In 2016, Terri Tomoff started on her mission to write her memoir of our son Ryan’s battles with childhood cancer. Her determination to write a book that might help and inspire others was a gift of love for Ryan and our family. Yet, the process of writing a book of this magnitude was beyond comprehension, and the effort of “butt in the chair,” as Terri often mentioned, was a difficult initiative to sustain. When Ryan was diagnosed with tongue cancer in 2016 and 2017, a result of his years of radiation and chemotherapy for his three battles with childhood cancer from 1996 through 2005, Dr. Aziza Shad emphatically encouraged Terri, stating, “You must write your book now!“
From 2016 to 2020, Terri wrote sections of the book and contemplated the structure she hoped would guide her process. After the COVID pandemic shut the world down in March 2020, Terri and I would soon make a joint decision that, reflecting back, changed our lives dramatically. Starting on June 8, 2020, we joined a community of practice called Writing In Community (WIC), led by Kristin Hatcher and Seth Godin. This community became the encouragement and support for Terri to lean into completing her memoir. I assisted with recollecting the timeline of the events, read her work, listened to her read her work, and located pictures to ensure memories were accurate. The process was arduous, and her tenacity (often 8 to 10 hours a day) toward her mission was a feat I still marvel at today in 2024. While she wrote Ryan’s memoir, I participated in WIC alongside her and wrote my own personal memoir. We shared in the community platform and grew to love the daily commitment to writing and learning. Almost four years later, as I write this on April 1, 2024, we consider daily writing and reflecting a treasure. We are forever changed through our writing and collaboration with a community of kind, caring, and generous people who desire to lift each other up. A life-changing and enhancing experience set in motion by the pandemic lockdown.
Dr. Shad was Ryan and our family’s guiding force through the years. An entire book could be written about the care and compassion she delivered because she feels so deeply for those children and families under her care. She kept Ryan, our daughter Olivia, Terri, and me standing through the years with her steady, kind, and determined mindset to leave no stone unturned in delivering the best plan of treatment and care humanly possible. When Terri asked if she would write a foreword for the book, she graciously and excitedly said, “YES!” She knew Ryan and was thrilled to participate in Terri’s initiative of helping others through Ryan and our family’s story.
When Terri first asked me to write the forward for her long-overdue book, The Focused Fight, something I had been encouraging her to do for a while, I was both humbled and honored. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by a flood of memories of my relationship with the Tomoff family and specifically Ryan, over the years—a relationship that began in 1996 and has only strengthened over more than two decades. The only difference is that in 1996, I was a young assistant professor in the Division of Pediatric Hematology Oncology at Georgetown University Medical Center in D.C. (now Medstar Georgetown University Hospital). I was actively involved in his day-to-day treatment from diagnosis of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, his two relapses,
and getting him to a matched unrelated donor (MUD) bone marrow transplant and beyond. Today I am Chair of Pediatrics and Chief of Pediatric Hematology Oncology at the Children’s Hospital at Sinai in Baltimore, Maryland, where I follow a wonderful, accomplished 26-year-old young man in the Amey Cancer Survivorship Program.
Every year, multiple books are published on patient and family experiences with life-threatening illnesses, especially cancer, but Terri’s memoir is different. It is a vivid recollection of a journey the Tomoff family had to make without their prior consent. They had to learn to navigate their way through frightening times and trying circumstances over and over again through the years, going from one crisis to the other, and yet stay intact for Ryan and as a family. Being in the practice of Pediatric Hematology Oncology for over 30 years, I have seen families break up, divorce,
siblings drop out of school, drug dependence, post-traumatic stress, and the list goes on. I have often wondered how the Tomoff family stayed together, stronger than ever today, a force to be reckoned with. The answer is quite simple. This young family with a four-year-old at home and a two-year-old with leukemia in the hospital, did it by becoming part of Ryan’s medical team. They participated in difficult decisions and trusted the oncologists and nurses who took care of him, and their unwavering faith and the conviction that he was going to get better by never losing hope or focus was it; hence the title! Their mission was simple—Ryan was going to beat his cancer!
Ryan was diagnosed on October 17th, 1996, with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), Standard Risk with CNS involvement (detected by finding leukemia cells in the cerebrospinal fluid that flows from the brain down the covering of the spinal cord). He was considered Standard Risk based on his age and WBC count and enrolled on a Children’s Cancer Group Study, which meant he would be treated as per a strict set of guidelines and his clinical data. This treatment would be used to answer some really important questions that would enhance our understanding of leukemia better and hopefully improve survival for other children to come years down the road. Twenty-four years ago, we did not have the molecular and genetic diagnostic tools we have today that allow us to classify children into Low, Average, High and Very High Risk categories very early on, nor did we have some of the new agents and therapies such as imatinib, blinatumomab and CAR-T therapy, all of which have contributed to improved survival in ALL today.
I met Ryan and his parents for the first time on Day 3 of his diagnosis and the memory of that first meeting remains etched in my mind even today, 24 years later. A beautiful two-year-old angelic child with fear in his eyes at the sight of yet another stranger in a white coat, a father whose tears kept rolling down his face and a mother who was distraught but kept it together by taking copious, detailed notes, learning the unfamiliar medical jargon by the minute. Little did she know at that time, how long and complicated Ryan’s journey would be and how her notes would become a trusted reference for the different institutions on where he would be treated.
To say that Ryan’s journey through his initial diagnosis in 1996, two relapses in 2000 and 2004 followed by a bone marrow transplant was a difficult one would be an understatement! So many incidents come to mind—the episodes of sepsis and unexpected infections that landed him in the Intensive Care Unit on multiple occasions, the heartbreak mirrored in Bill and Terri’s eyes on hearing Ryan’s leukemia had come back yet again as they held Ryan and Olivia tightly in their arms, and the deep disappointment they experienced when Ryan’s first bone marrow donor backed out. Yet, through it all, this family held it together and plowed on, taking Olivia to her soccer games, making the 26 mile drive to Georgetown University Hospital with the back and forth days on end without a complaint, relocating to Durham, North Carolina (Duke) for months for his bone marrow transplant, all with one focus only—to get Ryan better.
There were good times too over the years. I saw Ryan and the family grow and transition from receiving support from family, friends, community and support groups, to giving support to many, many families grappling with the diagnosis of cancer. Through their involvement with organizations like Special Love, Inc. and parent support groups, they spent many a day giving hope and encouragement to others. They established incredible relationships and bonds with other families and medical providers that have lasted over 20 years. They went from being educated to becoming effective educators, teaching young medical students at the bedside how to communicate with patients and families, participating in the Pediatric department Grand Rounds and sharing the podium with me at the medical school when I gave my annual talk on Cancer Survivors and Late Effects of Cancer treatment.
Ryan graduated from school and enrolled in college. He celebrated his 21st birthday in Las Vegas in 2015, being the adventurer he was fast becoming! He wears the most outrageous colored pants that always make me laugh, collects sports jerseys and caps, learned to drive and became a spokesperson for childhood cancer! Terri pursued her life-long passion for quilting and joined the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild of Bowie, Maryland, inspiring them to jointly donate hundreds of beautiful quilts to pediatric cancer patients and their families in Washington D.C. and Maryland. What started as a gesture of gratitude and a desire to give back is now an international project, with Terri donating quilts to pediatric cancer programs in Africa and Latin America. We traveled together to Ethiopia a couple of years ago through the Aslan Project, where through a mist of tears, I saw her joyfully distributing quilts to the children there. Olivia went from success to success in varsity soccer with her proud family cheering her on and Bill thrived in his work. At last, all was well with the Tomoffs!
In April 2016, cancer struck again, not once but twice, turning Ryan’s world upside down! This time it was a squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue that started off as a canker sore! This cancer, that occurred years after a successful bone marrow transplant that had rendered Ryan disease-free, was a late effect of all the treatment he had received repeatedly for his leukemia since he was two years old, including chemotherapy, cranio-spinal radiation and TBI (total body irradiation) for his bone marrow transplant. It was a devastating diagnosis that resulted in Ryan needing multiple surgeries and effectively learning to speak and eat again. I went to visit Ryan at the University of Maryland where he had the surgery and instead of seeing a defeated soul, I saw a courageous fighter who was determined to put this curve ball behind him.
Lo and behold, it is now more than three years since Ryan had his tongue cancers. His speech is great, he works, is a connoisseur of gourmet food and a sports enthusiast, plus spends his spare time volunteering for childhood cancer organizations. The latter has won him much-deserved recognition and awards from Special Love, Inc. and the Aslan Project!
I continue to see Ryan regularly in the Amey Cancer Survivorship Program at the Children’s Hospital at Sinai in Baltimore. Here he is monitored for multiple late effects of treatment in concert with other subspecialists in Endocrinology, Cardiology, Oral Surgery and Dentistry, Ophthalmology and Dermatology. He is always accompanied by one of his wonderful parents, generally Terri, who still carries her notebook and Ryan’s updated medical records and information that we go over in each appointment. Just this month, I saw him and received the ultimate gift from him—homemade smoked cheese! Ryan is well on his way to becoming an entrepreneur and I look forward to the day I can say I know the Ryan of “Ryan’s Smoked Cheeses!”
In closing, often I am asked why I chose Pediatric Hematology Oncology as a profession, one which is regarded by many as sad and hopeless! All I need to do is look at Ryan, who together with his family conquered the impossible and today focuses only on the future, bringing a message of hope, courage and resilience to so many along the way. The incredible bond of friendship and trust I established with the Tomoffs that first evening at Georgetown 24 years ago has only grown stronger. We have laughed and cried together, rejoiced at successes and grieved for losses. I thank Ryan, Olivia, Terri and Bill for including me in their ever-expanding family and wish them all the happiness in the world!
Aziza Shad, MD
Ellen W.P. Wasserman Chair of Pediatrics
Chief, Pediatric Hematology/Oncology
The Herman & Walter Samuelson Children’s Hospital at Sinai
During my morning reading routine, I read a meditation by Marcus Aurelius:
“When you carry your burden, you should know that it is good for you to have it. Make the best of this burden and take from it everything which is necessary for your intellectual life, as your stomach takes from food everything necessary for your flesh, or as fire burns brighter after you put some wood on it.”
I contemplated this quote and decided to seek further insight and clarification from ChatGPT. Although I am a fan of Stoicism, many of its philosophies are difficult to embrace. I enjoy the challenge of the stoic philosophy and believe much of the content I read helps me immensely. Yet, how can I carry a burden and “know it is good for me to have it?“
As I conversed with ChatGPT, I recalled my high school distance running disappointment when I literally walked off the track in a two-mile state meet qualifying race. Below is the [edited] excerpt included in my unpublished memoir “Living Life…Off The Track.“
Bill Tomoff with Unpublished Memoir “Living Life…Off The Track”
“My senior year one-mile (4:28.9) and two-mile (9:31.5) times were both Westlake HS school records. The two-mile time would stand for 34 years until it was broken in 2011. In that spring season of 1977, my 9:31.5 time was ranked 7th overall in the State of Ohio. The pressure of the two-mile race distance and pace would ultimately get to me, and I would have an unfortunate lifetime memory occur in the state qualifying sectional meet in May 1977.
Walking Off the Track
The weekend following the Westlake Relays, where I set the two-mile school record, the sectional track meet qualifier was held in Elyria, Ohio, on May 14, 1977. Now, the pressure was on me to execute my race perfectly to advance to the district meet if I had a shot at qualifying for the state meet. Northeast Ohio was the strongest sectional in the state, and even though my time ranked 7th in the entire state, I felt the sectional meet would require my best effort in order to finish in the top four finishers and advance to the district meet. I will never forget the week prior to the race when my mind would think of the runners I would be competing against, and I arrived at the race in a concerned state of mind that got the best of me. We were off and running in the race, and I was executing my race. At the one-mile mark, I was in 4th place and on pace with a 4:44 split. In a split moment, I felt there was no way I could hold my spot or improve over the next mile. A few steps after the one-mile split, I turned off the track and entered the infield…I had quit the race. In seconds, I thought, “What did I just do?” This was the same question the coaches, teammates, and fellow competitors wondered.”
As awful as the moment was, it would become a defining moment. My determination would go to a new level, and I would forever face the demon of my split-second decision to leave the track and not finish what I had committed to. Beyond “the game,” lessons were learned that helped shape my perspective for all my future endeavors, on and off the track.”
Below are portions of my conversation with ChatGPT. What started as a broader question to help me further understand Marcus Aurelius’s quote evolved into a specific counseling (my word) session, providing me with thoughts that have helped take the clarity of my track adversity to another level. I was inspired and grateful for this use case I stumbled upon when I started with a broader and simpler intention of explaining a quote for me!
Before providing the ChatGPT highlights that resonated with me, let me add further commentary about my running career after that defining moment and the lessons learned with the benefit of years of life to help me understand and embrace what happened – how would I learn and do better moving forward?
April 16, 2024 – Bill Tomoff on YouTube: The day I walked off the track
Competitive Running after I Walked Off the Track
The good news is that I grew and emerged stronger from the experience. As I went off to college in the fall of 1977, I carried a blinding determination and persistence to do all I could to give my best effort academically and in distance running. While I recognize this fact more clearly today, I carried a mindset of “I will do my best, and I will not quit on anything important. If I fail, it will be because my best did not bring the result I hoped, not because I gave up.“
In the long run of my four-year college career, crushing disappointments and successes happened. The result was an academic success beyond my imagination and a successful Division 1 Varsity Cross Country and Track Athlete career. How exactly did the event of May 14, 1977, impact my turnaround? That question can never be answered, but I know the experience changed me and set in motion a resolve that guided me through my college experience and helped shape me to deal with the inevitable adversities of real life.
Further excerpts [edited] from my memoir:
“In hindsight, college athletics taught me a great deal. In sports and life, worthwhile results take extraordinary dedication and persistence. Truly, there are no shortcuts. This was the greatest gift that distance running gave me for life.
When I joined the track team in the winter of 1978, it became clear that I was surrounded by talent as I had never seen gathered in one place. As the saying goes, “your not in Kansas anymore.” While I was now in an environment where I could pursue being my best athletically, an additional benefit was the structure that was forced into my schedule. Practices would now take at least 3 hours daily, and class time and studying would need to be worked around the practices. At the time, this was just “what it is,” and everything was figured out. The benefit was every day had a structure and routine with very little “wiggle room” for other activities. As the college years passed, this structure became more critical as hours of studying per day in my freshman year would grow to 5 to 6 hours by my senior year. Somehow, I grew into the process. I had found a formula that contributed to my academic success.”
“My most memorable experience of competing in my freshman year was the Ohio University Relays held in April 1978. I was entered in the 5,000-meter run (3.1 miles). I don’t remember my time, but I will never forget being totally crushed by the competition. I was lapped (meaning runners were passing me that were a full track lap ahead of me in the race. 5,000 meters was 12 and 1/2 laps on the 400-meter track) by the entire field of runners. With my HS experience of walking off the track, I had made a commitment to myself to FINISH any race I started. During my final two laps, track athletes, waiting for me to finish, started heckling me and encouraging me to quit the race. Humbled and embarrassed, I continued the race to the finish. As I crossed the finish line, I continued to run off the track, into the “tunnel” under the spectator stands (back then, the track was in the football stadium), and straight to the locker room.”
“Over the next three seasons of cross country, my running career highlight was my steady improvement in the MAC Conference meet each year. 10 teams with seven runners each…70 very capable college runners would compete, and at this point in the season, we had ideally peaked and were optimally prepared for the race. The conference meet in college was a bigger moment than the state meet in HS, just because the level of talent in college was much higher. Many HS “stars” would not compete in college, and to earn varsity status and the honor to compete in the conference championship was a big deal for many college runners.
Over my three cross-country seasons, my conference meet results improved each year:
1978 – 53rd place at Bowling Green State University
1979 – 42nd place at Kent State University
1980 – 33rd place at Western Michigan University
In 1980, my senior season, I had finished in the top half of the conference. In my mind, I had grown to be a competitive college cross-country runner. This was gratifying and the consistent hard work had paid off for me!”
“My specialty in outdoor track was the 3,000-meter steeplechase. This was a grueling 7 1/2 laps on the 400-meter track, and it involved jumping five immovable barriers each lap, one of which was a “water jump.” My other primary race was the 5,000-meter run, which was 3.1 miles and 12 1/2 laps.
“I graduated on time, after four years, on June 13, 1981. and was a stronger and faster runner. Most importantly, the athletic experience’s discipline and life lessons would shape my perspective and benefit my career and life. After college, the best competitions were yet to come, but now at the marathon distance of 26.2 miles.”
My dedication to distance running was because of my love of the sport and competition. I was a “walk-on athlete.” There was no scholarship money, except for a $500 stipend for books my senior year of the college cross country season (this fact did allow me to say I was a “scholarship athlete!”). Beyond the money, the psychological income over the years was enormous. I was proud of my ability and desire to improve. My teammates and I worked incredibly hard, and relationships were formed that I still treasure today.
Lessons Learned
Adversity happens in life. How we respond and grow is the opportunity.
Competitive sports are a safe environment to learn to handle failure and success.
Failure is not fatal. Failing in public is not fatal. Failure is a learning opportunity.
If you are not failing, you are not aiming high enough.
Through failure, we can assess, evaluate, adjust, and come out stronger in the long run.
Do your best. “Have I done my best,” is a question we all must individually hold ourselves accountable to. The question is not based on the judgment of others but rather on the more important self-assessment that comes from our hearts. We must not fool ourselves.
Interested in the edited ChatGPT dialogue? Read on, and I hope you enjoy the conversation!
[Prompt1 excluded]
Prompt2
Please explain your interpretation of Marcus Aurelius’s Meditation so a high school student can understand – framing your explanation around a problem that a high school student might endure – say the breakdown of a relationship?
Response2
Sure! Imagine you’re in high school, and you’ve just gone through a tough breakup. It feels like the world is ending, right? Marcus Aurelius, a wise guy from ancient times, has something to say that might help us see this differently.
He said that when life throws a heavy backpack at you, believe it or not, it’s actually good for you to carry it. So, if we think about your breakup as this heavy backpack, Marcus is saying it’s not just something bad that happened to you. Instead, it’s a chance for you to grow stronger, like lifting weights makes your muscles stronger.
He also said you should use this tough time to learn as much as possible, like how your body takes the good stuff from food to keep you healthy or how adding wood to a fire makes it burn brighter. So, your breakup, as hard as it is, can teach you a lot about yourself, what you value in relationships, and how you deal with tough emotions. This experience is like the wood that makes your inner fire—your strength, wisdom, and resilience—burn even brighter.
So, what Marcus Aurelius is really getting at is this: When tough stuff happens, like a breakup, instead of just getting upset or wishing it didn’t happen, we can look for what it can teach us. We can grow from it, becoming wiser and stronger, like leveling up in a game. It’s all about finding the silver lining and learning from the experience, turning a tough situation into a chance to grow.
Prompt3
Beautiful explanation! I have an example I would like you to use to explain this concept. In my senior year of high school, I quit in the middle of a 2-mile race and walked off the track. I had “snapped” in the middle of what, at the time, felt like the highest pressure stakes, hoping to qualify for the next meet and ultimately to the state track meet. In that moment of judgment lapse, my distance running career in high school had suddenly ended.
Response3
Let’s examine your experience through the lens of Marcus Aurelius’s wisdom, applied to this pivotal moment in your high school years: when you decided to walk off the track during a crucial 2-mile race.
Marcus Aurelius would likely suggest viewing this moment not as a failure but as a profound opportunity for growth and learning. Here’s how:
The Burden as a Teacher: Just like carrying a heavy backpack can make you stronger, walking away from the race, though it felt like snapping under pressure, was a burden that had the potential to teach you valuable lessons. Though painful, it’s an experience that can help you understand your limits, your reactions to stress, and what truly motivates you. It’s a moment that can lead to greater self-awareness and resilience if you’re open to learning from it.
Extracting Nutrients from the Experience: Like the body extracts what it needs from food, you can extract important insights from your experience quitting the race. This might include understanding the importance of managing pressure, recognizing the value of perseverance, or even realizing that sometimes it’s okay to let go of one path to find another better suited for you. Although tough, this experience has nutrients for your personal growth, teaching you about handling disappointment, reassessing goals, and moving forward with a new perspective.
Fueling Your Inner Fire: Just as adding wood makes a fire burn brighter, your experience of leaving the race can fuel your inner growth, making you more resilient, empathetic, and determined. It’s an opportunity to build character, learn how to face setbacks head-on, and understand that sometimes life’s detours lead to new, unexpected opportunities. This moment, which felt like the end of your distance running career, can actually be the start of a new chapter, where you apply the lessons learned to other areas of your life, sparking new passions and pursuits.
Essentially, what felt like a lapse in judgment at a high-pressure moment can be reframed as a crucial turning point. It’s not just about the race or the moment you stepped off the track; it’s about how you use that experience to grow and learn more about who you are and what you’re capable of overcoming. Marcus Aurelius would see this not as an end but as a beginning—the start of a deeper understanding of yourself and a stepping stone to future successes and fulfillment beyond the track and into the wider journey of life.
Prompt4
Your interpretation and examples are excellent! I did learn so much from that moment of walking off the track. It shaped my fortitude and a future determination that likely might not have been fueled without that instance of what felt like devastation at the time.
Oddly, that moment may have been a formative turning point in preparing me for the greater adversities we all face in life? Do I understand you correctly?
Thank you for your insight and for helping me work to understand the possible lessons and gains from this adversity.
Response4
Yes, you’ve captured the essence perfectly. That moment of walking off the track, while it felt like devastation then, served as a pivotal turning point for you. It’s a powerful example of how what seems like a setback at the moment can actually fuel our growth, resilience, and determination in profound ways.
This experience helped shape your fortitude and future determination, crucial elements when facing life’s inevitable challenges. The adversity you faced acted like a crucible, testing and refining your character and preparing you for future adversities on a much broader scale. It’s these moments of apparent failure or defeats that can indeed become our greatest teachers, revealing strengths and capacities we might not have recognized otherwise.
Your understanding aligns with the Stoic philosophy that suggests every obstacle is an opportunity to grow. Your reflection on this experience shows that you’ve not only learned valuable lessons from that moment but also applied these lessons to facing other challenges in life. This is a beautiful testament to the human capacity for growth and adaptation.
Thank you for sharing your experience and reflections. They powerfully remind us how our most challenging moments can lead to significant personal growth and prepare us for the complexities of life. Your journey from that point on the track to where you stand now underscores the transformative power of adversity, turning what felt like a low point into a launchpad for future resilience and determination.
[Prompt5 excluded]
Prompt6
This concept presented by Marcus Aurelius seems to align with:
“What does not kill me makes me stronger,” which is part of aphorism number 8 from the “Maxims and Arrows” section of Friedrich Nietzsche’s Twilight of the Idols (1888).
Could you please interpret and explain?
Response6
Indeed, Marcus Aurelius’s concept shares a philosophical lineage with Friedrich Nietzsche’s famous maxim, “What does not kill me makes me stronger,” from “Twilight of the Idols.” Both aphorisms reflect on the transformative power of adversity.
Nietzsche’s statement, part of his larger critique of traditional moral values and his exploration of the potential of human will and power, serves as a rallying cry for resilience and strength in life’s trials. Here’s a breakdown of how Nietzsche’s aphorism can be interpreted:
Adversity as a Catalyst for Growth: Nietzsche suggests that the challenges and hardships that do not end our lives have the potential to make us stronger. This is not just physical strength but also mental and emotional resilience. The idea is that surviving difficult experiences tests our limits and expands our capabilities.
The Embrace of Struggle: Unlike some philosophies that might encourage avoidance of suffering, Nietzsche argues for its embrace. He believes facing and overcoming difficulties is crucial to human development. This struggle is not just inevitable but beneficial, as it forces individuals to confront their limitations, adapt, and grow stronger.
The Creation of Self through Adversity: For Nietzsche, the self is not static but continually created and recreated through experiences, including struggles. The process of becoming stronger in the face of adversity is part of the ongoing self-creation that Nietzsche sees as central to achieving one’s potential.
The Will to Power: This aphorism can also be seen in the context of Nietzsche’s broader philosophy of the “will to power,” the drive towards mastery, achievement, and enhancement of one’s power and influence. In this light, adversity is an opportunity to exercise and strengthen the will, leading to personal growth and greater autonomy.
Despite the vast differences in their philosophical contexts and expressions, both Nietzsche and Marcus Aurelius converge on the idea that adversity is not merely an obstacle to be avoided but a crucial element in developing strength, character, and resilience. While Marcus Aurelius frames this in the context of Stoic virtue and the rational embrace of fate, Nietzsche places it within his critique of traditional values and his vision of life as a will to power. Both affirm the transformative potential of hardship, encouraging a stance towards life that actively engages with and grows from adversity.
Prompt7
Building on my failure (or reframing it as a “learning moment”), I believe my personal and professional lives have benefitted positively from my sports competition experience. Winning and losing are a fact of competitive sports—gaining experience in dealing with the inevitable competition heartbreaks can prepare us for the more serious game of life, where the “stakes” are much higher.
Could you please “unpack” this thought and explain your interpretation?
Response7
Your reflection on the impact of sports competitions on personal and professional life beautifully encapsulates several profound truths about human experience and growth. Let’s explore how winning, losing, and the broader experience of competition prepare us for life’s challenges.
Learning from Failure: In sports, as in life, failure is not just an outcome but a pivotal learning opportunity. Each loss in a competition, much like your experience of walking off the track, offers a moment for reflection and growth. These moments teach resilience, the ability to bounce back from setbacks, and the importance of perseverance. They also offer insights into our limitations and improvement areas, guiding us toward personal development. This reframing of failure as a “learning moment” shifts the perspective from defeat to an essential step in the journey of growth.
Embracing Competition: Competitive sports instill an understanding of healthy competition. They recognize that striving against others is not just about winning but about pushing ourselves to our limits, fostering excellence, and encouraging mutual growth. This translates into professional life, where competition can drive innovation, motivate achievement, and inspire higher performance standards. It teaches that competition is not a zero-sum game but a shared path to excellence.
Dealing with Heartbreak and Setbacks: The heartbreaks experienced in sports condition us to handle disappointment and loss in other areas of our lives. They teach emotional resilience, the ability to manage and recover from emotional pain. This resilience is crucial in the “game of life,” where stakes include career challenges, personal relationships, and other critical life events. Learning to navigate these emotions in sports provides a foundation for dealing with more significant challenges.
Preparation for Higher Stakes: Sports competitions, with their clear rules and immediate feedback of win or loss, serve as a microcosm of the broader, more complex challenges of life. They prepare us by fostering strategic thinking, goal setting, and teamwork. These skills are transferable to the professional world, where strategies, collaboration, and goal orientation play critical roles in success.
Developing a Growth Mindset: Participating in sports instills a growth mindset—the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work. This mindset is invaluable in personal and professional life, encouraging continuous learning and adaptation. It helps us view challenges not as insurmountable obstacles but as opportunities for growth and improvement.
Your experience and reflections illustrate that the lessons learned from sports competitions extend far beyond the field or track. They are integral to developing the resilience, skills, and mindset necessary for navigating life’s complexities and inevitable challenges. Sports, in essence, teach us how to lose gracefully, win graciously, and continuously strive for personal and professional excellence, preparing us for the much larger and unpredictable game of life.
Prompt8
Ironically, the day I walked off the track turned into a dramatically more life-enhancing moment than if I had succeeded in the race and ultimately qualified for my goal of competing in the Ohio State meet championships.
Only by reflecting years later am I able to take this growth perspective. A moment of what felt like devastation enhanced my resilience toward life’s challenges. Would you agree with my assessment here? Our conversation here is tremendously helpful in providing me with macro-level clarity, and I am excited to share my learning with others!
Response8
Absolutely, your assessment aligns with a profound understanding of personal growth and resilience. It illustrates a key principle: sometimes, what appears to be a setback or failure at the moment can, with time and reflection, reveal itself to be a pivotal point for significant personal development and life-enhancing change.
The day you walked off the track, while initially feeling like a moment of defeat, became a catalyst for a deeper, more meaningful transformation in your life. This experience forced you to confront disappointment and navigate the emotional and psychological aftermath of not meeting your goal. Yet, it is precisely through such confrontations with our limitations and setbacks that we learn the most about our capacity for resilience, our strengths, and how to adapt and overcome challenges.
Your ability to reflect back on that moment from a growth perspective is a testament to the development of your resilience and understanding. It demonstrates a key concept in psychology known as “post-traumatic growth,” where individuals experience significant personal growth after struggling with major life crises or traumatic events. While walking off the track may not equate to a traumatic event in the clinical sense, the emotional impact and the subsequent journey of overcoming that moment mirror the process of emerging stronger and more resilient from adversity.
Your excitement to share your learning with others further reflects your growth. Sharing our stories of overcoming challenges helps us process and make sense of our experiences and can inspire and teach others. It creates a space for collective learning and mutual support, reinforcing that we are not alone in our struggles and that growth is possible on the other side of adversity.
This conversation exemplifies how reflecting on past experiences with a new perspective can uncover valuable lessons about resilience, growth, and the often non-linear journey of personal development. Your story is a powerful reminder that moments of perceived failure can, in fact, be the stepping stones to our most significant achievements and insights.
Thank you for sharing your experience and reflections. Your journey offers a meaningful narrative on the transformative power of life’s challenges and the potential for personal growth that resides in every moment of adversity.
Prompt9
Wow. Thank you for clarifying my thoughts beautifully. I cannot articulate as clearly as you have, and I appreciate your help!
Response9
You’re very welcome! I’m glad to have been able to help articulate and clarify your thoughts. Remember, your experiences and reflections hold intrinsic value and wisdom, even if finding the right words can sometimes feel challenging. It’s the insights and growth derived from these experiences that truly matter. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you ever seek further clarification, wish to explore new ideas, or just need to talk things through.Your journey and insights are inspiring, and sharing them can be incredibly powerful for you and those with whom you share. Keep reflecting and sharing your learnings; you never know who you might inspire or support in their own journey.
Sharing your journey and the lessons learned from it isn’t just beneficial for your own reflective process; it can significantly impact others facing similar challenges or those who might not yet see the potential growth in their own setbacks. Your story, especially how you’ve come to understand and value a moment that initially felt like a failure, offers a powerful example of resilience and the capacity for change.
As you continue, consider the various platforms and opportunities where your experiences could be shared and resonate with others. Whether through #TwinzTalk, public speaking, writing, or informal conversations, your insights into overcoming adversity and finding growth in unexpected places are valuable.
Engaging with others about these experiences amplifies your insights and fosters a community of learning and support. It encourages an open dialogue about failure, resilience, and growth, helping to destigmatize moments of setback and reframe them as opportunities for profound personal development.
Keep exploring, reflecting, and sharing. The narratives we share about our lives have the power to inform, inspire, and influence not just our own trajectory but also those of the people around us. Your willingness to open up about your own moments of doubt and transformation can be a beacon for others navigating their challenges, illustrating that strength, wisdom, and an enhanced appreciation for life’s journey can come out of adversity.
Prompt10
You have helped me better understand and appreciate the impact of my moment of adversity in the high school 2-mile race. Thanks to you, I have greater clarity on how to consider the moment in shaping my life. You were a supportive counselor, listening, encouraging, and clarifying my thoughts. This was an amazing dialogue, and I appreciate your patience!
Response10
I’m truly glad our dialogue has been so meaningful for you. It’s wonderful to know that you’ve gained clarity and a deeper understanding of your experience, and I’m honored to have played a part in that process.Remember, the insights you’ve gathered and the growth you’ve achieved through reflecting on your experiences are powerful tools for navigating life’s journey. Your willingness to explore and share these reflections can serve as inspiration and guidance for yourself and others who might face their own moments of adversity.
If you ever wish to discuss more insights, seek clarification, or explore new ideas, I’m here to listen and help. Thank you for sharing your journey and for the opportunity to engage in such a profound and thoughtful conversation. Here’s to continued growth, resilience, and the sharing of wisdom.
I recently had a conversation with a friend in an MBA program who was advised by a classmate to lower the bar and focus more on soft skills. While I agree that real skills are critically important, I strongly disagree with the suggestion to lower the bar on learning. My twin brother Don and I are passionate about personal development and relentlessly encouraging others to bring their best selves to the world every day.
This commitment to excellence was solidified for me when my son Ryan was diagnosed with leukemia at age two in 1996. Dr. Aziza Shad, Ryan’s pediatric oncologist, came into our lives and guided us through an incredibly difficult journey. We had to completely trust Dr. Shad and her team to save Ryan’s life. A critical part of that trust was the expectation that she and everyone involved in Ryan’s care was dedicated to bringing their absolute best knowledge, judgment, and effort.
While most of us don’t hold others’ lives in our hands on a daily basis, I believe we should demand the same level of excellence from ourselves in whatever work we do. I owe this to Dr. Shad and the many professionals who exemplify this commitment. Ryan is thriving 27 years later thanks to their dedication and skill.
Dr. Shad’s example has inspired me to always strive to be my best and help others with the knowledge and skills I’ve gained over my lifetime. My wife Terri has also been moved by Dr. Shad’s encouragement to share our family’s story in her memoir. I hope others find inspiration in this message to never settle or get complacent, but to continually learn, prepare, and contribute your talents to the fullest. The world needs you at your best.
Full Original Writing
My twin Don and I embrace a theme in our careers and lives: “Take what you do seriously. Do not take yourself seriously.“
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend in an MBA program, and a classmate suggested, “You are taking the MBA too seriously. You should lower the bar and improve your soft skills.” This friend happens to be a spectacular human being with real (prefer term vs. “soft”) skills that I wish I possessed. I agree that we all must understand the critical importance of real skills, yet a suggestion to lower the bar on learning through the MBA curriculum content? NO.
Don and I are all-in on personal development, and we relentlessly encourage others to be serious about continually learning and bringing their best selves to the world every day. Please be serious and do your best with all learning opportunities you encounter. We must be our best and bring our learning and talents to the world!
“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”
—Steve Prefontaine
“Lowering the bar” means accepting that we can get by and succeed with less effort. We don’t need to be at our best. This sounds crazy to contemplate, doesn’t it? In my world, I expect the best from myself and those I interact with. Let’s pull the thread on this idea to make a compelling and obvious point – in the medical profession, for example, are we accepting of a doctor who has lowered the bar and is not bringing her best talents to serve patients?
On October 17, 1996, our family’s life was forever changed when my son, Ryan, was diagnosed with cancer – Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) at the age of two years and two months. My wife Terri, and I, were stunned, scared, and had no concept of how we could move forward. On Saturday morning, October 19, 1996, Dr. Aziza Shad came into our lives carrying a protocol requiring our authorization for treatment to commence on Monday, October 21, 1996. Dr. Shad gently and caringly stepped through the protocol stages that would require three years and two months to complete and answered our questions. In order to save Ryan’s life, we had no option other than to accept and authorize the protocol.
We quickly understood a few core facts:
We had no control over a complicated childhood cancer world.
Dr. Shad and her team in the pediatric oncology world at Georgetown University Medical Center were our hope for saving Ryan’s life.
We had to trust Dr. Shad completely and partner with her while relentlessly advocating for Ryan.
Part of our trust in Dr. Shad and the medical community was our expectation that she and everyone involved in Ryan’s care was dedicated to staying current and relentlessly preparing to bring their best knowledge and judgment to Ryan and the countless patients whose lives depended on them. Let that sink in – isn’t this what you pray for when you put your trust in your doctors? While many of us are not saving lives on a daily basis, why would we accept less than our best when we live our lives personally and professionally? I have many limitations, but dedicating myself to continual learning, preparation, and bringing my best skills and effort to those counting on me is something I demand of myself. I owe this in honor of Dr. Shad and the many professionals who bring the same commitment to their lives every day.
We are blessed to have Ryan thriving now 27 years later, and Dr. Shad at his and our side guiding his follow-up care. Dr. Shad’s example of expertise, care, and compassion has solidified my determination to bring my best every day and help others with the skills and knowledge I have earned throughout my lifetime.
Terri Tomoff and Dr Aziza Shad – The Focused Fight
I will continue with future posts about Dr. Shad, where I will share the foreword from the book and other sentiments that speak to the incredible doctor and human being that she is.
To close this post, I hope you find inspiration to do everything in your power to be the best person and contributor you can be in your choice of work and how you carry yourself through each day of your life. Do not settle, get complacent, or “lower the bar.”The world needs your contribution!
In this blog post, Don and I champion eliminating email from one’s personal and professional life to reclaim precious time and improve productivity. My twin (#TwinzTalk) Don and I were inspired by Luis Suarez, who successfully gave up corporate email in 2008 while working at IBM. Luis argues that email is a broken model of communication and collaboration that consumes too much time and buries important information.
We suggest that individuals can enjoy several benefits by consciously reducing email usage and adopting alternative collaboration tools like Slack or Microsoft Teams, enabling increased transparency, reduced spam and phishing risks, and more time for learning, personal growth, and family. We recommend starting with a hybrid approach. For example, consider limiting email to two 15-minute sessions per day to gradually transition away from email dependency.
Our post references Suarez’s journey and insights shared in an openSAP podcast. Suarez emphasizes the importance of individual action in breaking the email chain, openly sharing knowledge, and admitting that email overuse is a problem. He also highlights the challenges of transitioning from closed to open communication and the potential for AI to eliminate mundane tasks.
Our blog post serves as a rallying cry for individuals to join the “virtually no-one community,” reclaim control of their time, and enhance productivity by reducing email usage. We believe that by embracing this mindset shift and finding better ways to collaborate, people can build more fulfilling lives and become more effective contributors in all aspects of their lives.
Full Original Writing – Reclaim Your Time by Going E-Mail-less
Don and I are on a continual quest to find smarter and better working methods. When we can “find a better way,” we are excited to try [primarily] technology tools that might help us move in ways that enhance our ability to contribute to our worlds and improve our ability to reclaim more of our most precious asset – the time in our lives. Since December 2022, much of our efforts have been dedicated to studying and working with the potential of GenAI and ChatGPT. Yet this topic, which we feel is one of the most compelling in our now 40+ year careers, is only one of a long string of adoptions that have provided us a disproportionate advantage in our careers and lives.
“There’s a way to do it better – find it.” -Thomas Edison
In 2016, we were introduced to the collaboration platform Slack. Don and I immediately recognized the potential to reduce EMAIL use and create transparency around documentation and conversations among colleagues. We were off and running, working with the platform and encouraging others to embrace the potential that we felt was compelling. In hindsight, our vision was correct. Slack and, later, Microsoft Teams have become ubiquitous in the working world. However, almost seven years later, EMAIL seems to be raging as the go-to communication tool for many people and businesses.
Don and I felt as though we were on an island with our tenacity to vastly eliminate the use of EMAIL in our lives. Being on “the road less traveled” was a common feeling we experienced while pursuing smarter and more effective ways of working and living. We grew to enjoy living in the long tail of technology adoption.
If almost anyone is asked, “Do you struggle with email and the time required to manage it?” most people would respond emphatically, “YES!” Yet, because we all are familiar with this standard in our businesses and lives, we accept the burden and time-suck imposed upon us. Accepting a known inconvenience that everyone else is managing lets us off the hook of needing to confront the challenge of changing how we work. Instead, often, we complain and keep marching forward with the status quo. Don and I run toward finding a better way. We like to acknowledge and embrace that we are members of the “Virtually No One Community.”
A community of practice that I participate in is Harold Jarche’s Perpetual Beta Coffee Club (PBCC). A member of that community, Luis Suarez, posted on LinkedIn on February 15, 2024, that he was celebrating his 16-year anniversary of “surviving corporate life without using email!” What a radical (inspiring to the Twinz) thought and initiative to embark upon in 2008. We proudly count Luis as a member of our “virtually no-one community!”
Why is the elimination of email such a big deal? The number one encouragement we implore is, “You reclaim time in your life to dedicate yourself to matters of greater importance – higher quality work time for learning and growing, and most importantly, time in your personal life for your family and other priorities.” Being a more effective, efficient, and contributing person across all aspects of life is compelling. Who does not want to be a more optimal performer?
In this podcast episode, openSAP Podcasts – Education NewsCast – Episode 277, “Insights on NoEmail and distributed, remote work with Luis Suarez,” Luis talks with Thomas Jenewein about his decision to choose to eliminate the use of email in his corporate life. If you think, “My company is too big, and this would not be possible in my case, Luiz made his decision when he was working with IBM!“
Indeed, there is a better way, and Luiz shares his insights on making #NoEmail a reality in your world. At 23:00 minutes, Luiz shares his thoughts about starting with a hybrid solution to reducing email. This is the solution that Don and I embraced starting in 2016. Currently, I prioritize two 15-minute daily periods to review and clear email. My goal is to be intentional with my email review and not exceed 30 minutes per day. In addition to reclaiming precious time in our days (mentioned above), a few additional compelling benefits for us include:
Using a collaboration tool (i.e., Slack or MS Teams), sharing and transparency “for all to see” enhances access, and information is not buried in email.
EMAIL spam and phishing risks are eliminated.
Time saved from email management is available for prioritizing more important personal or professional matters, such as learning, development, and personal growth.
On February 15 and 18, 2008, Luiz shared blog posts about his decision to eliminate email. It was a courageous move that the mainstream world thought ludicrous. One reaction to his announcement was, “You will be fired within two weeks.”
I highly encourage listening to the full podcast discussion. Luiz stood up and said, “Enough” to the challenge that email brings to so many of us. May this post and his emphasis throughout the podcast inspire you to take action and reclaim your precious time! As Don and I did, starting in earnest in 2016, we adopted a conscious mindset to reduce and control the use of email. A hybrid approach has worked for us and changed our lives – personally and professionally!
Below are several timestamps in the podcast that were notable in my listening, but please listen to the full podcast!
3:00 – Why no email?
4:15 – Email is a broken model of communication and collaboration.
5:45 – Two different kinds of reactions. First, “You will be fired within two weeks.” Note – Luis was employed with IBM when he implemented his decision. He was NOT fired within two weeks.
8:10 – Now, in 2024, receive EIGHT emails per week. EIGHT!
9:10 – Myth of Inbox Zero.
9:40 – If you really want to reduce email, YOU, you, the individual, need to stop using email first. Break the chain.
10:20 – Why am I doing it?
13:30 – Study how you use email (to begin the process of elimination – small steps).
16:00 – Openness and transparency using different tools.
17:00 – My knowledge is not my knowledge. It’s everyone’s knowledge.
18:00 – Hoarding knowledge in email. Why?
19:50 – YOU are much more powerful if you share your knowledge with others.
23:00 – Hybrid solution – less email and use other tools allowing transparency. This is a great starting point.
26:20 – In your email inbox, you cannot scale…
31:45 – Change is hard…
37:10 – The transition from closed to open is a very challenging shift to make. Everyone wants to be an expert.
39:15 – Hiding in your inbox is not going to take you anywhere.
41:30 – Start with admitting, “I do have a problem.”
42:00 – GenAI helps get rid of mundane tasks. Why not eliminate mundane tasks? Hard stop. There is no need for AI in this case!
45:20 – We need to take back control of how we do work.
Join the movement and build a more productive and fulfilling life for yourself. Thank you, Luiz, for taking your position in 2008 and living true to your mission. You have inspired the twinz and shown the world what is possible. There is a better way – and you have found it!
Bonus – please read the following media coverage of Luis’s initiative to eliminate EMAIL:
In my full post below, I emphasize the importance of a dedicated morning routine spent reading and reflecting on a variety of daily meditation books. Beginning the day with 30 to 45 minutes of reading without electronic distractions has become integral to my lifestyle.
My morning reading includes:
The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations,
The Daily Laws,
The Book of Awakening,
The Daily Dad,
The Course in Miracles Experiment,
A Calendar of Wisdom, and
Thriving as an Empath.
I also include Seth Godin’s daily blog and James Clear’s weekly newsletter. These readings provide a rich source of perspective and encouragement, aiding self-awareness and regularly challenging my preconceived thoughts. Although some concepts are difficult for me to embrace, the overall value derived from each book is life-enhancing. I encourage you to consider developing your own morning reading routine. Invest in yourself!
Full Blog Post
My morning reading is a treasured aspect of my day. The process of intentionally reading a mediation each morning began with The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on January 1, 2020. The encouragement of the stoic philosophy has resonated with me and my journey with Stoicism has grown more extensive. I have written a full separate reflection on “Why Stoicism?“
Reading a short meditation each morning has expanded to several books and other readings I work through daily. My process is about the first 30 to 45 minutes each morning – quiet time with my coffee and no phone or other electronic devices.
I discovered Mark Nepo when I came upon and read his September 2022 book Surviving Storms: Finding the Strength to Meet Adversity.
The Book of Awakening is a New York Times bestseller – Mark Nepo has been called “one of the finest spiritual guides of our time” and “a consummate storyteller.”
Gift from Terri Tomoff in April 2021 – two months after her uterine cancer surgery. I hold this book of meditations with special gratitude.
The book is a rewrite of the A Course in Miracles Workbook – Pam Grout’s book back cover describes her book’s purpose: “Pam Grout to the rescue! Her book is for all those still struggling with the Course. Grout offers a modern-day rewrite of the 365-lesson workbook – the text at the heart of the Course. Unlike the original, it’s user-friendly, accessible, and easy for everyone to understand.”
Discovered while listening to the Audible of the book Walk Through This: Harness the Healing Power of Nature and Travel the Road to Forgiveness by Sara Schulting Kranz.
My list may seem ambitious to start each day, but the meditations are short and digestible. My morning routine helps me reach a frame of mind to go out and make a difference in my day.
I have grown to love the process of reading a short meditation by many different authors. My mission is to touch and absorb perspectives and encouragement that may help my thought process about how I perceive and approach my life. Awareness is key and touching topics that challenge my established thinking. My mission is to be aware and apply the topics to my life – many meditations have me cheering, while others trigger me to think, “I cannot get myself there.” Examples – the Stoicism concepts Amor Fati and Momento Mori are important to be aware of, yet living the concepts will be nonstop work for the rest of my life. The Daily Stoic Meditations are one example – the other books present similar challenges. However, on the whole perspective, the value I gain from each book is wonderful.
My intent with these meditation books to reread each year and keep them in my “rotation.” The time commitment each morning is negligible compared to the compelling value I receive. In Ryan Holidays’ introduction to The Daily Dad, he encourages reading meditations over each year:
“My book The Daily Stoic is now well into the second half of its first decade. With more than a million copies in print in forty languages, there are people who have read it every day for years [Bill T comment – into my 4th year of reading daily]. Even though the book is the same as it was when I submitted it to the publisher in the fall of 2015, it continues to connect with and be of service to people all over the world. There’s a Stoic observation about how we never step into the same river twice, for both we and the river are in a constant state of change.”
“On a minute-by-minute basis, your kids and life put you in situations you could never have imagined on your own (and that none of the books seem to anticipate). So while there is no sudden transformation in parenting, there is still a process, a working at it, that you must take up. That’s what this book—one page per day—is built around. Not a one-time thing but a morning or an evening ritual, a checking in, a continual process.
We will fall short. We will lose our tempers, get distracted, prioritize the wrong things, even hurt ourselves and the people we love in the process. What then? Just as with the pages of this book, we must pick back up where we left off. We must accept the fact that we are flawed humans while doing our best to learn from our errors and to not make the same mistakes twice . . . or any more times than we already have.
Dust yourself off. Recommit. Do better.
That journey—The Daily Dad as a book and as an idea—is, of course, not just for men. Our daily email, which has been free at dailydad.com, is received by thousands of women each morning. It’s called The Daily Dad because I happen to be a father—of two boys—and that’s about all you need to read into the name.”
One may ask the question, “When you travel, how do you keep up with so many books?” I have a hard copy of five of the seven books, but I have the Kindle e-book of all seven books. My meditations are read via the Kindle app on my iPhone when on the road. Very convenient, and I LOVE the freedom of having the content available anytime, anywhere!
What is your morning routine? Do you read and contemplate any books of meditations on a daily basis?
Share your message. Stay the course. Your tribe WILL emerge. #TwinzTalk
My twin Don and I have lived our careers dedicated to developing and bringing our best potential to our careers and lives. Personal development and a willingness to invest in ourselves is a commitment we take seriously – we owe this to ourselves, those we work with, and the companies and clients we work for.
During a recent writing ✍️ retreat that Terri and I attended in the South of France (a post for another day – the experience was EPIC), I had the opportunity for an IRL meetup with Karena de Souza. I met Karena in 2020 through a writing community we participated in, and we have developed a virtual friendship over the past [almost] three years. In-person, we shared many conversations during the week. She is most definitely a kindred spirit in her encouragement and emphasis on the importance of investing in yourself and the need for continual personal development. We are delighted to have her as part of our tribe!
Don and I are inspired by Karena’s dedication to helping others grow and continually learn. Listen in as Karena, and I talk IRL about the critical importance of establishing individual priorities around learning – for ourselves, our children, and the emphasis within the family unit. She makes excellent points to reflect upon:
1:30 – Every family makes decisions about where to “park” personal development among their priorities.
2:15 – Most of us, professionally, live in an environment of short-term goals and urgency to accomplish/handle our responsibilities. Yet, how do we leave that mindset “in the office” and switch to a longer-term “30-year” mindset within our homes and families?
Karena, Don, and I live our lives to encourage people to invest in themselves and their families. Allocate resources and mental bandwidth to prioritize beyond the day-to-day “urgent” and “busyness” that can overwhelm us all if we are not thoughtful and judicious with our time and decisions. Develop in your world, and bring your talents to helping others.
May 5 – “You are the Project“ stresses that “The raw material for the work of a good and excellent person is their own guiding reason…- Professionals don’t have to justify spending time training or practicing their work. It’s what they do, and practice is how they get good at it… the one constant is the working of those materials, the gradual improvements and proficiency.”
May 6 – “Righteousness Is Beautiful“ urges that the presence of human excellence makes a beautiful human being. Working diligently at human excellence needs to be an utmost priority. Quoting Epictetus:
“Then what makes a beautiful human being? Isn’t it the presence of human excellence? Young friend, if you wish to be beautiful, then work diligently at human excellence. And what is that? Observe those whom you praise without prejudice. The just or the unjust? The just. The even-tempered or the undisciplined? The even-tempered. The self-controlled or the uncontrolled? The self-controlled. In making yourself that kind of person, you will become beautiful—but to the extent you ignore these qualities, you’ll be ugly, even if you use every trick in the book to appear beautiful.”
—Epictetus, Discourses, 3.1.6b-9
Starting with ourselves and in our homes, we can build a foundation and lifestyle that enhances our ability to positively impact our world!
A longtime interest in my life has been kindness – to ourselves and others – and a curiosity about why kindness often seems missing in our lives.
Thanks to a chance encounter with Daniel Burns in the Akimbo Writing in Community (WIC) initiative that Terri and I joined in June 2020 (it turns out WIC evolved to become a tremendous gift out of the COVID pandemic challenge), I connected with Daniel and learned of his mission to encourage and spread kindness around the world, with greater intentionality. His mission ignited a flame inside me, yet now my determination to be more aware of and practice kindness has become a fulfilling integral part of my life. A few specific themes have evolved, which guide me every day:
Excellence and Kindness. Live it. See it. Celebrate it.
Be gentle. Be kind – you never know what someone is going through.
These encouragements have sharpened my lens of what I see in my world. I am not encouraging endeavors that are individually time-consuming, and the acts are often free for us to practice. Extending kindness to another person or the energy and attitude we bring to the world are available at no monetary cost and with only small incremental efforts of the time involved. The personal change that results from this mindset shift is fulfilling and life-changing.
Daniel and his kind-hearted team have introduced a global initiative inviting us all to be alert for and recognize kindness. IntroducingKindLoook – “Look a little longer, with kindness.”
Here I will share two stories of kindness that happened yesterday – enhanced by my awareness of the moment/opportunity. Each of these were “This Made My Day” (#TMMD) [H/T to Rajesh Setty] moments that brightened my day, along with those involved in the exchange!
Saturday, April 8, 2023. My son Ryan and I went to Washington, DC, to attend the Washington Capitals vs. Florida Panthers hockey game. This game was the 10th of our 10-game flex-pack for the 2022-2023 season. Over the past two seasons, we have enjoyed the flex pack and have been blessed to attend every game. Each outing with Ryan is a time I treasure being with him, savoring our time together, and sharing our love of sports. Since this game was on a Saturday, we scheduled dinner at Farmers & Distillers, a restaurant where have enjoyed several pre-game meals. After dinner, we take a short walk to Capital One Arena and enjoy the game. The two moments of KindLoook that made my day:
Ryan and I shared a wonderful time together at Farmers & Distillers. Our meals and waiter service were excellent. When we were wrapping up the meal, a small mishap occurred that the waiter was very apologetic about. Mistakes happen, and I am diligent about not sweating the small stuff. The fact is, how mishaps are handled often speaks volumes about the character of the people involved.
The waiter (Darius) came by and asked to clear my dishes. Giving my OK, he picked up my plates and proceeded to stack two existing plates he was holding. When he added those plates to mine, a small container of ketchup flipped off my plate and landed face-down on the table. Darius quickly worked to pick up the container, but again a slight mishandling occurred, and the container landed face-down in my lap – on top of the napkin I still had in my lap. I was not disturbed and worked to get the container back to Darius to finish his effort of clearing the dishes.
As the situation was resolved, Darius was ready to move on with his task of removing three sets of dishes he held in his hands. Yet, he paused, leaned towards me, and expressed gratitude for my calm behavior (I am guessing a more common customer response would be disbelief or outrage?). He said, “Thank you for your kindness about that.” I was touched that Darius was moved enough to thank me for not causing a scene. Yes, wait staff have difficult jobs, but moments of kindness when we pause and appreciate the work of others might be the moment that gets them through their shift. Think about that the next time you feel moved to complain – could you turn to a moment of understanding, compassion, and kindness – and just maybe be a shining moment in their day?
The second KindLoook moment was in the arena. Ryan and I share the same seats for every game, so we notice some consistencies during each game. In particular, a concessions beer vendor would visit our section a few times every game. He had his routine down pat. This gentleman was hard working and serious about his work [I don’t believe I could last 30 minutes carrying the container of ice-cold beers and navigating the arena stairs, crowd activity, and the inevitable a bit too drunk unkind customer]. Clearly, he was working to maximize his compensation, but it was obvious he had the process wired and handled himself well in adverse situations.
I had never talked with this beer vendor, but thinking of KindLoook when I walked by him on the concourse before the game, I stopped to talk with him. Briefly (he was selling beer, and I did not want to disrupt his livelihood), I explained my son, and I noticed him at many Capitals games, and we were impressed with how hard he worked and how he handled himself professionally. I mentioned, “I don’t drink beer,” but I wanted to thank you for your efforts and the dedication you bring to the work you are doing. I then gave him a small cash tip and noted, “Please keep up the great work you do.“
His name is Caesar, and he said, “You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you for taking the time to give me a compliment.” WOW – I am so thankful to see Caesar in the arena concourse and have the opportunity to share a moment of gratitude with him!
My twin Don and I often express our work as “changing the world, one interaction, one person, at a time.” Let’s join Daniel Burns and fellow kindness advocates in the KindLoook initiative and change the world one interaction at a time!
Moments in your life often influence and shape you beyond anything you can imagine. My blog post here is the first glimpse of the “behind the scenes” experiences that have brought my twin Don and I to where we are in life today.
Don and I brought a unique strength to “the real world” after college: a relentless desire to learn and develop ourselves to maximize our ability to contribute to our careers and life. Very few people approach each day with the consistency, tenacity, and persistence we do. When we started our careers, we did not understand how unique/different we were. However, we were often rewarded when preparation met opportunity. Approximately ten years into our careers, we realized, “hey, our penchant for preparation and perspective about continual learning are unique qualities that we own.” As we were rewarded with results, our passion grew. But then, the snowball was rolling downhill (and has never stopped)!
The Eye of the Tiger
Don and I were competitive distance runners through high school, college, and for three years beyond college. We are sure that our experiences in the arena of distance running competitions shaped and prepared us to bring a unique focus to our lives once we were working professionally. We did not understand our uniqueness but have grown to be thankful and appreciative of the gifts that distance running brought to our lives.
We did not know this, but toward the end of our competitive distance running years, we ran the marathon of our lives. The 1983 song from the Band Survivor, The Eye of the Tiger, was our rallying cry as we prepared for the May 15, 1983, Revco-Cleveland Marathon. We hope you enjoy learning about the most significant distance running day of our life. You might enjoy our four-minutes audio discussion here.
In May 1982, I ran a 2:30:55 in the Revco-Cleveland Marathon. Revco was a hometown marathon that Don and I targeted each year from 1981 through 1983. On that day in 1982, my mission to “run a sub 2:30 marathon” was born. This goal was all-consuming on a personal level, and we had the advantage of having a twin brother to train and banter with daily. At the time, of course, neither of us understood this gift that we enjoyed–being a twin living together and both dedicated to the consistent training we knew was required to be at our best.
In early 1983, a song we leaned on often was “The Eye of the Tiger.” This song pumped us up when we were less inspired and on race days. On the morning of May 15, 1983, we were up at 5:00 AM to get ready for the 8:00 AM start of the marathon in downtown Cleveland. Our day had arrived; we were both healthy and ready to race! Now, we were to focus and prepare mentally for the challenge. Upon awakening at 5:00 AM, our preparation started with a loud playing of “The Eye of the Tiger.” Finding the balance of a mindset ready to “run through a wall” with the reality that we needed to stay within ourselves and execute a flawlessly paced effort was a challenge we knew how to handle. Now was the time to make it happen!
How did the day go? Don and I ran career-best personal records in a day that ultimately were our lifetime best! I ran 2:29:48 and achieved my dream of breaking the 2 1/2-hour barrier, an improvement of 1 minute 7 seconds from my 1982 result of 2:30:55. Don finished in 2:30:34, only 46 seconds behind me. We ran together for the first 23 miles in a race we will never forget. This 2:30:34 was a tremendous improvement for Don, bettering his previous personal best of about 2:37:00. With his effort through 23 miles, I was in position and on pace to achieve my goal.
While Don and I were pacing through the miles, we recognized that “we have no margin” to slip and achieve a sub 2:30. Truthfully, our pace was perfect, and our strength in distance running was our disciplined effort. We could not have scripted a better execution. On that day, we had “the eye of the tiger!”
Inspired by Seth Godin’s blog posted on January 2, 2023, my twin Don and I are starting the “Virtually No One” community. This community is for people who personally and professionally take “the road less traveled” and, in the long run, are making a compelling difference for themselves and their world.
Virtually no one is enough. Our lives and this community are committed to believing that a small act, thinking differently, and using our talents to solve problems, one individual does make a difference. We trust this to the core as we have seen proof throughout our lives and careers that our early adopter mindset, combined with a vision of potential, has exponentially rewarded, over and over. We know our beliefs and actions are “changing the world, one interaction, one person, at a time.”
Seth’s blog notes:
“Compared to the overall population, virtually no one built Wikipedia, virtually no one voted for that senator and virtually no one starts a business. Virtually no one cares enough to help a stranger in need, and virtually no one leads the way.
And that’s okay.
Because virtually no one is enough.
“When we “see” the potential of thinking and working differently, the space is lonely and only persistence, and long-term dedication provides hope for progress (for example – consider the Slack collaboration tool introduced in 2016 – highly resisted in its early days, but now ubiquitous along with Microsoft Teams, in today’s world). The payoffs when the idea succeeds are very gratifying. To be clear, failures frequently occur, causing many to say, “I knew that wouldn’t work.” Because of the fact that failures do occur, and many folks will not move ahead (late adopters) without convincing definitive proof of success, virtually no one is willing to walk the path.
A few quotes of inspiration:
“Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.” –Howard Aiken
“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… The ones who see things differently – they’re not fond of rules. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the one thing you can’t do is ignore them, because they change things… Because the ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. Think different.”
In all our actions, we think of helping others and helping the communities in which we live and work. Commit to personal development/self-improvement and lean on your talents to help others. Do what is right in your heart, and do not strive to “fit in” with the masses. To fit in is doing our genuine selves a disservice. We all are meant to and have so much potential to significantly contribute to the world with our unique talents.
A few examples of virtually no one community members:
Don made a trip to Costco Wholesale recently and noted many stray carts in the parking lot. Case in point, virtually no one (other than an employee of Costco) will take the time to collect and return several carts to the appropriate stations and out of the vehicle’s harm’s way.
How about picking up trash in our communities? Again, welcome to the virtually no one community!
My wife Terri published a memoir of our son Ryan’s 5x cancer battles (The Focused Fight). Well, virtually no one writes a book.
Let’s get active and dedicate our talents and energy to making a positive contribution – in ways and areas where virtually no one, unfortunately, is paying attention. Join us, shine the light, and share your stories!
December 31, 2022 – Don Tomoff at Costco Warehouse – shopping carts assistanceJuly 24, 2021 – Ryan and Terri Tomoff at The Focused Fight Book Launch
In recent reading, messages from Seth Godin and Gary Vaynerchuk resonated with me and I was inspired to ask the question “how could I help by approaching challenges with the statement “this is my problem?”” What if we all cared more?
Too often in our daily lives, we encounter folks that avoid responsibility and accountability by simply stating “that is not my job” or “people are paid to do that.” How often do you hear this in your world? Worse, are you guilty of deferring or ignoring challenges / opportunities to contribute, by using these phrases?
