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Ordinary Beauty, Extraordinary Wisdom: How Slowing Down and Paying Attention Can Enrich Your Life

Summary Overview – Collaboration with Claude.AI

In this blog post, I share how the writings of Wendy Coad, Seth Godin, and Rajesh Setty have inspired me to reflect on the importance of dedicating ourselves to what matters most, being intentional about how we spend our time, and slowing down the pace of life to make room for contemplation and creativity.

I discuss how my son Ryan’s cancer diagnosis in 1996 forced me to ruthlessly prioritize my time and energy. My top priorities became self-care, family, career, and managing healthcare coverage. By staying laser-focused, I and my family persevered through the immense challenges we faced. Over the past 27 years, we have emerged stronger, dedicated to personal growth and helping others.

The wisdom shared by Coad, Godin, and Setty resonated deeply with the lessons I learned through that difficult chapter. Coad’s example of honestly assessing her priorities and eliminating overcommitments, Godin’s warning about smartphones making us hurried and distracted, and Setty’s beautiful reframing of how Parkinson’s disease forced him to slow down and notice the richness of life – all of these perspectives reinforce my conviction about living more deliberately and savoring the wonder around me.

I encourage my readers to join me on this journey. Prioritize time for self-reflection, set boundaries to protect what matters most, and consciously choose to slow down. In doing so, we open ourselves to the “ordinary” beauty of life and opportunities for growth that are always available when we create the space to see them.

Full Original Writing

This post is inspired by Wendy Coad, Seth Godin, and Rajesh Setty. Thanks to their writing, I am inspired to write about the important work we should all dedicate ourselves to, prioritizing where we allocate our time, and the value of intentional effort to slow down the pace of our lives to allow time for contemplation and creativity. Slack/buffer built into our daily lives enhances the “ordinary” beauty in our lives and allows for a calmer internal state. Our days are not packed with back-to-back urgencies that allow no room for delays or unexpected occurrences.

Life will throw adversity into our path. Adversity is part of the human condition.

On October 17, 1996, my and my family’s life was turned upside down and changed forever when my son Ryan was diagnosed with childhood cancer at two years and two months old. I realized quickly that my priorities had to be narrowed, and the final list of my few critical priorities needed to be ruthlessly adhered to. My energies had to be laser-focused, and my willingness to say “NO” would become essential. I would not apologize for protecting my priorities and did not need to explain myself to anyone. I would do my best every day… with genuine intent and based on the knowledge I possessed. My, and my family’s, survival was at stake.

Writing this in May 2024, over 27 years later, I am eternally grateful that Ryan is a survivor and my family is intact and doing well. Fate has challenged us immensely, and we are standing tall today, forever changed in unimaginable ways. My wife Terri has beautified the world with her love of quilting and designing treasured t-shirt quilt keepsakes. She has written a memoir of Ryan’s experience (The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, published in March 2021). Our daughter Olivia persevered and changed our lives through her love and commitment to soccer. She is now married to her husband Bo, and they are new parents to a beautiful baby boy, Bodie, born March 25, 2024! We believe in post-traumatic growth and are dedicated to helping others and making the world kinder and gentler.

At the time of Ryan’s diagnosis in 1996, I was scared and mentally wondered, “How do families survive this?” We were all in the biggest war of our lives. There was no instruction manual, and Ryan’s life was at stake. Terri and I dedicated ourselves to doing everything humanly possible for Ryan and Olivia, and we would attack this one day at a time. I had no thought of how I would be profoundly changed over the years. I am beyond grateful and feel I am a greater contributor to the world due to my experience. I am consumed with how to grow personally and leverage my growth to be more valuable for helping others.

My highest priorities identified in 1996 were sharpened by the urgency of moving forward through Ryan’s medical treatments and the stress our family endured as a result. The nonnegotiable priorities that I determined required my complete attention were:

  • Self-care: Focus on health and personal development. I needed to do my best to be my best for my family and my career and to be of value to others.
  • Family: My role as spouse, father, and caregiver. My family is the world to me.
  • Career: Bringing the best I could to my professional responsibilities. Continual development and finding ways to work more effectively were imperative. My twin brother Don was my “right hand” in helping me think differently and holding me accountable to make progress. I endured high stress about my ability to support the family financially and provide healthcare coverage to cover the financial exposure of Ryan’s medical care requirements.
  • Monitoring Healthcare Coverage: This aspect felt like a full-time job besides my other priorities. Likely, my love of personal finance was cemented through the stress of continual concern about healthcare coverage and the risk of bankruptcy.

Living my life with the clarity of my priorities allowed me to be relentless in setting boundaries of where I would permit my time to be allocated. As Mr. Pollin once encouraged me, “Bill, you need to keep your eye on the ball, and that ball will change…” My emphasis on the differing priorities has fluxed; thankfully, the core structure has provided a framework that enhanced my quality of life. I determined what was important in my life, and while bending (dancing) within the framework, I have stayed true to my core matters of importance.

During the years since Ryan’s diagnosis, I have embraced the times when greater freedom existed in my schedule. My priorities have often maxed out my capacity, and when an opportunity for a break would occur, I was diligent about taking time to relax. I refused to move on frantically to another activity. Protecting my time and sanity was a component of self-care that was extremely important to me.

Slowing down became a mission for me. I strive for my daily pace to be more deliberate and relaxed with reduced commitments to build a buffer in my day. When I can live this way, my ability to be my best self and help others is optimized.

Recent readings that inspired me were:

Wendy Coad, in a post from my community of practice (Purple.Space), shared about her evolving priorities and the activities she has chosen to eliminate from her schedule. It was refreshing to see Wendy’s honesty with herself, recognizing she cannot do everything. Too often, we think, “I can handle this,” and add a new obligation to our list of priorities. We make the mistake of over-committing and become overwhelmed with our to-dos. The willingness to pick the highest priorities and eliminate everything else is a massive strength for anyone to possess. The impact of Ryan’s diagnosis forced me to be brutally honest with myself, and I pared down my priorities practically overnight. The core list has been my guide since that day. Giving my best for my family was my guiding north star.

Seth Godin‘s blog On One Foot, discusses how “Smart phones can hobble us.” We hurry through our lives handling things on a small phone screen in short bursts. He says, “There could be a direct correlation between smartphone usage and underinformed mass behavior.” Seth even suggests that “opening up a laptop might count as slowing down a bit.” Slow down.

Rajesh Setty‘s LinkedIn post, encourages “Slowing down to witness wonder.” Rajesh is an inspiring, caring, and generous person I have met through social media. I look forward to the wisdom he consistently shares and encourage everyone to follow him on social media! In his post, he shares that his diagnosis of Parkinson’s forced him to slow down and ultimately develop his reframe: “Slowing down allowed me to observe more than most people who are too busy to notice.” I am sharing Rajesh’s full post below and encourage pausing and asking yourself, “How can I be more intentional about slowing down?”

“Slowing down to witness wonder

We live in a fast-paced world where everyone seems too busy to notice the richness around them. By “world around us/them,” I mean nature, people, and conversations happening right in front of us, not just online.

When you pay close attention, you’ll witness wonder. The world around you speaks and whispers in vivid colors, both through nature and people.

I noticed this because of a health situation, Parkinson’s, which forced me to slow down.

Over time, instead of complaining about slowing down, I began to appreciate the world’s richness. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, not by choice but by design. Slowing down allowed me to observe more than most people who are too busy to notice.

This higher fidelity observation was a gift that came with Parkinson’s. It sparked more ideas for me than ever before. That’s why I reframed Parkinson’s to (S)Parkinson’s.

Although I discovered this because of (S)Parkinson’s, you can choose to slow down and witness the wonder in the world around you without going through something like that. In fact, I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone. But by choosing to slow down, you can truly appreciate the beauty around you.

PS: If you are curious to know more about my ongoing adventure with (S)Parkinson’s, here is more in my book UNSHAKEN (published by INKtalks).”

Rajesh notes that we all can choose to slow down and witness wonder in our world without going through a life-threatening experience. Please take his encouragement to heart, prioritize time to be with yourself, and contemplate actionable steps to move you towards a slower lifestyle. Join me on this life-enhancing journey!

December 2019 – Tomoff Family Vacation in Maui, Hawaii
July 2021 – The Focused Fight – Cleveland Reception
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The Ripple Effect of Post-Traumatic Growth: How ‘Doing Our Best’ Transcended Personal Triumph

“Have you done your best?“

A theme that has been a central aspect and one I have held close throughout my life is my goal to always answer this question with “Yes, I did my best.” In my teen years, my efforts focused on distance running. However, I became much more intentional with my self-encouragement and introspection in 1977 when I started attending Ohio University and took on the challenge of obtaining a business degree in accounting.

On October 17, 1996, my and my family’s life was forever changed by the challenge of my son Ryan’s childhood cancer diagnosis. Every day, my wife Terri, me, then four-year-old daughter Olivia, and two-year-old Ryan started surviving by bringing “our best” to the day and the often unimaginable stresses that were now a part of our everyday lives. An acute sense of gratitude for life and the joys of ordinary moments quickly took hold in our perspectives. I wish our gift of perspective were one that everyone could genuinely appreciate. Yet, I wish for others to reach this perspective without traveling the road Ryan and our family have traveled for the past 27+ years.

Post-Traumatic Growth

In chapter 33 of Terri’s memoir The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles, she discusses her discovery of Post-Traumatic Growth while we were traveling in 2015. Thanks to Oprah Magazine and journalist Ginny Graves, Terri’s discovery of this topic crystallized many emotions we felt through Ryan’s challenges. Without realizing the impact (our focus was saving Ryan’s life and providing as much normalcy as possible for Olivia), our lives profoundly changed by embracing our mission to help others affected by childhood cancer and to pay forward the care and kindness that has been showered upon us since that life-changing day in 1996. In introducing the section in her book, Terri shared this quote that has rung true for us:

“Something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart: a humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor.”

—Marianne Williamson

Collaborating with ChatGPT, I summarized the chapter with a 500-word recap and then generated an insightful bullet-point highlight list of ways post-traumatic growth has enhanced our lives. I shared these two results below. A BONUS – the full text of chapter 33 from Terri’s memoir is provided here.

Chapter 33 Summary | Collaboration with ChatGPT

Chapter 33 of Terri Tomoff’s book “The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles” is titled “Post-Traumatic Growth.” The chapter opens with a note from Tomoff’s son, Ryan, reflecting on his experiences with PTSD following his battle with cancer. This note provides insight into the challenges he faced, such as constant fear of cancer recurrence, the constant medical environment, and coping mechanisms like video games.

Tomoff connects Ryan’s struggles with the concept of post-traumatic growth (PTG), an idea suggesting that individuals can experience positive transformation following trauma. This concept is hard for some to comprehend, and not everyone can rally around it, but it represents an alternative to the narrative of unending suffering.

Tomoff then recounts her family’s various contributions to their community following Ryan’s diagnosis, including running marathons to raise money, starting a Postcard Project, and taking meals to the hospital floor where Ryan was treated. She shares that these activities, aimed at helping others, could be considered PTG as they transformed their family’s trauma into a positive force that benefited their community.

The term PTG was coined by Richard Tedeschi, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, who asserted that trauma survivors could undergo profound changes that extend beyond mere resilience. Jack Tsai from Yale School of Medicine adds that the healthcare system emphasizes identifying dysfunctions rather than superior functioning. This trend is now shifting towards promoting overall well-being.

Tomoff elaborates on her family’s extensive volunteer work, including lobbying for childhood cancer funding, founding advisory boards, and volunteering at various organizations and events. These activities provided a sense of purpose, helped others facing similar challenges, and, in return, aided their healing process.

Tomoff explains that despite the pain associated with a childhood cancer diagnosis, the shared experience has created a strong sense of community and camaraderie. This has led to emotional sharing sessions that have deeply moved the families involved and the staff at the facilities they work with.

Finally, the chapter highlights the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild of Bowie, Maryland, which Tomoff is a part of. The group has made over 2000 quilts for newly diagnosed children at Georgetown University Hospital and has extended its mission internationally. Tomoff and her family’s endeavors reflect the essence of PTG, transforming a traumatic experience into meaningful contributions to society, leading to their emotional growth.

Post-Traumatic Growth: Our Enhanced Family Approach to Life | Collaboration with ChatGPT

From Chapter 33 of Terri Tomoff’s memoir, it’s clear that the family’s experience with their son Ryan’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent trauma transformed their approach to life, fostering a deep commitment to aiding others and giving back to society. This transformation reflects their experience with post-traumatic growth (PTG). Here are some key ways in which PTG enhanced their life:

  1. Embracing Purpose Through Helping Others: They found purpose and solace in assisting others undergoing similar trials. This included running marathons to raise funds, launching “The Postcard Project”, delivering meals to the hospital, and volunteering at multiple organizations. They found a form of healing by turning their trauma into meaningful activities.
  2. Creating Advocacy Initiatives: Their personal experience led them to advocate for more funding for childhood cancer research. Tomoff mentions lobbying on Capitol Hill with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society as a part of this initiative.
  3. Building Community: They co-founded the Parent Advisory Board and involved themselves in other groups supporting families dealing with cancer. This fostered a strong sense of community, which provided emotional support and a platform for shared experiences.
  4. Promoting Well-Being and Positive Transformation: Their work with others emphasized the promotion of well-being, aligning with the concept of PTG. They believed that surviving adversity could be used as a catalyst for profound personal change and betterment.
  5. Empathy and Understanding: Their own experience with trauma allowed them to deeply empathize with other families going through similar experiences, making them effective in their efforts to help others.
  6. Legacy and Long-Term Commitment: The family has pledged a lifelong commitment to giving back to society, acknowledging that they “will never live long enough to give back to the universe.” This dedication is evident in their ongoing efforts, such as Terri Tomoff’s work with the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild, which has created over 2,000 quilts for children newly diagnosed with cancer.
  7. Family Involvement: The family turned their struggle into a collective mission, involving every family member in various ways. This not only helped in dealing with their trauma but also fostered a sense of unity and shared purpose within the family.

In summary, the concept of post-traumatic growth profoundly affected the Tomoff family, driving their extensive efforts to help others, advocate for change, and create a legacy of kindness and resilience in the face of adversity. This has fundamentally transformed their approach to life, making them deeply committed to serving their community.

Thanks to the interpretation and insights offered by ChatGPT, the results beautifully articulate the essence of Terri’s heartfelt writing about post-traumatic growth and the impact our family has felt throughout the years of Ryan’s treatments. We can all show up and do our best one day at a time. Doing your best is what YOU must hold yourself accountable for – this is a personal matter and not subject to the judgment of others. Do your best, keep moving, and hold your head high.

November 4, 2004 – PBMT Donor Meetup – Olivia, Bill, Terri, and Ryan Tomoff
October 1996 – Ryan and Bill Tomoff at Georgetown Hospital
October 1996 – Ryan and Bill Tomoff at Georgetown Hospital – Dad heading home
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Living with Intention: My Path to Post-Traumatic Growth and Encouraging Everyday Kindness

ChatGPT Summary

In this blog post, I share my reflections and insights shaped by a journey marked with resilience and gratitude, deeply influenced by my son Ryan’s courageous battles against cancer. Drawing wisdom from Terri Tomoff’s “The Focused Fight,” I explore how these profound experiences have enriched my perspective, fostering a commitment to spread kindness and positivity.

As I approach my 65th birthday, my heart is brimming with gratitude. I’m dedicated to living a life filled with impact, kindness, and helpfulness, embracing the concept of post-traumatic growth. I’m inspired by Adam Grant’s “five-minute favors” from his book “Give and Take,” believing in the cumulative power of small, intentional acts of kindness.

My life philosophy is encapsulated in three core themes. Firstly, through “The Focused Fight,” I aim to encourage others with a message of gentleness and understanding. Secondly, our Tomoff family mission focuses on helping one person, one family, at a time. Finally, along with my twin Don and our #TwinzTalk initiative, we endeavor to change the world one interaction at a time. These principles guide my daily interactions, where I strive to be an encouraging and enthusiastic presence.

Supporting this message, I reference a post from Instagram’s imagine_values and a “Five-Minute Favors” video on YouTube. Additionally, musician Nick Cave’s words resonate deeply with me, highlighting the significance of everyday gestures in creating ripples of change. Cave eloquently speaks to the profound impact of our smallest actions and their meaningful consequences.

In conclusion, I extend a heartfelt invitation to join me in embracing micro-moments of kindness and a gentler approach towards ourselves and others. Every action, no matter how small, matters significantly. Through these seemingly insignificant acts, we can all contribute to lifting the spirits of others, thus shaping a kinder, more compassionate world.

Full Reflection

My perspective and efforts in life strive to lead with a grateful heart as I go through my days. When I am gentle and kind to myself, I am inspired to bring that same presence to the world and those I interact with. I could credit many life events for their role in shaping me into who I am today. Yet, the dramatic life-threatening and life-altering event of my son Ryan’s five-time battles with cancer and the lens through which I experience life have profoundly changed me. Terri Tomoff’s memoir, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, shares Ryan and our family’s journey since his original diagnosis in 1996.

As I approach my 65th birthday (!), my heart is filled with gratitude for the growth I have experienced in my life, and I am dedicated with my heart and soul to being an impactful, kind, caring, and helpful person for the rest of my life. The concept of post-traumatic growth is one that Terri and I embrace fully, and we strive to be intentional in our efforts to pay it forward for the unimaginable care and kindness that has been shared with our family over the years.

Recognizing that TIME is my most precious asset, I have dedicated efforts focused on micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors (encouraged by Adam Grant in his book Give and Take). Opportunities abound to make a difference in our world, and my approach to seemingly small, insignificant, yet genuine acts of kindness WILL make a compounding difference in my world. How do I “know?” I believe, and I KNOW – I do not need affirmation. I promise – live your life to bring good to the world – and you will notice the impact on you and your world!

A few themes I believe and strive for as part of my values are:

My theme – encouragement with signed copies of The Focused Fight:

“Be gentle. Be kind – you never know what someone is going through.”

Our Tomoff family mission of The Focused Fight book:

“Helping others, one person, one family, at a time.”

Bill and Don Tomoff’s mission of #TwinzTalk and our professional work:

“Changing the world, one interaction, one person, at a time.”

My preferred contributions for making an impact in my corner of the world are to focus on micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors. How I conduct myself daily is critically important, and I strive to be an encouraging and enthusiastic presence as I go through my activities and interactions. Our actions matter – a lot. An inspiration from imagine_values on Instagram is a fantastic reminder for my approach to bringing value to my life and world: “Think big and act small.“

A beautiful discussion of “Five-Minute Favors” is shared in this short 4-minute and 41-second YouTube video from Good Morning America.

And, to close, James Clear’s 3-2-1 weekly newsletter from Thursday, November 23, 2023, shared a beautiful excerpt from musician Nick Cave:

Musician Nick Cave on the power of small actions:

“The everyday human gesture is always a heartbeat away from the miraculous.

Remember that ultimately, we make things happen through our actions, way beyond our understanding or intention; that our seemingly small ordinary human acts have untold consequences; that what we do in this world means something; that we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything.

Our deeds, no matter how insignificant they may feel, are replete with meaning and of vast consequence, and they constantly impact upon the unfolding story of the world, whether we know it or not.”

Source: ​The Red Hand Files, Issue #216​ (lightly edited for clarity)

Portions of the unedited post at the link provided above resonated with me:

“Perhaps the song attempts to present the idea that the everyday human gesture is always a heartbeat away from the miraculous – that ultimately we make things happen through our actions, way beyond our understanding or intention; that our seemingly small ordinary human acts have untold consequences; that what we do in this world means something; that we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything. Night Raid tells us that our deeds, no matter how insignificant they may feel, are replete with meaning, and of vast consequence, and that they constantly impact upon the unfolding story of the world, whether we know it or not.”

“… All action provokes change. Nothing is ineffectual. Nothing.

Francis, rather than feel impotent and useless, you must come to terms with the fact that as a human being you are infinitely powerful, and take responsibility for this tremendous power. Even our smallest actions have potential for great change, positively or negatively, and the way in which we all conduct ourselves within the world means something. You are anything but impotent, you are, in fact, exquisitely and frighteningly dynamic, as are we all, and with all respect you have an obligation to stand up and take responsibility for that potential. It is your most ordinary and urgent duty.”

My hope is anyone who reads my post here will embrace the magic of micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors. As Nick Cave encourages, EVERY action matters. We all can prioritize time to contribute and lift the spirits of others through seemingly insignificant actions. 

May we all adopt a kinder and gentler approach to ourselves and our interactions with others? Join me in this movement.

PS – if you need to move in front of me in a long traffic line, I’ve got you covered!

April 2023 - Bill and Ryan Tomoff
The Tomoff Family - Terri, Olivia, Ryan, and Bill