxes” of difficult people, let’s not hurt ourselves by responding in kind or retaliating. Rather, we should be kind and move forward in our own way—no need to get even no need to have an escalation. Keep moving forward and bring goodness into the world. This helps us the best, and it may help the other person.
I don’t need to “prove my point” or be right. When at all possible (and it is possible a high percentage of the time), my handling of difficult people will be gentle and kind as I quickly move to separate from the situation.
We are not required to pass judgment and have an opinion.You don’t have to get upset. How about giving the benefit of the doubt and calmly thinking internally, “This moment is not about me. This person is doing the best that they can.” Even if I might be incorrect, the perspective serves me well and increases the likelihood of no further negative emotions and diffusion of an unfavorable situation.
Be bigger, and by example, lead others to be bigger. Wouldn’t that make our world a gentler and kinder place?
In my life, I strive to treat everyone with gentleness and kindness, as I believe we never truly know the struggles others face. This mindset has been deeply shaped by my family’s experience with my son Ryan’s childhood cancer journey, during which we were uplifted by the compassion and kindness of those around us. I am committed to honoring their love and support by bringing my best self forward daily to make a positive difference in the world.
Recently, I discovered Elisabet Lahti’s book “Gentle Power,” which resonates deeply with my belief in the underappreciated strength of gentleness. The book highlights the Finnish concept of “sisu,” which combines determination and inner fortitude with wisdom and heart. Lahti challenges the notion that gentleness is a weakness, presenting it as a powerful tool for leadership, empowerment, and personal growth.
As I read the book, I was struck by the transformative potential of embracing gentleness in all aspects of life. By responding with kindness and understanding, we can inspire others to do the same, creating a ripple effect of positivity. While gentleness may not always be the easiest path, I am convinced that it is the most rewarding one in the long run. I am excited to continue exploring the concept of gentle power and to incorporate its teachings into my daily life as I work to create a more compassionate and nurturing world around me.
Full Original Writing
“Be gentle. Be kind – you never know what someone is going through.”
Bill Tomoff, signing The Focused Fight
The quote above is one I use when autographing Terri Tomoff’s memoir, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, which is my guiding inspiration as I go through my daily life. A casual observer in my life has no idea what I and my family have endured through the years since my son Ryan’s childhood cancer diagnosis in 1996. I firmly believe everyone we encounter has a “story” and challenges we know nothing about. Embracing this mindset, I strive to extend gentleness and kindness in my countless daily interactions and pray that maybe I make a small difference that may lift the spirits of a fellow human being.
“Sisu is a Finnish word for determination and inner fortitude in the face of extreme adversity. Gentle power is to apply sisu with wisdom and heart.”
–Elisabet Lahti, PhD, website
After I had completed Emma Seppala’s book, I was excited to follow her recommendation and start Elisabet’s book! As I write this, I am about one-third of the way through, yet I have noted that the content resonates deeply with my intention to live my days through gentleness and kindness. My dedication has been shaped by our family’s experience with family, friends, and strangers, who have selflessly brought compassion, gentleness, and kindness to our family during the difficult (seemingly impossible) days of Ryan’s cancer treatments. I am living my days in honor of those who have been at our side with unconditional love and concern – developing and bringing my best self forward to make a difference through how I present myself to the world.
Deep within my soul, I believe that gentleness and kindness are strengths vastly underappreciated. I am inspired to see the supporting research that Elisabet shares in her book! I will gladly take “the road less traveled.” Through my actions, I will encourage others and create a ripple of positivity in my world.
Below, I share a few excerpts from the book that resonate with me. I feel like the best is yet to come.
“What would you have? Your gentleness shall force more than your force move us to gentleness.”
-Shakespeare
Shakespeare quote gentleness vs force
Collaborating with ChatGPT, here is a further explanation of the quote’s meaning [Bold emphasis is mine]:
“This quote from William Shakespeare speaks to the power of gentleness over force in influencing others’ behavior. The suggestion is that gentleness and a soft approach can compel others to respond with the same kindness and softness, perhaps even more effectively than using force or aggression.
The underlying idea is that our emotions and behaviors can often inspire similar responses in those around us. One might inspire others to adopt a similar demeanor by choosing gentleness, creating a more harmonious interaction. This reflects a psychological concept known as “emotional contagion,” where people tend to “catch” the emotions of others around them. Thus, gentleness begets gentleness, proving itself a more potent tool for shaping the attitudes and actions of others than harshness or coercion.“
I am not naively suggesting that gentleness and kindness will always “win the moment.” Yet, coming from a genuine place of gentleness and kindness improves the possibility of preventing a contentious or challenging moment from escalating. It can improve the likelihood of a favorable resolution. In the long run, a lifestyle that strives to live with gentleness and kindness WILL be rewarding personally and for all involved. Using force may win the moment but most certainly degrades long-term relationships and effectiveness. If “winning” requires force, this is not how I want to live my life.
Further, regarding gentleness, Elisabet shares in her book about “Mistaking Gentleness for Weakness:”
“Most of us have been told a terrible lie our whole lives that anything soft, gentle, and supple (and feminine) is somehow inherently weak, unreliable, or of lesser value. This lie has caused untold suffering and has led to innumerable harmful decisions in politics and private organizations. For far too long, our culture has been overly infatuated with winning, competing, and making a profit, while gentleness and cooperation has been labeled inferior or fragile.
French philosopher André Comte-Sponville says that gentleness is “courage without violence, strength without harshness, love without anger” and also that “gentleness is gentleness only as long it owes nothing to fear.” 3 Our inability to assert boundaries, our struggles to lead people, and our reluctance to express opinions because we fear rejection is not gentleness but meekness. Gentleness is not about being passive or always accommodating others. Gentleness is a way of moving forward with a kind of dynamic grace. It’s about knowing when to push and when to pull back. It’s about succeeding not through force, but through empowerment.
Far too many of us have been dealing with an out-of-whack nervous system for years. We’ve been hardwired to overreact, overextend, and overwork. Adopting the gentle power style of encountering the world and moving through it isn’t so much about learning something new, but about unlearning these unhealthy ways of living. Gentle power is about finding accomplishment through nurturing a spirit of ease toward ourselves and others instead of achievement (no matter how glorious in the moment) and striving at the long-term cost of inner peace.
Comte-Sponville further describes gentleness as “a kind of peace, either real or desired . . . it can be pierced by anguish and suffering or brightened by joy and gratitude, but it is always devoid of hatred, harshness, and insensitivity.” Imagine if our experiences in leadership, social activism, politics, and families were devoid of harshness, force, and insensitivity. Imagine a relationship with yourself that’s completely free from judgment and blame. Socially, we’re told that this sort of treatment toward ourselves and others is soft and weak when it’s actually empowering, constructive, and energizing.”
Let’s ask ourselves daily, how can I present myself more gently and kindly to the world? I am excited to read more about Elisabet’s work on Gentle Power, inspired by hope and inspiration after reading the first one-third of the book!
In this heartfelt blog post, I share a deeply personal story of how the compassionate leadership of Abe Pollin, owner of the Washington Wizards, helped me navigate a family crisis while maintaining my professional responsibilities. My two-year-old son, Ryan, was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) shortly after our family moved to the Washington, DC area in 1996.
Amidst the chaos of intensive medical care necessary to save Ryan’s life, I received unconditional support and understanding from Mr. Pollin and the Washington Sports & Entertainment (WSELP) organization. Mr. Pollin’s advice to “Keep your eye on the ball, and that ball will change from time to time” resonated deeply with me, helping me prioritize my family and my son’s health while managing my professional obligations.
I express immense gratitude for the trust, flexibility, and genuine concern Mr. Pollin and my colleagues at WSELP extended to me. This support was critical in enabling me to persevere through the challenges of balancing my role as the sole provider for my family, maintaining healthcare coverage, and fulfilling my professional responsibilities.
The blog post also highlights the lasting impact of Mr. Pollin’s leadership style on my life and career. My dedication to the organization, particularly during the sale of WSELP’s assets following Mr. Pollin’s passing in 2009, is a testament to the loyalty and respect inspired by Mr. Pollin’s compassionate leadership.
Through this personal story, I emphasize the importance of empathetic leadership, focusing on what truly matters and expressing gratitude for the support received during life’s most challenging moments. The blog post is an inspiring reminder to readers to identify and focus on their “ball” – their highest priorities in life.
Full Original Writing
“Keep your eye on the ball.” These words of wisdom and encouragement were from Mr. Abe Pollin in early 1997. He gently and compassionately reminded me to go all in on my highest priority.
This post was inspired by an Instagram reel my son-in-law, Bo, sent me. Please watch the short video and continue reading my story of gratitude for Mr. Pollin and the career-saving and life-saving gift of understanding and encouragement that he and the culture of WSELP brought to my and my family’s lives.
On October 17, 1996, only two and one-half months after arriving in the Washington, DC, area, my two-year-old son Ryan was diagnosed with cancer – Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). In an instant, our world was turned upside down, and we were thrown into the day-to-day chaos of intense medical care necessary to save Ryan’s life.
I wrote more in-depth about this experience in my unpublished memoir, Living Life…Off The Track, and portions of that writing are reflected here.
March 13, 2001 | Tomoff Family at Capitals Game
When my family and I moved to Maryland, we had no idea about the leadership and genuine caring qualities of Mr. Pollin. And how that permeated into the culture of the organization. It turned out that I was a lucky professional blessed to receive unconditional support and understanding of the personal demands on me and my family. The professional who believes personal and professional lives should be maintained separately has not dealt with a life-threatening crisis. Without the company’s understanding of my personal demands, I simply could not have survived professionally.
Only days after Ryan’s diagnosis, my non-negotiable priorities were crystal clear, and I was laser-focused on where I would allow my precious time to be spent. Now, 27+ years later, my perspective has not changed, and I consider it a great gift. I fully understand my priorities EVERY DAY. In Chapter 32, Heartfelt Reflections from Bill and Olivia, of Terri’s memoir, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles, I noted:
“This trust and the team of professionals that surrounded me made all the difference in managing the impossible balance I had to maintain. I will never forget Mr. Pollin telling me, “Bill, you need to keep your eye on the ball, and that ball will change from time to time.” His use of the basketball metaphor was spot on, and he stressed to me, “Right now, your son Ryan and your family are the most important ‘ball’ in your life.”
The trust and flexibility afforded me, plus the genuine concern for my personal demands were immeasurable gifts that my WSELP colleagues extended to me. Ultimately, the organization and I were rewarded with a dramatic win-win situation. I am forever grateful for the support provided, and I know this was a critical pillar of our family’s ability to persevere.”
What were my core priorities, and how were the less essential priorities handled? I learned through a devastating life moment that most of my priorities were “nice to do” and not essential to moving my family or me forward. When you are focused on saving your child’s life, previously “essential” tasks go undone. A basketball metaphor from the owner of the NBA Washington Wizards hit me with a clarity I will never forget. What were those priorities boiled to their essence? Three rocks:
Family: Saving Ryan’s life and maintaining some sense of normalcy for our daughter and family unit.
Healthcare: Maintaining and monitoring coverage. Having coverage required that I maintain employment with benefits – I felt enormous pressure and prayed that I could deliver on this imperative necessity.
Work: Professional responsibilities had to be completed. My family’s healthcare and financial survival depended on my job as the sole provider – while Terri focused fully on caregiving for Ryan and balancing Olivia and our family obligations.
A fourth “given” was that Terri and I needed to take care of ourselves to ensure we would be the best we could be for Olivia and Ryan. I dismissed anything that did not drop into these buckets of obligations. There was no time to think, “I will put in more hours,” etc…no exception.
My role when joining WSELP was to handle the accounting responsibilities related to constructing the [then] MCI Center. The arena was a state-of-the-art facility, and the accounting aspects consumed much of my efforts from my arrival in 1996 until opening in December 1997.
In early 1997, I was informed that Mr. Pollin wanted to speak with me. To have a direct one-on-one meeting with him was highly unusual, especially considering I had been in my role for less than a year. We had a delightful conversation that started with updating him on Ryan and my family. I soon learned his highest priority was understanding his employees’ human side. Over time, employees built tremendous loyalty to him and the organization. I quickly learned Mr. Pollin was genuinely concerned about his employees and their families. Below are some of my [edited] thoughts I wrote in my memoir:
“I often mention, “surround yourself with the best,” and you will ultimately enhance your life. My WSELP experience was the best fortune in my career…one could not have asked for a more empathetic and compassionate owner/leader than Mr. Pollin. And his spirit of how to treat employees resonated with all those who worked in the organization. This experience would change me dramatically.”
“My time with Washington Sports & Entertainment (WSELP) would be an exact fit for my and my family’s life. When Ryan was diagnosed, our world was turned upside down, and I truly believe that my accounting career could not have survived in most business environments. People who go through a childhood cancer experience often face incredible challenges to maintain health insurance due to the need to abandon their employment in order to care for the sick child.”
“Mr. Pollin asked that I consider taking on additional responsibilities within the finance operations. I was flattered but surprised that they would remove any of my focus from the MCI Center construction efforts. My heart and soul were going into the effort, and I wanted to see the journey to the arena’s grand opening. This challenge is what brought me and the family to Washington, DC! In addition, I simply could not fathom taking on new responsibilities when Ryan was in the throes of his initial three years and two months treatment protocol. When I shared these sentiments with Mr. Pollin, he commented, “Bill, you need to keep your eye on the ball. In life, that ball will change from time to time.” He fully appreciated and had empathy for the fact that the “ball” at this point in my life were Ryan’s leukemia treatments and my family.”
When Mr. Pollin passed away on November 24, 2009 (age 85), of a rare brain disease (corticobasal degeneration), the focus had to shift to selling the assets of the organization. The process was intense, yet my mission was to dedicate all energy necessary to contribute whatever I could in memory of the personal support and patience of Mr. Pollin and all I worked with over the years. The accounting work was extensive and tedious from November 2009 to the June 2010 sale date and the final transaction closed in November 2010. With a heavy heart, I was privileged and honored to have a significant role in selling WSELP to Monumental Sports & Entertainment. The WSELP organization supported me and my family steadfastly through hell and back for Ryan’s treatments from 1997 to 2005. I cannot imagine any other company and leadership patiently supporting me and my family for over eight years. I am eternally grateful to Mr. Pollin for the kindness, concern, and leadership he showed through his example.
When I left Monumental Sports on June 30, 2011, Rich Brand of Arent Fox gave me a heartwarming recommendation on LinkedIn. I treasure his words as a highlight of my career:
“I am a sports law attorney with Arent Fox and have practiced for more than 25 years. For the past 15 years, I have had the pleasure of working with Bill on countless financing agreements, operational matters, accounting matters and most recently, issues relating to the sale of the enterprise. Bill’s work ethic is extremely impressive but so too are his skills. And even more importantly, his personal attributes are second to none. Bill worked tirelessly on any matter asked of him and was instrumental in helping all parties involved understand the complex financial and accounting type issues. Bill is always able to “translate” what he does and what he knows to people who are less fluent in finance and accounting. He is also an excellent supervisor and earned the respect of his peers the hard way – by doing the work the right way and always on time. He commands the respect of all who worked above and below him in the organization.
The work Bill often had to do for us (or with us) typically carried horrendous deadlines and was critical to our achieving the overall task at hand. Whether it was providing lenders or buyers with all the necessary financial and operational information or providing an analysis of risks and issues to be addressed, it was done promptly, expertly and often utilizing technology that lawyers like myself can only dream of understanding.”
Mr. Pollin and my colleagues with WSELP indelibly impacted my career and life. I am grateful to have done my best to repay (and pay forward in my life) the kindness, passion, and compassion extended to me and my family. And yes, when the “ball” has changed throughout my life, I remind myself, smiling inside and thinking of Mr. Pollin, “Bill, keep your eye on the ball…“
What is your “ball” that deserves your focus?
April 2005 | Ryan Tomoff on the Washington Wizards Court
ChatGPT Dall-E Image – Personal Development Contemplation
“Take what you do seriously. Do not take yourself seriously.” This quote is a theme Don and I have embraced throughout our careers and lives. In our chosen paths in our lives, we must be serious about doing our best and continually preparing to be the optimal contribution we can be. The world is counting on this, and often, we are paid to deliver our talents to an employer. The employer is counting on us and, in turn, provides a paycheck that enables us to support ourselves and those we love. The obligation to perform is serious.
“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”
—Steve Prefontaine
Do not sacrifice the gift. Prioritize time continually to build your skills and build an asset that brings greater value to the world. Personal development must be a priority and is non-negotiable. In a blog post dated March 31, 2024, I wrote about personal growth and the inspiration our family received from Dr. Aziza Shad’s example. Who among us would accept a medical professional who is not committed to their own personal development? Take what you do seriously and always be learning and growing. Non-negotiable.
A #TwinzTalk initiative developed by Don and me focuses on an agenda of personal development topics. One section within the agenda is our list of recommended books. The list includes thirty non-fiction books focused on personal growth.
With our evolving and growing skills, we must be kind and generous to help others. An abundance mindset that embraces “when others win, I win” will serve you well in the long run of life.
Attributes of an Abundance Mindset, Kindness, and Generosity
ChatGPT Dall-E Image – holding door for a stranger
A theme near to my heart and one that has been rewarding for me throughout my life is embracing the concept that kindness and generosity are imperative attributes contributing to our individual fulfillment, success, and happiness. Caring about helping others is a surefire long-term strategy. This is not a purely altruistic suggestion. When others win, we eventually win. I am happy to see April Rinne and others in my social media world are also adamant believers. I am certain their influence over the years has inspired and shaped me to become the professional I am today (and the work never stops).
The evolution of social media and many genuine relationships developed over the years have lifted me up, and the kindness and generosity people bring every day inspire me to strive to bring the same to my network IRL and virtually, to honor and pay it forward for those who have helped me “level up.” We are who we surround ourselves with, and I have found many treasured people who lead by example of how to care, be generous with their talents, and treat others. That’s the tribe I want to belong to and am blessed to have in my life.
The level of kindness and professionalism I witness on social media and with online communities of practice (currently involved in Brainstorm Road Seth Godin-inspired Purple Space, and Harold Jarche’s Perpetual Beta Coffee Club PBCC) has sharpened my lens about all the relationships and interactions in my life. I strive to do my best to help others and to be in community with other like-minded humans.
A final book recommendation is Adam Grant’s Give and Take. Adam makes the case that givers often succeed in their careers and lives. He makes the point that helping others does not need to be grand gestures that take a large commitment of time. A Good Morning America video on YouTube highlights the idea of the “5-Minute Favor.” I know you will be inspired to take action!
Additionally, April Rinne referenced Adam in a spectacular LinkedIn post where she referenced generosity and his book.
Assess your priorities and how those can move you toward your goals and dreams. Once you have clarity, establish a commitment to personal development and be intentional about leading with generosity, kindness, and concern for others. I promise you inspiration and a gratifying cycle of positivity that will bring enhanced growth and happiness to your life! Many of these steps cost no money – just a little consideration when interacting with others.
Please do not sacrifice the gift that you have to make a difference for yourself and others!
Excellence and kindness. These are themes in my life that became more intentional after our family discovered the concept of post-traumatic growth in 2015. Inherently, my personality has always bent toward a gentler and softer approach toward others. Yet, my commitment has since sharpened and become a steadfast part of how I approach my daily life. Thanks to the work of Gary Vaynerchuk, Tom Peters (his book The Excellence Dividend was my book of the year in 2018), and Daniel Burns KindLoook initiative discovered through my participation in the community of practice “Writing in Community,” I now unabashedly consider myself a kindness advocate and [desperately] want others to join the movement!
On July 2, 2022, on a beautiful sunny day in Berthoud, Colorado, my wife Terri and I were on vacation visiting our dear friends Linda and Mark Misencik when I was contemplating my daily writing to be completed. My exact words from my writing entry for the day included:
“Another book idea is percolating while contemplating experiences on vacation.
Working title (“paint at the wall”) to evolve and work with:
“Excellence and Kindness: Live It. See It. Celebrate It.”
My “lens” towards life gained even greater clarity that day. I would strive to intentionally live with excellence and kindness; I would make an effort to see it happening around me, and when I witnessed it, I would celebrate it by acknowledging the kindness or, if unable to acknowledge it, I would move forward inspired to pay kindness forward in honor of the moment I witnessed. Excellence and kindness can and do ripple beyond the act. I choose to believe this and live accordingly.
This thought, shared in the book Thriving as an Empath by Judith Orloff, MD, resonated with me:
“In Buddhism, karma is the destiny you earn through actions and behaviors. What you give is what you get.”
Through my journey of kindness advocacy, my life has been enriched by discovering others who share the mutual desire to make the world a kinder place. I am eternally grateful for everyone who has touched my life with kindness – because they cared. I leave you with this quote:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou
It feels good to make others feel good. When you light another candle, your candle loses nothing. In fact, your candle will burn brighter!
Be Kind – some themes need to be front and center every day of every year.
Happy New Year to all. Wishing everyone a 2024 year filled with kindness and compassion for yourself, others, and our world! Together we can go far…
Andrea Sanchez, thank you for the inspiration and opportunity to share the message with “Be Kind” signs from the “Wisconsin Kindness Angel”.
The above comments were originally shared on LinkedIn with TwinzTalk tip 1179.
In connection with my “Word of the year” for 2024 – Value – I am contemplating the many ways we can bring value to ourselves and others.
I am finding contentment in the all-encompassing nature of the word. The principles I aspire to live by – such as kindness, appreciation, and helping others – contribute to forming my thoughts, decisions, and actions as I go through my day.
While I was out running errands today, it occurred to me that our presence around others (whether we are calm, smiling, or showing enthusiasm, if possible) is a subtle yet compelling way to bring value to our world.
The thought that struck me was, “Your presence matters. Our energy can inspire a ripple into the world.”
Unfortunately, human nature tends to bend towards negative sentiments and “what is wrong” with any situation. When we have a positive experience, it often goes unnoticed, or we move through the moment with no appreciation because the outcome is what we expected. Oh my, such a sad state to carry through our lives!
How about we recognize the problem by recognizing that highlighting negative experiences and complaining about life’s everyday challenges brings an awful vibe to our world?
Let’s intentionally “flip the script” and celebrate the everyday caring and kindness around us. This action will create an energy that has the potential to ripple beyond our imagination. And, by the way, it feels good to be this type of person.
In my daily writing, I recently collaborated with ChatGPT to expand on my belief the “kindness and generosity begets more kindness and generosity.” Along this theme, these quotes resonated:
“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.”
– Princess Diana
“Remember there’s no such things as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”
– Scott Adams
Collaboration with ChatGPT
I asked ChatGPT a few questions about my belief that “kindness and generosity begets more kindness and generosity.” The response noted, “Reciprocal Altruism is a fancy way of saying, “If I help you today, maybe you’ll help me tomorrow.” But the most important part is that you help without expecting anything immediately, just because it’s kind and friendly.”
I added the following prompt:
“I understand your explanation of reciprocal altruism, but I struggle with your presentation – I believe in kindness and generosity with no expectation of a direct reciprocal action. Rather, I believe the “universe” will reward me over the long run. Thus, I believe the style will reward those who consistently practice goodness and kindness, but we cannot be directly looking for reward and affirmation.
Am I making any sense?”
ChatGPT responded with an answer that more aligned with my thinking:
“Yes, you are making perfect sense. Your perspective aligns with a more altruistic or selfless approach to kindness and generosity. In this view, acts of kindness are done without expecting direct reciprocation from the individuals you help. Instead, there’s a broader belief that these good deeds contribute to a positive shift in the universe or the overall fabric of society. This shift may bring about positive outcomes in the long run, potentially in indirect or unforeseen ways.
This approach is more philosophical and spiritual than the concept of reciprocal altruism as defined in social psychology. In comparison, reciprocal altruism focuses on a somewhat transactional understanding of kindness (I help you, expecting that you or someone else will help me in return); your belief system is centered around contributing to the greater good without immediate or direct expectation of return.
In many ways, this can be seen as a more pure form of altruism. It’s about contributing positively to the world and trusting that these actions create a kinder, more generous environment overall. This belief in the long-term, indirect rewards of goodness and kindness resonates with various philosophical and spiritual teachings across cultures. It’s a view that underscores the intrinsic value of good deeds and the belief in a kind of moral balance in the universe.”
Thank you, ChatGPT! The explanation provided beautifully articulates the sentiments I carry in my heart and hold onto to inspire me to strive to set an example of kindness and generosity.
As I reflect on the passing of Charlie Munger, I’m drawn to his humble suggestion for his epitaph, “I tried to be useful,” a sentiment that deeply resonates with my personal journey. His legacy, marked by wisdom and humility, inspires me to consider my life’s motto in ten words or less, “I did my best. I cared.” This phrase encapsulates my commitment to living with effort, compassion, and personal accountability, emphasizing that my actions are guided by intrinsic motivation rather than the pursuit of external validation. My recent four years of daily engagement with stoic meditations have profoundly influenced my perspective, teaching me the liberating truth that one’s value isn’t determined by universal acceptance but by the authenticity and kindness of one’s actions.
In my reflections, I’ve come to understand that it’s not about how others perceive my efforts but how I perceive them. I am inspired by the idea that while we can’t control others’ opinions, we do control our intentions and efforts. This understanding has been a guiding principle in my life, especially sharpened as I consider the legacy I wish to leave behind. With inspiration from Munger’s philosophy and my own stoicism efforts, I aim to live authentically, contribute meaningfully, and maintain inner peace by upholding my own standards and intentions, striving to make a difference in ways that inspire me, and focusing on acting with goodness and kindness without concern for external judgment.
Original Full Reflection
Charlie Munger, vice chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, passed away on November 28, 2023, at 99 years old. Warren Buffett “described Munger as his closest partner and right-hand man.” Due to my lifetime interest in personal finance and investing, I searched for more information about Munger upon learning of his passing.
A quote from Munger inspires this writing and my preliminary title for a book effort in 2024.
“I Did My Best. I Cared: Reflections on Experiences, Lessons Learned, and Heartfelt Tips to Live a Fulfilling Life.”
As Sahil Bloom shared on Twitter (X), Jason Zweig asked Munger “What he might want for an epitaph of no more than ten words. His reply was immediate and full of epistemic humility: “I tried to be useful.” Not “I was useful.” That would be for other people to judge. But “I tried.” That much he knew.”
Charlie Munger humbly answered, “I tried to be useful,” acknowledging that his intent and effort were under his control – not how others would judge him. His brief statement speaks volumes to his sincere desire to be the best-contributing human he was capable of, yet he was not going to guide his actions based on how he thought others might judge him. External judgment of his actions was not his business. I love his response and his perspective. Munger’s perspective is very stoic-like and reminded me of stoicism thoughts that have touched on this theme often.
The important part of my proposed book title is my personal response to Munger’s answer to a question from Zweig:
No more than ten words, yet this speaks from my heart about how I want to leave my life’s journey: “I Did My Best. I Cared.”
My intent and heart are dedicated to answering affirmatively when I question myself, “Have I done my best?” Not “Have I done my best in the eyes of others?” When we can go deep within ourselves and know that we have done our best, the feeling is liberating and provides peace with ourselves. I am measuring by my own standards and limitations. This is the measuring stick I strive to hold for myself, and I also strive to give grace to others by reminding myself that they are also doing their best – whatever that means for them. The best effort of others is not my place to judge.
Over the past four years, I have been reading The Daily Stoic Meditations daily, and I attribute the process to helping refine my thinking and behavior toward life. This is why Charlie’s epitaph suggestion, focused on what was within HIS control, resonated with me and prompted this reflection.
In the Daily Stoic email post, They’re Not All Going To Like You, we are encouraged to remember that “we are not for everyone, and we never will be.” It is liberating for us to reflect on and accept this fact and go forward with genuine intent to bring good and kindness to the world.
“In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius talks about how it’s easier to deal with stuff when you understand the percentages–that a certain number of certain types of people exist, for example, and you’re bound to bump into them eventually. Do you really think it’s possible for everyone to like you?
We didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t bigotry or hatred. It’s just a mismatch. That actor whose face you don’t like…you have that same face for someone else. That person you roll your eyes at, you’re them to someone else. That show you change the channel to avoid, someone is doing that to your work right now.”
“You must accept that we’re not for everyone and we never will be. What matters is that we like ourselves, that we stand for what we like, and we leave those who this bothers alone.”
Inspired by my work with the Stoicism philosophy, Charlie Munger’s suggestion for his epitaph hit close to home for me. My heart is full as I consider the progress in my life – staying true to making a difference in the ways that inspire me and not seeking validation and affirmation from others. I did my best. I cared. Today, this sentiment feels perfect for me as I reflect on my life. How I am judged for my contributions is not my concern. I prefer to act with goodness and kindness and know I am making a meaningful impact. I know.
In this blog post, I share my reflections and insights shaped by a journey marked with resilience and gratitude, deeply influenced by my son Ryan’s courageous battles against cancer. Drawing wisdom from Terri Tomoff’s “The Focused Fight,” I explore how these profound experiences have enriched my perspective, fostering a commitment to spread kindness and positivity.
As I approach my 65th birthday, my heart is brimming with gratitude. I’m dedicated to living a life filled with impact, kindness, and helpfulness, embracing the concept of post-traumatic growth. I’m inspired by Adam Grant’s “five-minute favors” from his book “Give and Take,” believing in the cumulative power of small, intentional acts of kindness.
My life philosophy is encapsulated in three core themes. Firstly, through “The Focused Fight,” I aim to encourage others with a message of gentleness and understanding. Secondly, our Tomoff family mission focuses on helping one person, one family, at a time. Finally, along with my twin Don and our #TwinzTalk initiative, we endeavor to change the world one interaction at a time. These principles guide my daily interactions, where I strive to be an encouraging and enthusiastic presence.
Supporting this message, I reference a post from Instagram’s imagine_values and a “Five-Minute Favors” video on YouTube. Additionally, musician Nick Cave’s words resonate deeply with me, highlighting the significance of everyday gestures in creating ripples of change. Cave eloquently speaks to the profound impact of our smallest actions and their meaningful consequences.
In conclusion, I extend a heartfelt invitation to join me in embracing micro-moments of kindness and a gentler approach towards ourselves and others. Every action, no matter how small, matters significantly. Through these seemingly insignificant acts, we can all contribute to lifting the spirits of others, thus shaping a kinder, more compassionate world.
Full Reflection
My perspective and efforts in life strive to lead with a grateful heart as I go through my days. When I am gentle and kind to myself, I am inspired to bring that same presence to the world and those I interact with. I could credit many life events for their role in shaping me into who I am today. Yet, the dramatic life-threatening and life-altering event of my son Ryan’s five-time battles with cancer and the lens through which I experience life have profoundly changed me. Terri Tomoff’s memoir,The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, shares Ryan and our family’s journey since his original diagnosis in 1996.
As I approach my 65th birthday (!), my heart is filled with gratitude for the growth I have experienced in my life, and I am dedicated with my heart and soul to being an impactful, kind, caring, and helpful person for the rest of my life. The concept ofpost-traumatic growth is one that Terri and I embrace fully, and we strive to be intentional in our efforts to pay it forward for the unimaginable care and kindness that has been shared with our family over the years.
Recognizing that TIME is my most precious asset, I have dedicated efforts focused on micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors (encouraged by Adam Grant in his book Give and Take). Opportunities abound to make a difference in our world, and my approach to seemingly small, insignificant, yet genuine acts of kindness WILL make a compounding difference in my world. How do I “know?” I believe, and I KNOW – I do not need affirmation. I promise – live your life to bring good to the world – and you will notice the impact on you and your world!
A few themes I believe and strive for as part of my values are:
My theme – encouragement with signed copies of The Focused Fight:
“Be gentle. Be kind – you never know what someone is going through.”
Our Tomoff family mission of The Focused Fight book:
“Helping others, one person, one family, at a time.”
Bill and Don Tomoff’s mission of #TwinzTalk and our professional work:
“Changing the world, one interaction, one person, at a time.”
My preferred contributions for making an impact in my corner of the world are to focus on micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors. How I conduct myself daily is critically important, and I strive to be an encouraging and enthusiastic presence as I go through my activities and interactions. Our actions matter – a lot. An inspiration fromimagine_values on Instagram is a fantastic reminder for my approach to bringing value to my life and world: “Think big and act small.“
“The everyday human gesture is always a heartbeat away from the miraculous.
Remember that ultimately, we make things happen through our actions, way beyond our understanding or intention; that our seemingly small ordinary human acts have untold consequences; that what we do in this world means something; that we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything.
Our deeds, no matter how insignificant they may feel, are replete with meaning and of vast consequence, and they constantly impact upon the unfolding story of the world, whether we know it or not.”
Portions of the unedited post at the link provided above resonated with me:
“Perhaps the song attempts to present the idea that the everyday human gesture is always a heartbeat away from the miraculous – that ultimately we make things happen through our actions, way beyond our understanding or intention; that our seemingly small ordinary human acts have untold consequences; that what we do in this world means something; that we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything. Night Raid tells us that our deeds, no matter how insignificant they may feel, are replete with meaning, and of vast consequence, and that they constantly impact upon the unfolding story of the world, whether we know it or not.”
“… All action provokes change. Nothing is ineffectual. Nothing.
Francis, rather than feel impotent and useless, you must come to terms with the fact that as a human being you are infinitely powerful, and take responsibility for this tremendous power. Even our smallest actions have potential for great change, positively or negatively, and the way in which we all conduct ourselves within the world means something. You are anything but impotent, you are, in fact, exquisitely and frighteningly dynamic, as are we all, and with all respect you have an obligation to stand up and take responsibility for that potential. It is your most ordinary and urgent duty.”
My hope is anyone who reads my post here will embrace the magic of micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors. As Nick Cave encourages, EVERY action matters. We all can prioritize time to contribute and lift the spirits of others through seemingly insignificant actions.
May we all adopt a kinder and gentler approach to ourselves and our interactions with others? Join me in this movement.
PS – if you need to move in front of me in a long traffic line, I’ve got you covered!
I pause to reflect back on November 3, 2004, a day ingrained in our hearts as we nervously sat in Duke University Medical Center, awaiting the marrow donation that held the hope of a fresh lease of life for Ryan, battling Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.
The week of outpatient radiation Ryan endured, wiping out his immune system, only intensified the need for a successful transfusion, each passing moment fueling our prayers for the meticulous execution of the transplant.
Our beacon of hope was Scott Harris, whose altruistic act of marrow donation from miles away in New York was the cornerstone of Ryan’s fight for survival. His selfless act is a testament to the adage that humanity thrives in unity.
Rajesh Setty’s words, “Life-changing gifts deserve a lifetime of gratitude,” resonates deeply with our experiences, encapsulating the essence of thankfulness we foster each day for Scott and many others whose benevolence has been a guiding light in our journey.
The narrative within Terri’s memoir, “The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles,” not only chronicles our voyage through turbulent times but also advocates for the priceless act of marrow donation, urging the reader to explore and share the life-saving potential encapsulated in “Be The Match.”
Our narrative is a homage to the boundless generosity we’ve received and a call to action for others to partake in life-altering acts of kindness, fostering a continuum of hope and lifesaving camaraderie.
Full Reflection (Written November 3, 2023)
“Life-changing gifts deserve a lifetime of gratitude.” – Rajesh Setty
November 3, 2004. Nineteen years ago today, my family and I were in Durham, NC, at Duke University Medical Center. Terri Tomoff and my son, sister Olivia’s brother, were with Ryan as we anxiously awaited the marrow donation to be delivered to Duke and prepared for transfusion to Ryan. We all were praying for the successful execution of steps that needed to be taken to provide Ryan with his opportunity for a life-saving transplant. He was waiting in his hospital room after having completed a week of outpatient radiation that eliminated his immune system – his body’s ability to fight an infection was non-existent.
When we experienced Ryan’s 3x wars with childhood cancer (ALL – Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia), we immediately understood that people need people. Success in the process was not in our control. The realization creates desperation. On this day in November 2004, we all waited anxiously for the necessary steps that had to unfold before delivering the marrow transfusion to Ryan.
We would only learn the specifics a full year later. Still, our donor, Scott Harris, from the New York area, started the morning of November 3rd by going to a local hospital to have his marrow harvested for delivery to Duke, where a ten-year-old boy and his family waited. At approximately 7:45 PM, the transplant was started!
Every day, we carry an attitude of gratitude for Scott Harris and the gift of life that his selfless act provided to Ryan and our family. Yet, on the anniversary, we take an intentional pause and reflect on his kindness, along with the care and compassion of many people and medical professionals who dedicated their efforts to Ryan’s survival. Rajesh Setty’s quote above, which I discovered in his YouTube video, “Growing and Changing the World One Thank You at a Time,” could not more perfectly articulate the emotion in our family.
I encourage everyone to watch the video for thought-provoking inspiration and encouragement from Rajesh, particularly from 3:00 to 5:05 minutes, where he references Dr. Howard Hogshead and life-changing gifts.
The list of people I feel heartfelt gratitude for is very long, and we dedicate our lives to helping others, honoring those who have impacted our journey and who ultimately gave the gift of life to Ryan.
In her memoir book, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles, Terri discusses Ryan and our family’s in-depth journey through transplant (Chapter 23 – The Transplant) and the emotional meeting with Scott Harris on November 4, 2005 (Chapter 27 – Can YOU Be The Match?).
As Terri asks with her title of chapter 27 – can you be the match? Please check out and share the critically vital link to Be The Match.
November 3, 2004 – Ryan Tomoff transplant is started at 7:45 PMNovember 4, 2005 – Ryan Tomoff meets his Bone Marrow Transplant donor Scott Harris.July 2021 – Olivia, Bill, Terri, and Ryan Tomoff celebrate Terri’s The Focused Fight book, published March 11, 2021December 2019 – Olivia and Ryan Tomoff – Maui, Hawaii
