Posted on

Ordinary Beauty, Extraordinary Wisdom: How Slowing Down and Paying Attention Can Enrich Your Life

Summary Overview – Collaboration with Claude.AI

In this blog post, I share how the writings of Wendy Coad, Seth Godin, and Rajesh Setty have inspired me to reflect on the importance of dedicating ourselves to what matters most, being intentional about how we spend our time, and slowing down the pace of life to make room for contemplation and creativity.

I discuss how my son Ryan’s cancer diagnosis in 1996 forced me to ruthlessly prioritize my time and energy. My top priorities became self-care, family, career, and managing healthcare coverage. By staying laser-focused, I and my family persevered through the immense challenges we faced. Over the past 27 years, we have emerged stronger, dedicated to personal growth and helping others.

The wisdom shared by Coad, Godin, and Setty resonated deeply with the lessons I learned through that difficult chapter. Coad’s example of honestly assessing her priorities and eliminating overcommitments, Godin’s warning about smartphones making us hurried and distracted, and Setty’s beautiful reframing of how Parkinson’s disease forced him to slow down and notice the richness of life – all of these perspectives reinforce my conviction about living more deliberately and savoring the wonder around me.

I encourage my readers to join me on this journey. Prioritize time for self-reflection, set boundaries to protect what matters most, and consciously choose to slow down. In doing so, we open ourselves to the “ordinary” beauty of life and opportunities for growth that are always available when we create the space to see them.

Full Original Writing

This post is inspired by Wendy Coad, Seth Godin, and Rajesh Setty. Thanks to their writing, I am inspired to write about the important work we should all dedicate ourselves to, prioritizing where we allocate our time, and the value of intentional effort to slow down the pace of our lives to allow time for contemplation and creativity. Slack/buffer built into our daily lives enhances the “ordinary” beauty in our lives and allows for a calmer internal state. Our days are not packed with back-to-back urgencies that allow no room for delays or unexpected occurrences.

Life will throw adversity into our path. Adversity is part of the human condition.

On October 17, 1996, my and my family’s life was turned upside down and changed forever when my son Ryan was diagnosed with childhood cancer at two years and two months old. I realized quickly that my priorities had to be narrowed, and the final list of my few critical priorities needed to be ruthlessly adhered to. My energies had to be laser-focused, and my willingness to say “NO” would become essential. I would not apologize for protecting my priorities and did not need to explain myself to anyone. I would do my best every day… with genuine intent and based on the knowledge I possessed. My, and my family’s, survival was at stake.

Writing this in May 2024, over 27 years later, I am eternally grateful that Ryan is a survivor and my family is intact and doing well. Fate has challenged us immensely, and we are standing tall today, forever changed in unimaginable ways. My wife Terri has beautified the world with her love of quilting and designing treasured t-shirt quilt keepsakes. She has written a memoir of Ryan’s experience (The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, published in March 2021). Our daughter Olivia persevered and changed our lives through her love and commitment to soccer. She is now married to her husband Bo, and they are new parents to a beautiful baby boy, Bodie, born March 25, 2024! We believe in post-traumatic growth and are dedicated to helping others and making the world kinder and gentler.

At the time of Ryan’s diagnosis in 1996, I was scared and mentally wondered, “How do families survive this?” We were all in the biggest war of our lives. There was no instruction manual, and Ryan’s life was at stake. Terri and I dedicated ourselves to doing everything humanly possible for Ryan and Olivia, and we would attack this one day at a time. I had no thought of how I would be profoundly changed over the years. I am beyond grateful and feel I am a greater contributor to the world due to my experience. I am consumed with how to grow personally and leverage my growth to be more valuable for helping others.

My highest priorities identified in 1996 were sharpened by the urgency of moving forward through Ryan’s medical treatments and the stress our family endured as a result. The nonnegotiable priorities that I determined required my complete attention were:

  • Self-care: Focus on health and personal development. I needed to do my best to be my best for my family and my career and to be of value to others.
  • Family: My role as spouse, father, and caregiver. My family is the world to me.
  • Career: Bringing the best I could to my professional responsibilities. Continual development and finding ways to work more effectively were imperative. My twin brother Don was my “right hand” in helping me think differently and holding me accountable to make progress. I endured high stress about my ability to support the family financially and provide healthcare coverage to cover the financial exposure of Ryan’s medical care requirements.
  • Monitoring Healthcare Coverage: This aspect felt like a full-time job besides my other priorities. Likely, my love of personal finance was cemented through the stress of continual concern about healthcare coverage and the risk of bankruptcy.

Living my life with the clarity of my priorities allowed me to be relentless in setting boundaries of where I would permit my time to be allocated. As Mr. Pollin once encouraged me, “Bill, you need to keep your eye on the ball, and that ball will change…” My emphasis on the differing priorities has fluxed; thankfully, the core structure has provided a framework that enhanced my quality of life. I determined what was important in my life, and while bending (dancing) within the framework, I have stayed true to my core matters of importance.

During the years since Ryan’s diagnosis, I have embraced the times when greater freedom existed in my schedule. My priorities have often maxed out my capacity, and when an opportunity for a break would occur, I was diligent about taking time to relax. I refused to move on frantically to another activity. Protecting my time and sanity was a component of self-care that was extremely important to me.

Slowing down became a mission for me. I strive for my daily pace to be more deliberate and relaxed with reduced commitments to build a buffer in my day. When I can live this way, my ability to be my best self and help others is optimized.

Recent readings that inspired me were:

Wendy Coad, in a post from my community of practice (Purple.Space), shared about her evolving priorities and the activities she has chosen to eliminate from her schedule. It was refreshing to see Wendy’s honesty with herself, recognizing she cannot do everything. Too often, we think, “I can handle this,” and add a new obligation to our list of priorities. We make the mistake of over-committing and become overwhelmed with our to-dos. The willingness to pick the highest priorities and eliminate everything else is a massive strength for anyone to possess. The impact of Ryan’s diagnosis forced me to be brutally honest with myself, and I pared down my priorities practically overnight. The core list has been my guide since that day. Giving my best for my family was my guiding north star.

Seth Godin‘s blog On One Foot, discusses how “Smart phones can hobble us.” We hurry through our lives handling things on a small phone screen in short bursts. He says, “There could be a direct correlation between smartphone usage and underinformed mass behavior.” Seth even suggests that “opening up a laptop might count as slowing down a bit.” Slow down.

Rajesh Setty‘s LinkedIn post, encourages “Slowing down to witness wonder.” Rajesh is an inspiring, caring, and generous person I have met through social media. I look forward to the wisdom he consistently shares and encourage everyone to follow him on social media! In his post, he shares that his diagnosis of Parkinson’s forced him to slow down and ultimately develop his reframe: “Slowing down allowed me to observe more than most people who are too busy to notice.” I am sharing Rajesh’s full post below and encourage pausing and asking yourself, “How can I be more intentional about slowing down?”

“Slowing down to witness wonder

We live in a fast-paced world where everyone seems too busy to notice the richness around them. By “world around us/them,” I mean nature, people, and conversations happening right in front of us, not just online.

When you pay close attention, you’ll witness wonder. The world around you speaks and whispers in vivid colors, both through nature and people.

I noticed this because of a health situation, Parkinson’s, which forced me to slow down.

Over time, instead of complaining about slowing down, I began to appreciate the world’s richness. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, not by choice but by design. Slowing down allowed me to observe more than most people who are too busy to notice.

This higher fidelity observation was a gift that came with Parkinson’s. It sparked more ideas for me than ever before. That’s why I reframed Parkinson’s to (S)Parkinson’s.

Although I discovered this because of (S)Parkinson’s, you can choose to slow down and witness the wonder in the world around you without going through something like that. In fact, I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone. But by choosing to slow down, you can truly appreciate the beauty around you.

PS: If you are curious to know more about my ongoing adventure with (S)Parkinson’s, here is more in my book UNSHAKEN (published by INKtalks).”

Rajesh notes that we all can choose to slow down and witness wonder in our world without going through a life-threatening experience. Please take his encouragement to heart, prioritize time to be with yourself, and contemplate actionable steps to move you towards a slower lifestyle. Join me on this life-enhancing journey!

December 2019 – Tomoff Family Vacation in Maui, Hawaii
July 2021 – The Focused Fight – Cleveland Reception
Posted on

The Gentle Way Forward: Nurturing Ease and Inner Peace in a Chaotic World

Summary Overview – Collaboration with Claude.AI

In my life, I strive to treat everyone with gentleness and kindness, as I believe we never truly know the struggles others face. This mindset has been deeply shaped by my family’s experience with my son Ryan’s childhood cancer journey, during which we were uplifted by the compassion and kindness of those around us. I am committed to honoring their love and support by bringing my best self forward daily to make a positive difference in the world.

Recently, I discovered Elisabet Lahti’s book “Gentle Power,” which resonates deeply with my belief in the underappreciated strength of gentleness. The book highlights the Finnish concept of “sisu,” which combines determination and inner fortitude with wisdom and heart. Lahti challenges the notion that gentleness is a weakness, presenting it as a powerful tool for leadership, empowerment, and personal growth.

As I read the book, I was struck by the transformative potential of embracing gentleness in all aspects of life. By responding with kindness and understanding, we can inspire others to do the same, creating a ripple effect of positivity. While gentleness may not always be the easiest path, I am convinced that it is the most rewarding one in the long run. I am excited to continue exploring the concept of gentle power and to incorporate its teachings into my daily life as I work to create a more compassionate and nurturing world around me.

Full Original Writing

“Be gentle. Be kind – you never know what someone is going through.”

Bill Tomoff, signing The Focused Fight

The quote above is one I use when autographing Terri Tomoff’s memoir, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, which is my guiding inspiration as I go through my daily life. A casual observer in my life has no idea what I and my family have endured through the years since my son Ryan’s childhood cancer diagnosis in 1996. I firmly believe everyone we encounter has a “story” and challenges we know nothing about. Embracing this mindset, I strive to extend gentleness and kindness in my countless daily interactions and pray that maybe I make a small difference that may lift the spirits of a fellow human being.

Thanks to a recent book discussion on Zoom with Emma Seppala about her book Sovereign, moderated by Emilia Elisabet Lahti, PhD, I discovered another inspiring book written by Elisabet, titled Gentle Power: A Revolution in How We Think, Lead, and Succeed Using the Finnish Art of Sisu.

“Sisu is a Finnish word for determination and inner fortitude in the face of extreme adversity. Gentle power is to apply sisu with wisdom and heart.”

–Elisabet Lahti, PhD, website

After I had completed Emma Seppala’s book, I was excited to follow her recommendation and start Elisabet’s book! As I write this, I am about one-third of the way through, yet I have noted that the content resonates deeply with my intention to live my days through gentleness and kindness. My dedication has been shaped by our family’s experience with family, friends, and strangers, who have selflessly brought compassion, gentleness, and kindness to our family during the difficult (seemingly impossible) days of Ryan’s cancer treatments. I am living my days in honor of those who have been at our side with unconditional love and concern – developing and bringing my best self forward to make a difference through how I present myself to the world.

Deep within my soul, I believe that gentleness and kindness are strengths vastly underappreciated. I am inspired to see the supporting research that Elisabet shares in her book! I will gladly take “the road less traveled.” Through my actions, I will encourage others and create a ripple of positivity in my world.

Below, I share a few excerpts from the book that resonate with me. I feel like the best is yet to come.

“What would you have? Your gentleness shall force more than your force move us to gentleness.”

-Shakespeare
Shakespeare quote gentleness vs force

Collaborating with ChatGPT, here is a further explanation of the quote’s meaning [Bold emphasis is mine]:

“This quote from William Shakespeare speaks to the power of gentleness over force in influencing others’ behavior. The suggestion is that gentleness and a soft approach can compel others to respond with the same kindness and softness, perhaps even more effectively than using force or aggression.

The underlying idea is that our emotions and behaviors can often inspire similar responses in those around us. One might inspire others to adopt a similar demeanor by choosing gentleness, creating a more harmonious interaction. This reflects a psychological concept known as “emotional contagion,” where people tend to “catch” the emotions of others around them. Thus, gentleness begets gentleness, proving itself a more potent tool for shaping the attitudes and actions of others than harshness or coercion.“

I am not naively suggesting that gentleness and kindness will always “win the moment.” Yet, coming from a genuine place of gentleness and kindness improves the possibility of preventing a contentious or challenging moment from escalating. It can improve the likelihood of a favorable resolution. In the long run, a lifestyle that strives to live with gentleness and kindness WILL be rewarding personally and for all involved. Using force may win the moment but most certainly degrades long-term relationships and effectiveness. If “winning” requires force, this is not how I want to live my life.

Further, regarding gentleness, Elisabet shares in her book about “Mistaking Gentleness for Weakness:”

“Most of us have been told a terrible lie our whole lives that anything soft, gentle, and supple (and feminine) is somehow inherently weak, unreliable, or of lesser value. This lie has caused untold suffering and has led to innumerable harmful decisions in politics and private organizations. For far too long, our culture has been overly infatuated with winning, competing, and making a profit, while gentleness and cooperation has been labeled inferior or fragile.

French philosopher André Comte-Sponville says that gentleness is “courage without violence, strength without harshness, love without anger” and also that “gentleness is gentleness only as long it owes nothing to fear.” 3 Our inability to assert boundaries, our struggles to lead people, and our reluctance to express opinions because we fear rejection is not gentleness but meekness. Gentleness is not about being passive or always accommodating others. Gentleness is a way of moving forward with a kind of dynamic grace. It’s about knowing when to push and when to pull back. It’s about succeeding not through force, but through empowerment.

Far too many of us have been dealing with an out-of-whack nervous system for years. We’ve been hardwired to overreact, overextend, and overwork. Adopting the gentle power style of encountering the world and moving through it isn’t so much about learning something new, but about unlearning these unhealthy ways of living. Gentle power is about finding accomplishment through nurturing a spirit of ease toward ourselves and others instead of achievement (no matter how glorious in the moment) and striving at the long-term cost of inner peace.

Comte-Sponville further describes gentleness as “a kind of peace, either real or desired . . . it can be pierced by anguish and suffering or brightened by joy and gratitude, but it is always devoid of hatred, harshness, and insensitivity.” Imagine if our experiences in leadership, social activism, politics, and families were devoid of harshness, force, and insensitivity. Imagine a relationship with yourself that’s completely free from judgment and blame. Socially, we’re told that this sort of treatment toward ourselves and others is soft and weak when it’s actually empowering, constructive, and energizing.”

Let’s ask ourselves daily, how can I present myself more gently and kindly to the world? I am excited to read more about Elisabet’s work on Gentle Power, inspired by hope and inspiration after reading the first one-third of the book!

Posted on

What You Do Matters: Embracing the Power of Individual Impact

When reading About The Author at the end of Emma Seppala’s book Sovereign, I noted:

“A psychologist and research scientist by training, Seppälä’s expertise is the science of happiness, emotional intelligence, and social connection. Her research has been published in top academic journals and featured in news outlets including The New York Times, NPR, and CBS News and featured in documentaries like Free the Mind, The Altruism Revolution, What You Do Matters [Bill T emphasis], and Bullied. www.emmaseppala.com and www.iamsov.com”

The documentary title, What You Do Matters, caught my attention. What we think and what we do are important. Think and do good. Be kind. Our actions and the presence we bring to the world matter.

In my approach to my career and my family, I have long embraced the core belief that what I do matters. Every action matters. Two quotes that guide me:

When Terri wrote her memoir, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, her inspiration and goal for our family was stated:

“Helping one person, one family, at a time.”

The personal development and professional work I do with my twin Don (follow hashtag #TwinzTalk on LinkedIn!) is stated:

“Changing the world, one interaction, one person, at a time.”

I am not looking to impact the masses. Still, I am dedicated to making the most of individual IRL, virtual, and social media interactions, and bringing a presence to the world that may influence and reach folks I likely will never know about. The truth is we often don’t know the reach and impact that kindness and generosity toward helping others will have. I genuinely intend to help my world through micro-moments of living my life through caring and doing the “right thing.“

A favorite Daily Stoic blog post I share often is “You Do Not Need This.” Note:

“You want it, don’t you?

That “I told you so.” That “Thank You.” That recognition for being first, or being better, or being different. You want credit. You want gratitude. You want the acknowledgment for the good you’ve done, for the weight that you carry.

What you want is what Marcus Aurelius has called “the third thing,” because you’re not content enough with the doing. “When you’ve done well and another has benefited by it,” he writes, “why like a fool do you look for a third thing on top—credit for the good deed or a favor in return?””

“You don’t need a favor back. You don’t need to be repaid. You don’t need to be acknowledged. You don’t need the third thing. That’s not why you do what you do. You’re good because it’s good to be good, and that’s all you need.”

Too often, it is natural to wonder, “Am I making a difference?” I have let go of the need to have affirmation of my actions. I choose instead to KNOW that What I Do Matters. Thus, the video referenced in the book resonated with me. I have provided the link below and encourage everyone to prioritize the hour of time to watch the documentary. Inspiration guaranteed! I hope you will feel compelled to embrace approaching the world and others with a kinder and gentler presence. You will influence others, and over time, you will be profoundly changed for the better!

Emma Seppala emphasizes throughout her book the importance of awareness of our thoughts and the impact that can have in keeping us from reaching sovereignty. The good news is that we can take control of our minds, prioritize our self-care, and bring our best selves to others and the world daily. Our thoughts build our actions and what we do. Consider, and hold close, this quote from Lao Tzu:

“Watch your thoughts; they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

The Chicago Community Trust Documentary | What You Do Matters
Credit: The Chicago Community Trust Documentary | What You Do Matters
Posted on

A Foreword of Compassion: Dr. Aziza Shad’s Message in Terri Tomoff’s Memoir “The Focused Fight”

In 2016, Terri Tomoff started on her mission to write her memoir of our son Ryan’s battles with childhood cancer. Her determination to write a book that might help and inspire others was a gift of love for Ryan and our family. Yet, the process of writing a book of this magnitude was beyond comprehension, and the effort of “butt in the chair,” as Terri often mentioned, was a difficult initiative to sustain. When Ryan was diagnosed with tongue cancer in 2016 and 2017, a result of his years of radiation and chemotherapy for his three battles with childhood cancer from 1996 through 2005, Dr. Aziza Shad emphatically encouraged Terri, stating, “You must write your book now!“

From 2016 to 2020, Terri wrote sections of the book and contemplated the structure she hoped would guide her process. After the COVID pandemic shut the world down in March 2020, Terri and I would soon make a joint decision that, reflecting back, changed our lives dramatically. Starting on June 8, 2020, we joined a community of practice called Writing In Community (WIC), led by Kristin Hatcher and Seth Godin. This community became the encouragement and support for Terri to lean into completing her memoir. I assisted with recollecting the timeline of the events, read her work, listened to her read her work, and located pictures to ensure memories were accurate. The process was arduous, and her tenacity (often 8 to 10 hours a day) toward her mission was a feat I still marvel at today in 2024. While she wrote Ryan’s memoir, I participated in WIC alongside her and wrote my own personal memoir. We shared in the community platform and grew to love the daily commitment to writing and learning. Almost four years later, as I write this on April 1, 2024, we consider daily writing and reflecting a treasure. We are forever changed through our writing and collaboration with a community of kind, caring, and generous people who desire to lift each other up. A life-changing and enhancing experience set in motion by the pandemic lockdown.

Dr. Shad was Ryan and our family’s guiding force through the years. An entire book could be written about the care and compassion she delivered because she feels so deeply for those children and families under her care. She kept Ryan, our daughter Olivia, Terri, and me standing through the years with her steady, kind, and determined mindset to leave no stone unturned in delivering the best plan of treatment and care humanly possible. When Terri asked if she would write a foreword for the book, she graciously and excitedly said, “YES!” She knew Ryan and was thrilled to participate in Terri’s initiative of helping others through Ryan and our family’s story.

Below is an excerpt of Dr. Shad’s complete foreword. The full book, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey from Mayhem to Miracles, is available on Kindle digital or paperback at Amazon.

Foreword

By Aziza Shad, MD

When Terri first asked me to write the forward for her long-overdue book, The Focused Fight, something I had been encouraging her to do for a while, I was both humbled and honored. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by a flood of memories of my relationship with the Tomoff family and specifically Ryan, over the years—a relationship that began in 1996 and has only strengthened over more than two decades. The only difference is that in 1996, I was a young assistant professor in the Division of Pediatric Hematology Oncology at Georgetown University Medical Center in D.C. (now Medstar Georgetown University Hospital). I was actively involved in his day-to-day treatment from diagnosis of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, his two relapses,

and getting him to a matched unrelated donor (MUD) bone marrow transplant and beyond. Today I am Chair of Pediatrics and Chief of Pediatric Hematology Oncology at the Children’s Hospital at Sinai in Baltimore, Maryland, where I follow a wonderful, accomplished 26-year-old young man in the Amey Cancer Survivorship Program.

Every year, multiple books are published on patient and family experiences with life-threatening illnesses, especially cancer, but Terri’s memoir is different. It is a vivid recollection of a journey the Tomoff family had to make without their prior consent. They had to learn to navigate their way through frightening times and trying circumstances over and over again through the years, going from one crisis to the other, and yet stay intact for Ryan and as a family. Being in the practice of Pediatric Hematology Oncology for over 30 years, I have seen families break up, divorce,

siblings drop out of school, drug dependence, post-traumatic stress, and the list goes on. I have often wondered how the Tomoff family stayed together, stronger than ever today, a force to be reckoned with. The answer is quite simple. This young family with a four-year-old at home and a two-year-old with leukemia in the hospital, did it by becoming part of Ryan’s medical team. They participated in difficult decisions and trusted the oncologists and nurses who took care of him, and their unwavering faith and the conviction that he was going to get better by never losing hope or focus was it; hence the title! Their mission was simple—Ryan was going to beat his cancer!

Ryan was diagnosed on October 17th, 1996, with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), Standard Risk with CNS involvement (detected by finding leukemia cells in the cerebrospinal fluid that flows from the brain down the covering of the spinal cord). He was considered Standard Risk based on his age and WBC count and enrolled on a Children’s Cancer Group Study, which meant he would be treated as per a strict set of guidelines and his clinical data. This treatment would be used to answer some really important questions that would enhance our understanding of leukemia better and hopefully improve survival for other children to come years down the road. Twenty-four years ago, we did not have the molecular and genetic diagnostic tools we have today that allow us to classify children into Low, Average, High and Very High Risk categories very early on, nor did we have some of the new agents and therapies such as imatinib, blinatumomab and CAR-T therapy, all of which have contributed to improved survival in ALL today.

I met Ryan and his parents for the first time on Day 3 of his diagnosis and the memory of that first meeting remains etched in my mind even today, 24 years later. A beautiful two-year-old angelic child with fear in his eyes at the sight of yet another stranger in a white coat, a father whose tears kept rolling down his face and a mother who was distraught but kept it together by taking copious, detailed notes, learning the unfamiliar medical jargon by the minute. Little did she know at that time, how long and complicated Ryan’s journey would be and how her notes would become a trusted reference for the different institutions on where he would be treated.

To say that Ryan’s journey through his initial diagnosis in 1996, two relapses in 2000 and 2004 followed by a bone marrow transplant was a difficult one would be an understatement! So many incidents come to mind—the episodes of sepsis and unexpected infections that landed him in the Intensive Care Unit on multiple occasions, the heartbreak mirrored in Bill and Terri’s eyes on hearing Ryan’s leukemia had come back yet again as they held Ryan and Olivia tightly in their arms, and the deep disappointment they experienced when Ryan’s first bone marrow donor backed out. Yet, through it all, this family held it together and plowed on, taking Olivia to her soccer games, making the 26 mile drive to Georgetown University Hospital with the back and forth days on end without a complaint, relocating to Durham, North Carolina (Duke) for months for his bone marrow transplant, all with one focus only—to get Ryan better.

There were good times too over the years. I saw Ryan and the family grow and transition from receiving support from family, friends, community and support groups, to giving support to many, many families grappling with the diagnosis of cancer. Through their involvement with organizations like Special Love, Inc. and parent support groups, they spent many a day giving hope and encouragement to others. They established incredible relationships and bonds with other families and medical providers that have lasted over 20 years. They went from being educated to becoming effective educators, teaching young medical students at the bedside how to communicate with patients and families, participating in the Pediatric department Grand Rounds and sharing the podium with me at the medical school when I gave my annual talk on Cancer Survivors and Late Effects of Cancer treatment.

Ryan graduated from school and enrolled in college. He celebrated his 21st birthday in Las Vegas in 2015, being the adventurer he was fast becoming! He wears the most outrageous colored pants that always make me laugh, collects sports jerseys and caps, learned to drive and became a spokesperson for childhood cancer! Terri pursued her life-long passion for quilting and joined the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild of Bowie, Maryland, inspiring them to jointly donate hundreds of beautiful quilts to pediatric cancer patients and their families in Washington D.C. and Maryland. What started as a gesture of gratitude and a desire to give back is now an international project, with Terri donating quilts to pediatric cancer programs in Africa and Latin America. We traveled together to Ethiopia a couple of years ago through the Aslan Project, where through a mist of tears, I saw her joyfully distributing quilts to the children there. Olivia went from success to success in varsity soccer with her proud family cheering her on and Bill thrived in his work. At last, all was well with the Tomoffs!

In April 2016, cancer struck again, not once but twice, turning Ryan’s world upside down! This time it was a squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue that started off as a canker sore! This cancer, that occurred years after a successful bone marrow transplant that had rendered Ryan disease-free, was a late effect of all the treatment he had received repeatedly for his leukemia since he was two years old, including chemotherapy, cranio-spinal radiation and TBI (total body irradiation) for his bone marrow transplant. It was a devastating diagnosis that resulted in Ryan needing multiple surgeries and effectively learning to speak and eat again. I went to visit Ryan at the University of Maryland where he had the surgery and instead of seeing a defeated soul, I saw a courageous fighter who was determined to put this curve ball behind him.

Lo and behold, it is now more than three years since Ryan had his tongue cancers. His speech is great, he works, is a connoisseur of gourmet food and a sports enthusiast, plus spends his spare time volunteering for childhood cancer organizations. The latter has won him much-deserved recognition and awards from Special Love, Inc. and the Aslan Project!

I continue to see Ryan regularly in the Amey Cancer Survivorship Program at the Children’s Hospital at Sinai in Baltimore. Here he is monitored for multiple late effects of treatment in concert with other subspecialists in Endocrinology, Cardiology, Oral Surgery and Dentistry, Ophthalmology and Dermatology. He is always accompanied by one of his wonderful parents, generally Terri, who still carries her notebook and Ryan’s updated medical records and information that we go over in each appointment. Just this month, I saw him and received the ultimate gift from him—homemade smoked cheese! Ryan is well on his way to becoming an entrepreneur and I look forward to the day I can say I know the Ryan of “Ryan’s Smoked Cheeses!”

In closing, often I am asked why I chose Pediatric Hematology Oncology as a profession, one which is regarded by many as sad and hopeless! All I need to do is look at Ryan, who together with his family conquered the impossible and today focuses only on the future, bringing a message of hope, courage and resilience to so many along the way. The incredible bond of friendship and trust I established with the Tomoffs that first evening at Georgetown 24 years ago has only grown stronger. We have laughed and cried together, rejoiced at successes and grieved for losses. I thank Ryan, Olivia, Terri and Bill for including me in their ever-expanding family and wish them all the happiness in the world!

Aziza Shad, MD

Ellen W.P. Wasserman Chair of Pediatrics

Chief, Pediatric Hematology/Oncology

The Herman & Walter Samuelson Children’s Hospital at Sinai

Professor of Pediatrics & Oncology

Georgetown University School of Medicine

Posted on

The Focused Fight: How Dr. Aziza Shad’s Guidance Fueled Our Family’s Cancer Battle and Personal Growth

Summary Overview – Collaboration with Claude.AI

I recently had a conversation with a friend in an MBA program who was advised by a classmate to lower the bar and focus more on soft skills. While I agree that real skills are critically important, I strongly disagree with the suggestion to lower the bar on learning. My twin brother Don and I are passionate about personal development and relentlessly encouraging others to bring their best selves to the world every day.

This commitment to excellence was solidified for me when my son Ryan was diagnosed with leukemia at age two in 1996. Dr. Aziza Shad, Ryan’s pediatric oncologist, came into our lives and guided us through an incredibly difficult journey. We had to completely trust Dr. Shad and her team to save Ryan’s life. A critical part of that trust was the expectation that she and everyone involved in Ryan’s care was dedicated to bringing their absolute best knowledge, judgment, and effort.

While most of us don’t hold others’ lives in our hands on a daily basis, I believe we should demand the same level of excellence from ourselves in whatever work we do. I owe this to Dr. Shad and the many professionals who exemplify this commitment. Ryan is thriving 27 years later thanks to their dedication and skill.

Dr. Shad’s example has inspired me to always strive to be my best and help others with the knowledge and skills I’ve gained over my lifetime. My wife Terri has also been moved by Dr. Shad’s encouragement to share our family’s story in her memoir. I hope others find inspiration in this message to never settle or get complacent, but to continually learn, prepare, and contribute your talents to the fullest. The world needs you at your best.

Full Original Writing

My twin Don and I embrace a theme in our careers and lives: “Take what you do seriously. Do not take yourself seriously.“

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend in an MBA program, and a classmate suggested, “You are taking the MBA too seriously. You should lower the bar and improve your soft skills.” This friend happens to be a spectacular human being with real (prefer term vs. “soft”) skills that I wish I possessed. I agree that we all must understand the critical importance of real skills, yet a suggestion to lower the bar on learning through the MBA curriculum content? NO.

Don and I are all-in on personal development, and we relentlessly encourage others to be serious about continually learning and bringing their best selves to the world every day. Please be serious and do your best with all learning opportunities you encounter. We must be our best and bring our learning and talents to the world!

“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”

—Steve Prefontaine

“Lowering the bar” means accepting that we can get by and succeed with less effort. We don’t need to be at our best. This sounds crazy to contemplate, doesn’t it? In my world, I expect the best from myself and those I interact with. Let’s pull the thread on this idea to make a compelling and obvious point – in the medical profession, for example, are we accepting of a doctor who has lowered the bar and is not bringing her best talents to serve patients?

On October 17, 1996, our family’s life was forever changed when my son, Ryan, was diagnosed with cancer – Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) at the age of two years and two months. My wife Terri, and I, were stunned, scared, and had no concept of how we could move forward. On Saturday morning, October 19, 1996, Dr. Aziza Shad came into our lives carrying a protocol requiring our authorization for treatment to commence on Monday, October 21, 1996. Dr. Shad gently and caringly stepped through the protocol stages that would require three years and two months to complete and answered our questions. In order to save Ryan’s life, we had no option other than to accept and authorize the protocol.

We quickly understood a few core facts:

  • We had no control over a complicated childhood cancer world.
  • Dr. Shad and her team in the pediatric oncology world at Georgetown University Medical Center were our hope for saving Ryan’s life.
  • We had to trust Dr. Shad completely and partner with her while relentlessly advocating for Ryan.

Part of our trust in Dr. Shad and the medical community was our expectation that she and everyone involved in Ryan’s care was dedicated to staying current and relentlessly preparing to bring their best knowledge and judgment to Ryan and the countless patients whose lives depended on them. Let that sink in – isn’t this what you pray for when you put your trust in your doctors? While many of us are not saving lives on a daily basis, why would we accept less than our best when we live our lives personally and professionally? I have many limitations, but dedicating myself to continual learning, preparation, and bringing my best skills and effort to those counting on me is something I demand of myself. I owe this in honor of Dr. Shad and the many professionals who bring the same commitment to their lives every day.

We are blessed to have Ryan thriving now 27 years later, and Dr. Shad at his and our side guiding his follow-up care. Dr. Shad’s example of expertise, care, and compassion has solidified my determination to bring my best every day and help others with the skills and knowledge I have earned throughout my lifetime.

With Dr. Shad’s years-long encouragement, Terri published her memoir of Ryan’s five-time cancer battles in her book The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey from Mayhem to Miracles in March 2021. Dr. Shad kindly wrote a foreword for the book!

Terri Tomoff and Dr Aziza Shad – The Focused Fight

I will continue with future posts about Dr. Shad, where I will share the foreword from the book and other sentiments that speak to the incredible doctor and human being that she is.

To close this post, I hope you find inspiration to do everything in your power to be the best person and contributor you can be in your choice of work and how you carry yourself through each day of your life. Do not settle, get complacent, or “lower the bar.” The world needs your contribution!

Posted on

Stitching Together Love and Comfort: The Inspiring Quilting Journey of Terri Tomoff

Summary Overview – Collaboration with Claude.AI

Terri Tomoff’s passion for quilting took flight in 1989 after taking a class in Ohio. Over the past 35 years, I’ve witnessed her quilting expertise evolve from hand stitching to using a long-arm machine. Terri’s primary love is creating one-of-a-kind “treasured keepsakes” t-shirt quilts.

Her dedication to quilting and sharing joy with others soared when she joined the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild in 1998. Terri’s colorful creations took center stage as the guild’s featured quilter in 2012. Quilting provided solace during our son Ryan’s battle with leukemia, a time she refers to as “Manufacturing Sunshine.”

Inspired by a quilt Ryan received during his 2004 bone marrow transplant, Terri spearheaded an initiative for the guild to donate lap quilts to childhood cancer patients. The beneficiaries now span from Georgetown University Medical Center to hospitals in Baltimore, Ethiopia, Puerto Rico, and even families affected by the 2023 Maui fires. Terri has also created quilts to raise funds for charities supporting children with cancer.

Beyond her charitable work, Terri generously gifts quilts to family and friends. Olivia, Ryan, and I treasure the t-shirt quilts she’s made, commemorating special moments in our lives. Terri’s commitment to continuous learning and finding better ways to create her quilted works of art is awe-inspiring.

I marvel at the extensive “body of work” Terri has built through quilting, just one facet of her multi-talented life. Her tireless dedication to family, friends, and passions is superhuman. Terri, thank you for manufacturing sunshine and generously sharing your gifts with the world.

Full Original Writing

Terri Tomoff loves quilting and everything that goes along with it…the hunt for beautiful fabric, learning continuously, the creative art of quilting, and the camaraderie of sharing her love of the craft with like-minded people. In 1989, she took a quilting class in North Olmsted, Ohio, and the fuse was lit. Over the past 35 years, I have had the gift of having a front-row seat to witness the development and refinement of her quilting work.

Today, her primary quilting love is creating one-of-a-kind “treasured keepsakes” t-shirt quilts for family, friends, and customers. Her quilting expertise has evolved from hand quilting in the 1990s to using a full long-arm quilting machine to accelerate her work once the creative design is completed. Yet, her quilting passion goes far beyond the business side of her efforts. Her love of quilting and sharing the joy with others took off in 1998 when she joined the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild in Bowie, Maryland.

“Quilting consumes me.” Quote from Terri when the local newspaper featured her after she was selected as the Featured Quilter for the 2012 Southern Comforters Quilt Show. The text of the article:

March 8, 2012

Crofton-West County Gazette

Quilting Woman’s Passion

“Inspired by Betsy Ross and the bicentennial, Terri Tomoff took on her first fabric project in junior high, when she crocheted an outline of the original 13 colonies for a school project.

She was instantly intrigued by the material arts and has since created more than 200 quilts.

As the featured quilter for the Southern Comforters Annual Quilt Show, Terri’s colorful creations will take center stage at the show, which will be held March 24 and 25 at C. Elizabeth Rieg School in Bowie.

Terri started quilting as a young adult after taking a sampler quilt class in her home state of Ohio but put her hobby aside to focus on her marriage, children and career. Soon after moving to Crofton in 1996, Terri’s 2-year-old son Ryan was diagnosed with cancer and that altered her course even further. When Ryan was able to start pre-school, Terri met a fellow mom who was a member of the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild and invited her to join.

“That was in 1998 and I haven’t missed too many meetings since then,” said Terri. “Quilts consume me.” The quilting guild gets together twice a month to hone their skills, share ideas and serve the community.

Terri said that during her son’s nine-year battle with leukemia, she started making and donating quilts to sup-port cancer research and the medical centers that treated Ryan. “Instead of donating money, I made quilts that were then raffled off,” she said.

Terri also made more than 200 quilt bags gifting them to everyone from the doctors and hospital staff to the parking attendants.

At the upcoming quilt show, 30 to 40 of Terri’s quilts will be on display.

One of her favorites, which will be featured at the show, combines varying shades of solid pink and yellow fabrics and a complementary floral fabric.

“I love that quilts have a dual purpose since they are designed for both beauty and comfort,” said Terri. “I also love to see the joy in people’s faces when they receive a hand-made quilt and I think it is an honor to receive one. They are a labor of love – you just can’t knock one out.”

Terri said that she was humbled to be selected as the featured quilter for this year’s annual show and that she looks forward to continuing to color the world with her quilts.”

March 8, 2012 – Terri Tomoff Featured Quilter – Article in Crofton-West County Gazette

Terri embraced the quilting community and her love of quilting with fervor. Everyone should have the gift in their life of a hobby or passion that brings out their creativity and desire to improve and add value to the world. Terri found this with quilting. Her dedication and growth in the world of quilting is inspiring to all who know her. She wants to contribute to bringing joy and comfort to others with each lovingly created quilt.

Ideas are Born

Manufacturing Sunshine

Terri often tells how the quilting process helped soothe her and brighten her days at Georgetown Hospital when Ryan was an inpatient for his leukemia treatment protocols. Many long days and weeks were spent in the hospital from late 1996 through 2004. A makeshift station would be set up in Ryan’s hospital room, and when she could, Terri let her mind work with the creative side of piecing together fabrics that involved bright colors. Years later in 2017, she would reflect back and refer to those times that she was “Manufacturing Sunshine.” This is now the title of her website blog page and a theme we hold close to our hearts in our family.

March 2017 – Ryan and Terri Tomoff with her Manufacturing Sunshine Quilt

Community Quilts Bringing Comfort to Childhood Cancer Children

In late October 2004, when Ryan was admitted to the PBMT floor 5200 at Duke University to begin his bone marrow transplant process, he received a quilt incorporating blank green and blue blocks for nurses, family, and others to write notes to Ryan. I remember discussing with Terri, “This quilt is a tremendous gift for the patient and the family. They are being seen and know that people care.” The act of this gift of a lap quilt brought comfort during a time of extreme concern and stress.

March 21, 2024 – 29-year-old Ryan Tomoff with Quilt provided at Transplant in November 2004

When we returned to Maryland in 2005, Terri inquired about the possibility of the Southern Comforters Community Quilts charitable initiative, including lap quilts to Georgetown Hospital (where Ryan was treated when we were home in Maryland) to be given to newly diagnosed childhood cancer children. The idea was warmly embraced, and Terri was leading the effort of providing quilts to the Georgetown Pediatric Oncology Clinic! A beautiful idea noted at Duke University inspired a movement in the Washington DC region. In 2015, Terri discovered and shared with me the concept of Post-Traumatic Growth. Terri shared this in her blog from 2019. We were excited to have a defined term for our emotions and desire to make a difference for others chosen to travel the path Ryan, and our family were on.

The Soothing Power of a Quilt Expands

In addition to donating quilts to Georgetown Hospital, Terri led the Southern Comforters to share the comfort internationally. She knew firsthand the comfort of a thoughtful gift that a lap quilt could bring to a child fighting cancer and their families. She was a force of nature determined to leverage her love of quilting to help others.

The beneficiaries of Terri’s and The Southern Comforters Quilt Guild efforts, over almost 20 years, now include:

  1. Georgetown University Medical Center in Washington, DC.
  2. LifeBridge Sinai Hospital of Baltimore in Maryland.
  3. Mother Teresa Home for Children with Cancer – The Aslan Project in Ethiopia
  4. San Jorge Children’s Hospital in Puerto Rico.
  5. Maui, Hawaii Families Stricken by Fires that Devastated Lahaina on August 8, 2023
  6. Terri Tomoff and Jodie Smith visit the Maui Quilt Shop on September 11, 2023

A touching moment happened with a quilt recipient from a family who lost their home in the Lahaina fire, as noted in point 5 above. A donated quilt had the quilter’s name on the back of the quilt, and the recipient sent the following lovely message via Facebook Messenger. Terri shared in her blog:

“After our guild meeting this past week, Joan approached me with a big smile and told me she had something special to share. Her quilt pictured below was given to a family that found her through Facebook and recently wrote her this lovely message:

“Wanted to say Hi and Aloha! I lost my home in the Lahaina fire on Maui. I was fortunate to pick out your quilt (UFO Challenge), and I just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you!””

In addition to the quilt donation efforts above, Terri has also created quilts for auction or has raffled quilts to benefit charities focused on efforts in the fight against childhood cancer. Charities benefited include:

  1. Special Love for children with cancer.
  2. Just Tryan It provides financial assistance to families with a child in treatment for pediatric cancer.
  3. Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation addresses psychosocial support for childhood cancer children and their families.

The Rest of the Story

Coordinating her t-shirt quilt business and the incredible charity initiatives shared above, can she make other efforts to spread her talents and love of quilts into the world? The answer is a resounding YES! Oliva, Ryan, and I have been the recipients of t-shirt quilts that we treasure, countless “baby quilts” have been gifted, and then she completes special projects for gifts (i.e., Tote Bags) and even tackles unique customer projects that showcase her broad spectrum of talent and creativity in the quilting world!

Terri is a continual learner and embraces “finding a better way” to be more effective with her quilting efforts. Her mission is to build space for the creative aspect of quilting, which she loves. Whether contemplating a collection of t-shirts, a charitable effort, or other unique projects, she experiences joy in creating a work of art that can be a lifetime gift to someone. The recipients of her art are often stunned at the beautiful work she delivers!

Within our family, Olivia, Ryan, and I all have t-shirt quilts that Terri lovingly made for us from activities that have defined a memorable aspect of our lives. My two quilts embrace my love of sports and competitive distance running memories. Olivia has a collection of memories from her competitive soccer years, and Ryan has a Special Love Camp Fantastic theme and sports memories.

June 2020 – Ohio University, Distance Running, and Other Sports Memories

I am thrilled that Terri found the art of quilting and savor the joy, purpose, and fulfillment it has brought to her life and the lives of others. Her talents are a gift to the world and she shares generously!

While writing this #CelebratingOthers, I marvel at the “body of work” that Terri has built with her quilting. Then, reflecting more broadly, I remind myself her quilting is only one aspect of her full, robust life. Terri is a sister, spouse, Mom, a dear friend to many, and is talented and dedicated to her life passions. The same commitment she brings to her quilting goes into everything she does. The tireless dedication to her family, supporting my efforts, and caring for Olivia and Ryan are superhuman! She is also the author of The Focused Fight, a memoir of Ryan’s wars with 3x childhood cancer and 2x adult cancers over the past 27+ years.

Terri, thank you for all you do for me, our family, and everyone you come in contact with through your quilting, writing, and sharing your passions with the world. Indeed, you are “Manufacturing Sunshine” for yourself and others!

Learn more about Terri at TerriTomoff.com ❤️.

Posted on

The Ripple Effect of Post-Traumatic Growth: How ‘Doing Our Best’ Transcended Personal Triumph

“Have you done your best?“

A theme that has been a central aspect and one I have held close throughout my life is my goal to always answer this question with “Yes, I did my best.” In my teen years, my efforts focused on distance running. However, I became much more intentional with my self-encouragement and introspection in 1977 when I started attending Ohio University and took on the challenge of obtaining a business degree in accounting.

On October 17, 1996, my and my family’s life was forever changed by the challenge of my son Ryan’s childhood cancer diagnosis. Every day, my wife Terri, me, then four-year-old daughter Olivia, and two-year-old Ryan started surviving by bringing “our best” to the day and the often unimaginable stresses that were now a part of our everyday lives. An acute sense of gratitude for life and the joys of ordinary moments quickly took hold in our perspectives. I wish our gift of perspective were one that everyone could genuinely appreciate. Yet, I wish for others to reach this perspective without traveling the road Ryan and our family have traveled for the past 27+ years.

Post-Traumatic Growth

In chapter 33 of Terri’s memoir The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles, she discusses her discovery of Post-Traumatic Growth while we were traveling in 2015. Thanks to Oprah Magazine and journalist Ginny Graves, Terri’s discovery of this topic crystallized many emotions we felt through Ryan’s challenges. Without realizing the impact (our focus was saving Ryan’s life and providing as much normalcy as possible for Olivia), our lives profoundly changed by embracing our mission to help others affected by childhood cancer and to pay forward the care and kindness that has been showered upon us since that life-changing day in 1996. In introducing the section in her book, Terri shared this quote that has rung true for us:

“Something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart: a humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor.”

—Marianne Williamson

Collaborating with ChatGPT, I summarized the chapter with a 500-word recap and then generated an insightful bullet-point highlight list of ways post-traumatic growth has enhanced our lives. I shared these two results below. A BONUS – the full text of chapter 33 from Terri’s memoir is provided here.

Chapter 33 Summary | Collaboration with ChatGPT

Chapter 33 of Terri Tomoff’s book “The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles” is titled “Post-Traumatic Growth.” The chapter opens with a note from Tomoff’s son, Ryan, reflecting on his experiences with PTSD following his battle with cancer. This note provides insight into the challenges he faced, such as constant fear of cancer recurrence, the constant medical environment, and coping mechanisms like video games.

Tomoff connects Ryan’s struggles with the concept of post-traumatic growth (PTG), an idea suggesting that individuals can experience positive transformation following trauma. This concept is hard for some to comprehend, and not everyone can rally around it, but it represents an alternative to the narrative of unending suffering.

Tomoff then recounts her family’s various contributions to their community following Ryan’s diagnosis, including running marathons to raise money, starting a Postcard Project, and taking meals to the hospital floor where Ryan was treated. She shares that these activities, aimed at helping others, could be considered PTG as they transformed their family’s trauma into a positive force that benefited their community.

The term PTG was coined by Richard Tedeschi, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, who asserted that trauma survivors could undergo profound changes that extend beyond mere resilience. Jack Tsai from Yale School of Medicine adds that the healthcare system emphasizes identifying dysfunctions rather than superior functioning. This trend is now shifting towards promoting overall well-being.

Tomoff elaborates on her family’s extensive volunteer work, including lobbying for childhood cancer funding, founding advisory boards, and volunteering at various organizations and events. These activities provided a sense of purpose, helped others facing similar challenges, and, in return, aided their healing process.

Tomoff explains that despite the pain associated with a childhood cancer diagnosis, the shared experience has created a strong sense of community and camaraderie. This has led to emotional sharing sessions that have deeply moved the families involved and the staff at the facilities they work with.

Finally, the chapter highlights the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild of Bowie, Maryland, which Tomoff is a part of. The group has made over 2000 quilts for newly diagnosed children at Georgetown University Hospital and has extended its mission internationally. Tomoff and her family’s endeavors reflect the essence of PTG, transforming a traumatic experience into meaningful contributions to society, leading to their emotional growth.

Post-Traumatic Growth: Our Enhanced Family Approach to Life | Collaboration with ChatGPT

From Chapter 33 of Terri Tomoff’s memoir, it’s clear that the family’s experience with their son Ryan’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent trauma transformed their approach to life, fostering a deep commitment to aiding others and giving back to society. This transformation reflects their experience with post-traumatic growth (PTG). Here are some key ways in which PTG enhanced their life:

  1. Embracing Purpose Through Helping Others: They found purpose and solace in assisting others undergoing similar trials. This included running marathons to raise funds, launching “The Postcard Project”, delivering meals to the hospital, and volunteering at multiple organizations. They found a form of healing by turning their trauma into meaningful activities.
  2. Creating Advocacy Initiatives: Their personal experience led them to advocate for more funding for childhood cancer research. Tomoff mentions lobbying on Capitol Hill with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society as a part of this initiative.
  3. Building Community: They co-founded the Parent Advisory Board and involved themselves in other groups supporting families dealing with cancer. This fostered a strong sense of community, which provided emotional support and a platform for shared experiences.
  4. Promoting Well-Being and Positive Transformation: Their work with others emphasized the promotion of well-being, aligning with the concept of PTG. They believed that surviving adversity could be used as a catalyst for profound personal change and betterment.
  5. Empathy and Understanding: Their own experience with trauma allowed them to deeply empathize with other families going through similar experiences, making them effective in their efforts to help others.
  6. Legacy and Long-Term Commitment: The family has pledged a lifelong commitment to giving back to society, acknowledging that they “will never live long enough to give back to the universe.” This dedication is evident in their ongoing efforts, such as Terri Tomoff’s work with the Southern Comforters Quilt Guild, which has created over 2,000 quilts for children newly diagnosed with cancer.
  7. Family Involvement: The family turned their struggle into a collective mission, involving every family member in various ways. This not only helped in dealing with their trauma but also fostered a sense of unity and shared purpose within the family.

In summary, the concept of post-traumatic growth profoundly affected the Tomoff family, driving their extensive efforts to help others, advocate for change, and create a legacy of kindness and resilience in the face of adversity. This has fundamentally transformed their approach to life, making them deeply committed to serving their community.

Thanks to the interpretation and insights offered by ChatGPT, the results beautifully articulate the essence of Terri’s heartfelt writing about post-traumatic growth and the impact our family has felt throughout the years of Ryan’s treatments. We can all show up and do our best one day at a time. Doing your best is what YOU must hold yourself accountable for – this is a personal matter and not subject to the judgment of others. Do your best, keep moving, and hold your head high.

November 4, 2004 – PBMT Donor Meetup – Olivia, Bill, Terri, and Ryan Tomoff
October 1996 – Ryan and Bill Tomoff at Georgetown Hospital
October 1996 – Ryan and Bill Tomoff at Georgetown Hospital – Dad heading home
Posted on

Navigating New Horizons: Social Media to Communities of Practice

Executive Summary – Collaboration with ChatGPT

Since 2009, my twin, Don, and I have been captivated by the potential of social media, using it to foster our personal and professional growth and share insights through initiatives like #TwinzTalk and #TwinsTechTip. Our journey on these platforms laid the groundwork for a deeper exploration into specialized communities of practice (COPs), a transition inspired by Seth Godin’s 2020 blog on “A Community of Practice.”

My wife, Terri, and I embarked on a COP new venture, starting with a writing community group in 2020 during the COVID-19 pandemic. These focused communities have been a wellspring of learning and growth and building new connections and knowledge beyond the broader platforms available through social media. Influential figures like Tanmay Vora, Rajesh Setty, and Harold Jarche have been instrumental in this journey, inspired by Tanmay’s work on leadership and learning, which deeply resonated with me.

This shift to more intimate COPs has been transformative, aligning with the principle “to whom much is given, much will be required” (Luke 12:48). It echoes the support and kindness my family experienced during my son Ryan’s cancer battles, a blessing I am committed to paying forward. The journey through COPs and virtual communities has been profound, reminding us of our responsibility to contribute and grow within these nurturing spaces and our broader network when possible. I embrace the requirement that my talents and gifts must be shared with my broader network – a network that is exponentially larger through the availability of social media and COPs.

“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.” 

–Steve Prefontaine

Original Reflection

I have separately written about my appreciation of participating in Communities of Practice (COP). I am developing a blog post that takes a deeper dive into how my wife, Terri, and I have been encouraged and inspired through our involvement in various communities that started in June 2020.

My contemplation about my involvement in COPs lifts me up. I am grateful to many wonderfully talented, generous, and kind participants who have helped me learn and grow. The community’s participants care about developing their craft and helping others on their path. The environment is enriching.

Before joining a specific COP (Writing in Community was my initial participation), I felt a “looser,” yet similar, connection through many social media relationships that have developed over the years. I revisited a blog post from Tanmay Vora titled Leading and Learning: How to Feed a Community. Now, after my experience with specific COPs over the past 3+ years, Tanmay’s post resonates more clearly with me.

Tanmay Vora Sketchnote – Lisa Haneberg “How to feed the community.”

“To whom much is given, much will be required.” (Luke 12:48)

“The idea of “to whom much is given, much will be required” is that we are held responsible for what we have. If we are blessed with talents, wealth, knowledge, time, and the like, it is expected that we use these well to glorify God and benefit others.” [BOLD emphasis is mine]

I credit my first awareness of the above thought to Mr. Abe Pollin, the owner of Washington Sports & Entertainment, the organization I worked with from 1996 to 2011. Beyond wealth, we must help others with the other blessings we may receive – such as talents and knowledge. An additional blessing that I am committed to paying forward for the rest of my life is the gift of kindness and support that family, friends, community, and strangers have brought to my family’s lives through my son Ryan’s 27+ five-time battles with cancer. I am forever indebted and grateful for all the gifts in my life, and I will use those gifts to help others.

My twin Don and I love social media – we appreciated the professional potential early on, starting in 2009. Sharing a strong interest in technology and personal development, our careers have emphasized building awareness, skills, and learning across many areas that we then shared in our professional circles and on social media. We strive to enlighten others with the gifts our vision and early adopter tendencies have brought to our lives. In 2018 and 2020, we initiated #TwinzTalk and #TwinsTechTip, respectively, for sharing tips on LinkedIn.

Tanmay’s blog post inspired me to highlight his and his work’s impact on my life. Since our 2016 connection via Twitter, his talent, generosity, and kindness for helping others around leadership and conveying his learning into beautiful digestible sketchnotes have helped sharpen/refine my interest in personal development and my potential for helping others through my experiences and life learnings. Helping others learn and grow their talents is my gift and the purpose of my work. In Tanmay’s blog post, he notes:

“Lisa Haneberg, one of my favorite bloggers, wrote about how to feed a community where she said,

If we want to belong to a vibrant community we have to feed it.”

“It became quite clear to me that learning is a social act and we learn the most when we learn together.

In the communities that we choose to belong to (online and offline), we have to do our part in feeding it. It is only when we are generous about sharing our gifts that we build credibility to receive anything meaningful in return…”

Tanmay also mentions Rajesh Setty and his course offering “The Right Hustle,” along with Harold Jarche and his work about Personal Knowledge Mastery. I am connected to Rajesh and Harold and have learned much from them. My interest and action to follow are all thanks to Tanmay’s belief in their work. I am forever grateful and indebted. My responsibility is to pay forward their contributions by helping others in my network.

In May 2020, Seth Godin shared a blog, “A Community of Practice,” that led Terri and I to join a Community of Practice (a separate, more in-depth discussion of this to follow). In addition to the learning community that Don and I have developed via social media, Seth introduced the possibility of joining specific intimate communities that created the potential for greater connection among like-minded, kind, and generous people. Little did we know the magic that would unfold for us, beginning with our initial enrollment in a writing-in-community platform in June 2020! The pandemic and virtual communities of practice collided in 2020, and as Doctor Seuss would say:

“Oh, The Places You’ll Go! You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights!”

–Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

Who feeds your learning, and are you living up to your responsibility to do your part in feeding the community?

Terri and Bill Tomoff with book efforts in Writing In Community community of practice 2020-2021
Posted on

Living with Intention: My Path to Post-Traumatic Growth and Encouraging Everyday Kindness

ChatGPT Summary

In this blog post, I share my reflections and insights shaped by a journey marked with resilience and gratitude, deeply influenced by my son Ryan’s courageous battles against cancer. Drawing wisdom from Terri Tomoff’s “The Focused Fight,” I explore how these profound experiences have enriched my perspective, fostering a commitment to spread kindness and positivity.

As I approach my 65th birthday, my heart is brimming with gratitude. I’m dedicated to living a life filled with impact, kindness, and helpfulness, embracing the concept of post-traumatic growth. I’m inspired by Adam Grant’s “five-minute favors” from his book “Give and Take,” believing in the cumulative power of small, intentional acts of kindness.

My life philosophy is encapsulated in three core themes. Firstly, through “The Focused Fight,” I aim to encourage others with a message of gentleness and understanding. Secondly, our Tomoff family mission focuses on helping one person, one family, at a time. Finally, along with my twin Don and our #TwinzTalk initiative, we endeavor to change the world one interaction at a time. These principles guide my daily interactions, where I strive to be an encouraging and enthusiastic presence.

Supporting this message, I reference a post from Instagram’s imagine_values and a “Five-Minute Favors” video on YouTube. Additionally, musician Nick Cave’s words resonate deeply with me, highlighting the significance of everyday gestures in creating ripples of change. Cave eloquently speaks to the profound impact of our smallest actions and their meaningful consequences.

In conclusion, I extend a heartfelt invitation to join me in embracing micro-moments of kindness and a gentler approach towards ourselves and others. Every action, no matter how small, matters significantly. Through these seemingly insignificant acts, we can all contribute to lifting the spirits of others, thus shaping a kinder, more compassionate world.

Full Reflection

My perspective and efforts in life strive to lead with a grateful heart as I go through my days. When I am gentle and kind to myself, I am inspired to bring that same presence to the world and those I interact with. I could credit many life events for their role in shaping me into who I am today. Yet, the dramatic life-threatening and life-altering event of my son Ryan’s five-time battles with cancer and the lens through which I experience life have profoundly changed me. Terri Tomoff’s memoir, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey From Mayhem to Miracles, shares Ryan and our family’s journey since his original diagnosis in 1996.

As I approach my 65th birthday (!), my heart is filled with gratitude for the growth I have experienced in my life, and I am dedicated with my heart and soul to being an impactful, kind, caring, and helpful person for the rest of my life. The concept of post-traumatic growth is one that Terri and I embrace fully, and we strive to be intentional in our efforts to pay it forward for the unimaginable care and kindness that has been shared with our family over the years.

Recognizing that TIME is my most precious asset, I have dedicated efforts focused on micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors (encouraged by Adam Grant in his book Give and Take). Opportunities abound to make a difference in our world, and my approach to seemingly small, insignificant, yet genuine acts of kindness WILL make a compounding difference in my world. How do I “know?” I believe, and I KNOW – I do not need affirmation. I promise – live your life to bring good to the world – and you will notice the impact on you and your world!

A few themes I believe and strive for as part of my values are:

My theme – encouragement with signed copies of The Focused Fight:

“Be gentle. Be kind – you never know what someone is going through.”

Our Tomoff family mission of The Focused Fight book:

“Helping others, one person, one family, at a time.”

Bill and Don Tomoff’s mission of #TwinzTalk and our professional work:

“Changing the world, one interaction, one person, at a time.”

My preferred contributions for making an impact in my corner of the world are to focus on micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors. How I conduct myself daily is critically important, and I strive to be an encouraging and enthusiastic presence as I go through my activities and interactions. Our actions matter – a lot. An inspiration from imagine_values on Instagram is a fantastic reminder for my approach to bringing value to my life and world: “Think big and act small.“

A beautiful discussion of “Five-Minute Favors” is shared in this short 4-minute and 41-second YouTube video from Good Morning America.

And, to close, James Clear’s 3-2-1 weekly newsletter from Thursday, November 23, 2023, shared a beautiful excerpt from musician Nick Cave:

Musician Nick Cave on the power of small actions:

“The everyday human gesture is always a heartbeat away from the miraculous.

Remember that ultimately, we make things happen through our actions, way beyond our understanding or intention; that our seemingly small ordinary human acts have untold consequences; that what we do in this world means something; that we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything.

Our deeds, no matter how insignificant they may feel, are replete with meaning and of vast consequence, and they constantly impact upon the unfolding story of the world, whether we know it or not.”

Source: ​The Red Hand Files, Issue #216​ (lightly edited for clarity)

Portions of the unedited post at the link provided above resonated with me:

“Perhaps the song attempts to present the idea that the everyday human gesture is always a heartbeat away from the miraculous – that ultimately we make things happen through our actions, way beyond our understanding or intention; that our seemingly small ordinary human acts have untold consequences; that what we do in this world means something; that we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything. Night Raid tells us that our deeds, no matter how insignificant they may feel, are replete with meaning, and of vast consequence, and that they constantly impact upon the unfolding story of the world, whether we know it or not.”

“… All action provokes change. Nothing is ineffectual. Nothing.

Francis, rather than feel impotent and useless, you must come to terms with the fact that as a human being you are infinitely powerful, and take responsibility for this tremendous power. Even our smallest actions have potential for great change, positively or negatively, and the way in which we all conduct ourselves within the world means something. You are anything but impotent, you are, in fact, exquisitely and frighteningly dynamic, as are we all, and with all respect you have an obligation to stand up and take responsibility for that potential. It is your most ordinary and urgent duty.”

My hope is anyone who reads my post here will embrace the magic of micro-moments of kindness and five-minute favors. As Nick Cave encourages, EVERY action matters. We all can prioritize time to contribute and lift the spirits of others through seemingly insignificant actions. 

May we all adopt a kinder and gentler approach to ourselves and our interactions with others? Join me in this movement.

PS – if you need to move in front of me in a long traffic line, I’ve got you covered!

April 2023 - Bill and Ryan Tomoff
The Tomoff Family - Terri, Olivia, Ryan, and Bill
Posted on

A Drop of Hope: How a Marrow Transplant Ignited a Lifetime of Gratitude

ChatGPT Highlights of Post

  1. I pause to reflect back on November 3, 2004, a day ingrained in our hearts as we nervously sat in Duke University Medical Center, awaiting the marrow donation that held the hope of a fresh lease of life for Ryan, battling Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.
  2. The week of outpatient radiation Ryan endured, wiping out his immune system, only intensified the need for a successful transfusion, each passing moment fueling our prayers for the meticulous execution of the transplant.
  3. Our beacon of hope was Scott Harris, whose altruistic act of marrow donation from miles away in New York was the cornerstone of Ryan’s fight for survival. His selfless act is a testament to the adage that humanity thrives in unity.
  4. Rajesh Setty’s words, “Life-changing gifts deserve a lifetime of gratitude,” resonates deeply with our experiences, encapsulating the essence of thankfulness we foster each day for Scott and many others whose benevolence has been a guiding light in our journey.
  5. The narrative within Terri’s memoir, “The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles,” not only chronicles our voyage through turbulent times but also advocates for the priceless act of marrow donation, urging the reader to explore and share the life-saving potential encapsulated in “Be The Match.”

Our narrative is a homage to the boundless generosity we’ve received and a call to action for others to partake in life-altering acts of kindness, fostering a continuum of hope and lifesaving camaraderie.

Full Reflection (Written November 3, 2023)

“Life-changing gifts deserve a lifetime of gratitude.” – Rajesh Setty

November 3, 2004. Nineteen years ago today, my family and I were in Durham, NC, at Duke University Medical Center. Terri Tomoff and my son, sister Olivia’s brother, were with Ryan as we anxiously awaited the marrow donation to be delivered to Duke and prepared for transfusion to Ryan. We all were praying for the successful execution of steps that needed to be taken to provide Ryan with his opportunity for a life-saving transplant. He was waiting in his hospital room after having completed a week of outpatient radiation that eliminated his immune system – his body’s ability to fight an infection was non-existent.

When we experienced Ryan’s 3x wars with childhood cancer (ALL – Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia), we immediately understood that people need people. Success in the process was not in our control. The realization creates desperation. On this day in November 2004, we all waited anxiously for the necessary steps that had to unfold before delivering the marrow transfusion to Ryan.

We would only learn the specifics a full year later. Still, our donor, Scott Harris, from the New York area, started the morning of November 3rd by going to a local hospital to have his marrow harvested for delivery to Duke, where a ten-year-old boy and his family waited. At approximately 7:45 PM, the transplant was started!

Every day, we carry an attitude of gratitude for Scott Harris and the gift of life that his selfless act provided to Ryan and our family. Yet, on the anniversary, we take an intentional pause and reflect on his kindness, along with the care and compassion of many people and medical professionals who dedicated their efforts to Ryan’s survival. Rajesh Setty’s quote above, which I discovered in his YouTube video, “Growing and Changing the World One Thank You at a Time,” could not more perfectly articulate the emotion in our family.

I encourage everyone to watch the video for thought-provoking inspiration and encouragement from Rajesh, particularly from 3:00 to 5:05 minutes, where he references Dr. Howard Hogshead and life-changing gifts.

The list of people I feel heartfelt gratitude for is very long, and we dedicate our lives to helping others, honoring those who have impacted our journey and who ultimately gave the gift of life to Ryan.

In her memoir book, The Focused Fight: A Childhood Cancer Journey: From Mayhem to Miracles, Terri discusses Ryan and our family’s in-depth journey through transplant (Chapter 23 – The Transplant) and the emotional meeting with Scott Harris on November 4, 2005 (Chapter 27 – Can YOU Be The Match?).

As Terri asks with her title of chapter 27 – can you be the match? Please check out and share the critically vital link to Be The Match.

November 3, 2004 – Ryan Tomoff transplant is started at 7:45 PM
November 4, 2005 – Ryan Tomoff meets his Bone Marrow Transplant donor Scott Harris.
July 2021 – Olivia, Bill, Terri, and Ryan Tomoff celebrate Terri’s The Focused Fight book, published March 11, 2021
December 2019 – Olivia and Ryan Tomoff – Maui, Hawaii